mad dog chumps pathetic character

First aid for sewer... a large band aid has been gently wrapped on one of the sewer lines broken by Jova. When asked why it wasn't fixed properly the response was duct tape is too expensive.

The most pathetic character of the year!!!

    Flakes, missfits, and all around general fuckups seem to be attracted to the Costa Allegre in unusually high proportions. Statistitions are baffled. Lamanz, although not as bad as some neighboring towns, certainly has its share. So, with that in mind, it's time to decide. Who was the most pathetic character of the last year? The votes are all in for this years grand champion (el gran perdedor). There were essentially 4 in the race, of which 2 have already been reported on. The wild woman of lamanz and her clap on clap off boyfriend. Many folks figured this was a shoe in, but no, only a pathetic second place. (or top loser as we like to say.) For those that were personally affected nobody will outdo the circe, but alas, a mere 3rd position. A late charge came from some canadian television addict nut bar amateur loser, but in the end he was just too amateuristic in delivery to compete with the professionals. So, with a tear in our eye and a flip of the coin we present {drum roll} the most pathetic character of the year.......

#%+!

    #%+! and the return trip to some northern wasteland has, not surprisingly, earned him the title of "pathetic character of the year". The reasons for this return trip seem somewhat flawed, but it's all #%+! could come up with at the time. When your day was spent looking for a drink in order to stay drunk and delusional because you had painted yourself into a corner ,well... #%+! thought he needed to go back to some city up north to get a job, as well as to get a hold of what ever cash the gravy train might have left. At 50 years old, (looking 60) ten years not working and out of the country, DT's so bad if he doesn't get a 6 pack into him 1st thing he can't hold a hand steady enough to type on a computer. Add to that, no drivers license, and no car or place to stay when there. #%+! is going to find that jobs, not to mention the economy, is in a flux and there are no jobs, and it's one of the most expensive places to live. (especially for someone who consumes a case of beer a day and 4 packs of smokes.)
The ex here paid for a plane ticket . (I assume it was worth it to see that #%+! is going far away). Well, he didn't go, claiming to have no place to stay when he got there. So #%+! stayed here, quickly running out of money and living on credit and sympathy. He was finally able to talk some ex-employer into sending him some money, which of course he went through like beer (or as beer), and still, was no closer to shitting or getting off the pot.

#%+! still couldn't find a place to stay there, or anyone that might take that sorry ass in up there. (it's easy to believe #%+! burned all those bridges long ago). So he carried on drinking, in an establishment that was constantly bad mouthed, (ironically the only one to extend credit) and bitching about how stupid all the people he hung around with are. The irony was so thick you could be smothered by it. Finally #%+! was poured into a PV bound bus. Present where abouts unknown although the rumor is #%+! is in Canada. Don't worry you Canadians out there, it's apparently Toronto. He should actually fit in pretty easily.

When finally reached about his award #%+! said 'fuck you all.' A truly heart warming moment. So that's it for 2011, now it's not too early to get a head start on 2012. So get out there and behave pathetically, we know you have it in you.

its ................................... mexico

    "its mexico we can do what we want"..... this seems to be the attitude of all too many gringos (to get the record straight, we consider all non hispanic foreigners gringos, canadians no exception) So, from time to time we will be reporting choice examples of this type of attitude.

    A gringo camping on the beach is doing so with his private attack pack of dogs. These marauding  mutts bark and chase and snap after anyone who passes their (sic) stretch of beach, especially if they too have a dog. Recently when another angry gringo threw rocks at them,  to protect his cowering leashed dogs, he was subsequently accosted and threatened by their keeper, armed with a shovel. Fortunately the shovel wielder backed down when the dog protector stood up to him. Although no physical altercation ensued, many angry words were passed (such as you peepee head). The keeper claiming that "its mexico and....."  he is free to let his possibly murderous attack dogs run the beach untethered, not caring a whit that they were threatening and scaring the shit out of anyone who passed.

It's all in the view!!

A hundred years ago when the cities of western North America were expanding their residential neighborhoods, many were plagued with hills and ridges. Streets were layed out nonetheless in grid pattern and houses were built. As was the style back then living and dining rooms faced the street, and kitchens, baths, and bedrooms faced the back. Depending on what side of the street you lived on made the difference whether you viewed from your living room or your bathroom, what was quite often a drop dead gorgeous view...... and to the people living there at the time... they couldn't have given a shit.

Now, if there is no view, it ain't worth squat! Ten or so years ago people came to La Manz and went absolutely ga-ga over the view.... They built mansions on the hills, each trying to outdo their neighbors view. And really, a view of what: the basically unchanging ocean and shore line, and outside of an occassional good sunset or even more rare, a ship going by, it might as well be a mural.

Now, it seems that all these folks, soaking up their cocktails and staring at their now boring view, have come to the realization that the price of their view is a house sitting on an unstable hillside in a town that in their eyes is becoming a shit hole. (Strangely unaware that they are in fact the cause.) Even the friendly folks they met when they first arrived have turned out to be complete jerks.

Whats the answer.Well... get the hell out! Sell the house for double what you have into it and pass it on to the next chump who can't live without a view. But guess what, except for the odd case you were the last of the chumps, so enjoy the view.

whats happening with the zoo???

    We know the zoo goes on and the inhabitants are getting well oiled as the season kicks in. But the zoo keeper has been unheard from. as our intrepid zoo keeper been swallowed up by the madness and forgot the contract to keep us informed. How can we relate the facts of this important, no vibrant, no ridiculous bunch to our anxious reader who need to know 'the truth' about what is happening in the community. We hope our star reporter hasn't been caught up in the frenzy, not to be heard from again. Zoo keeper please call in.

Applications for zoo keeper position via email.  



last issue comments

none

a dogs breakfast in paradise

Work has begun for Lamanzs new cruise ship dock. At its present rate of construction the first passengers will be coming ashore in 2089.

Paradise returning

    A flury of activity from our benevolant overseer La Huerta has transformed Lamanzs' rutted dusty streets into smoother dusty streets. Now it is possible for vehicles to speed (see story below) along, unimpared by holes, ruts and uneven surfaces, kicking up far more dust than before. But the streets do look better.
   The sewer has stopped flowing into the streets, or at least there is the illusion that it has stopped. Reluctantly, the delegado is running the expensive to operate pumps to keep the level of the shitty water from spewing from the manholes. After dark though when no one is noticing the pumps stop and there returns some flow into the mangroves. Fortunately, mother nature has dried up the greater flow of water into the system, so the illusion of  'no problemo' can be maintained.
    Speaking of mother nature, she seems to be (albeit slowly) returning the sand to the beach, so hopefully soon the excess rocks can be scooped up and shoved back into the sea. Thus bringing Lamanzs' beautiful beach back online and returning the place to paradise status. All of this activity will hopefully bring in hordes of tourists this upcoming xmas holiday. Bringing a little income to the beleaguered merchants. Although the town is full of the seasonal gringo regulars, tourism is down and local businesses are feeling the pinch, especially the restaurants. The regular seasonal bunch, being the cheap bastards that they are, contribute surprisingly little to the local economy. Making a lot of local residents thinking that they are hardly worth having to put up with in the first place. 

Corleones Amigos

Mark February 12th on your calender. After years of inactivity Corleones amigos is back with its ever popular catch'n'kill day. Guido, spokesman for the family said "its good to be back and helping out. on Tuesday the 12th, make sure your dogs and cats and decrepit grandparents are on the streets as we will be doing a town tour to rid ourselves of those useless and economic draining shits. The spree will run from 10am to 4pm and again from 10pm to 12am. Its been a few years since we last came through but we expect really good numbers. 'Donations' will be collected the following sunday. Don't try to hide." The bodies will be buried in the south end of the soccer field at 4 am.

mens breakfast

Now serving men!!! Mostly fried but some are baked. We also have cold. Almost all are well aged and marinated. Served in a shallow plate with complimentary ass hole. We have the latest from the top American and Canadian producers, artificially preserved for your culinary enjoyment. Unfortunately, super size proportions only. Please call in advance for special orders such as raw, wild or fresh. All are gauranteed to be white and cheap. Hurry now as supplies are limited. 

review

We found the mens breakfast had too much fat. The talk was half baked and the theories seemed warmed over. We think it was the arguments that really smelled fishy. When questioned one diner said 'eat me'.

NASCAR arrives

The big ego inflating race trucks have been washed and are now threatening our loved ones. One might think they are just kids joyriding but no, its a pack of old blue hairs thinking the local roads are the fucking autobahn. The whiteness of their skins gives away their recent arrival. Even behind the smoked out glass the illumination of their lizard like hide is visible. Obviously an accident is coming if only because of their poor eye sight. which we only assume is the case as they all seem to drive down the middle of the main drag. Acting like children, they view a tope as an opportunity to pass. A surprising 100% live high up on the hills. One woman in a white pickup (amazingly parked in order to block any movement on the road) was questioned about her erratic and dangerous driving. She went on to crow about her economic participation in the town. hiring locals apparently allows one a James Bond status drivers licence. Shame on you. Something akin to a bad trick sheet will be made available in the coming weeks.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

    The wild woman of Lamanz has started busing in relatives in the hopes that they too can hook themselves their own gringo sugar daddy. They are out searching for any horny old fart that they think they can reel in and then not let go. They will try to steal your heart and if that doesn't work they will steal your wallet. ( and anything else not nailed down) Beware!! Either scenario will cause you nothing but grief, keep it in your pants.

Last issues comments

    OK..this a retort to the "Employee Bonus" issue that year after year continues to be a thorn in many peoples paws. Thing is, that while I know that most of the people in town who have their houses cleaned by the local nationals can certainly afford to pay the $3 to $5/hr, my guess that a Xmas dinner out at Cafe Flores is money much better spent to them. I mean seriously, why would you possibly want to give someone who cleans your toilets, dirty sheets, skin scum outta the shower, and God knows whatever other gross dirty deed needing to be done, a $35 Christmas/year end bonus when it can be spent doing something fun for yourself?
Yes, you can bet bottom to dollar that those who squeak the loudest about these "bonuses" will have at least one, if not two, wonderful feasts over the holiday season, their xmas stockings will be filled to the brim with goodies & baubles, and the a/c unit blasting a icy cool winter-like breeze...reminding them that they are indeed, in paradise.
I just wonder if their counterparts will have the same wonderful, rich experience? 
SO, MERRY CHRISTMAS...now would that be one lump of coal, or two, in your stockings, my dear neighbors?

    Well why should we pay more? $5 is double the normal wage in Mexico. That should more than cover the bonus in Dec. Mind your own business anonymous!

    OMG you have got to be kidding! Pay the people double their wage and bonus they work hard for you, Don't be such a putz. Its an incredible feeling to make someone else's life better, and your likely to not have your toilet cleaned with your tooth  brush.

white or dark meat?

turkey variety pack

    It was american thanksgiving last thursday and  canadians, despite not wanting anything to do with stuff that's american, were side by side with them pigging out at the feeding trough. Several restaurants in town offered special dinners, giving the hungry gringos a variety to choose from. And variety there was.... of course they all featured turkey, but that was about all they had in common. One beach-side restaurant gave their turkey dinner a mexican flavor with a turkey stuffed with menudo dressing and rice, beans and tortillas. Another, a gringo establishment, offerd a traditional turkey feast with the added feature of the aroma of shit permeating everything from the still bubbling sewer. Everyones favorite taco joint offered turkey and cranberry tacos, and along with the usual salsas and toppings, mashed potatoes were added. The most popular location, another gringo operated place, had the traditional turkey dinner served prison style. (turn key dinner?) People were marched in, sat down, and served dinner. At the sound of a whistle they all got up and were marched out, so the next group could repeat the process. Dinner reviews were about the same at all locations: the proportions were too small, the prices were way too high and the quality of the food being so-so.  

town spared

   An unfortunate fire the other night destroyed the palapa roof of a local bar. Despite the destruction of the roof on the 2nd floor, this was a lucky location to have this kind of calamity. The structures to either side have concrete roofs (not often seen on beachfront structures), thus not giving the fire the fuel to spread. A fire of this nature at almost any other location would have spread from one palapa roof to another wiping out a good stretch of beachfront structures. We guess a good moral to this incident is don't live in thatched houses in a place where there is no fire department.

is everybody happy?

    With the surging population of gringos, a new round of bitching and whining has begun. Many folks are outraged that there are roaming crocs in the ocean and on the beach, and want something done about it.... the answer is simple; stop filling their habitat with shitty sewer water and maybe they will stay home. As for the people bitching about being sued by their Mexican employees.... who's fault is it? After all, we invaded the area spreading our gringo ways ; driving our cars everywhere (sometimes barely more than a car length) has inspired a lot of the mexican population to do the same, especially since so many dumb shit gringos are paying them far more that the going rate so they can afford cars. What's more gringo than not taking responsibility for your own actions? And suing someone else to take the fall is gringo as apple pie. Also inspiring the mexicans to do the same. To wit:

     After years of cheaply exploiting local folks a gringa is sued for: no apparent good reason, or injury, or severance or some other reason to be named later. 'American sue everyone in site' philosophy is finally rubbing off on the locals . As usual, the person is completely blameless in their own eyes, due to what we would guess is their superiority. An amount is paid that essentially ups the workers pay in the long run to the equivelant of ... well it's a secret you know so don't mention it, although likely around 5 bucks an hour. Since it's always about money (aka budget constraints/cheapness), a payment is made rather than a fight for justice (the great unwinable), which of course negates any claim to a moral high road. It also sets up a potential wave of suits because as Pedro said 'if they just throw money at you, you may as well get as much as possible.' Gringoas will now be carrying waivers. Any mexican that they even talk to in passing will be required to sign first. Suddenly years of "friendship" will need a signature ('ummm, its to prove how much "we" care about our friendship.') The upside is a potential healthier gringo population as they may now actually get up off their asses and sweep a floor, as apposed to just lifting their feet.

full circe

    After a few months of looting and pillaging the local singles community the circe has finally departed to parts north. Gone, but not forgotten, as her maniacal tequila infested rants have become part of the local lore. The behaviour is now an excuse used by others. "Well im not as bad as...." is coming into regular usage. Numerous local folks are still scratching their heads in amazement at the temerity of the statements made. Most people soon realized that it was not their job (nor within their finances) to support the lunacy despite the claims to the contrary. Probably using the phrase 'may the bridges i burn light my way' the local singles were driven into hiding. It wasn't until it was discovered that other communities had desperate singles with money to burn and booze to swill as well, that the fear started to subside. "Thank god for Melaque." one friend of an stricken adorer said after seeing the gaping chest wound on his buddy. Like frightened mice, the local singles are only now slowly creeping out of their hide outs, praying that circe has indeed departed, and wondering if it is safe to bring out their booze again. And yet strangely they are still in love with her. Clearly up for a pathetic character of the year award (both the circe and her followers), although there is still 6 weeks left and we've learned never to underestimate the amount of whack jobs that come through this town.(see following story) Unfortunately some local singles have been having recurring nightmares and, as usual, local health authorities are at a loss as to what to do about it. A self help group is in the works. "Hello, my name is dave and i've had a circe experience..." may well be a recurring phrase in the months to come. On the other hand we are going to miss her, you just can't buy that kind of entertainment. Well actually we guess you can, we can't.

the old wild woman and the sea

    Apparently the wild woman of lamanz (see story in september 3 issue) has re-hooked the great white marlin, and is dragging it back to shore. What will be left no one knows. Friends and aquaintances are shaking their heads in disbelief, numerous land lords are removing their for rent signs and the local canuck bar has hired security. We anxiously await further silly developments in what is becoming another potential pathetic character of the year winner.



Awards, celebrations, dreams

Lamanzanilla receives recognition

    The World Heritage Organization has added Lamanz to one of its lists, receiving 3 big stars as a "world class shit hole". Organizers said there are many criteria for determining what's a shit hole, but in Lamanzs' case we can take it literally. Faulty sewers and overflowing septics have given Lamanz the smell of shit. Thus its special recognition. Residents need not feel too bad about this as Lamanz didn't receive the top status of 5 stars. Maybe next year if we all shit together....

More dreams

    Construction of new homes is picking up, (dont they ever read this?), with at least 8 active sites as of now. At least half of these aren't merely homes but mansions. It will be interesting to see, when all these are finished and their owners have lived in them for a few seasons how quickly the for-sale signs go up, as lamanz didnt turn out to be quite the paradise they had envisioned. (see above story) And what does lamanz get? Even more dream homes that were only beautiful to their owners and just a bunch of white elephants for everyone else to look at, but no one has any desire to buy and/or live in for themselves.

Gar(b)age sale sunday

    In a land where garage sales are unheard of, last sunday was a bonanza. .... with 2!!!  Returning gringos offing their unwanted items (pronounced 'junk') supplied the booty. Of course and as usual, anything that was actually worthy of any useful purpose never actually made it to the sales tables. One sale which was strictly a gringo affair found the cheaper folks trying to rid themselves of their useless shit and weasel out a few pesos for it. The other-'a charity affair'- was supplied by donations. In other words for those that were too lazy to even set up tables and try to hock the shit themselves. Then there were those that were both too lazy and too cheap to do either but not so lazy as to not add to their already mammoth pile of shit.

A big thanks

Its happening again. The yank day to give 'thanks' for the fact indians didn't have better weapons, and were ridiculously naive. Turkey and all the 'fixins' are on many a table. the diners in a few hours of course will likely be under it. All mexicans will be using the back entrance if they are there at all, which isn't likely. Local restaurants will likely have special sittings again. Remember to give thanks for ....ummmmm.... the rule of the chosen race, the holocaust of the indiginous populations for the greater [whiter] good, turkeys dont have vicious teeth, a reason for cranberries, football, small pox, religious nutters? The choices seem endless. Apparently though, there is one true traditional thanksgiving dinner being held. After the obligatory half gallon of beer the fun begins with the time honored tradition of 'the giving out of disease infested blankets to the indiginous'. Always popular with the left. Then, a quick trip to the grave yard for some looting. (locals expect a good haul this year,) After a be-heading or two in the casino (heads to be later displayed on poles in the jardin) there will be a pilgrimage up to some high-walled hill castle and a big dinner of stolen food (so no need to BYO-anything). For justification purposes, the following day is slated for shopping. God bless US.

Coyotes move north

    With the coyote business (smuggling illegals across the border) waning due to the ever decreasing desire to enter the usa, enterprising coyotes are finding a new market. They are moving north to smuggle Canadians across the border. it's not for the same reasons that latinos flow north as most Canadians don't want to go to the states . Its just that the damm place lies between them and their destination of Mexico. For years there was no problem crossing the "friendly" border in their packed rvs. Now things have begun to change.

    The upstart fascist agency called homeland (sounds like fatherland) security is getting its shit together and doing just what it was intended to do which is to label as many as possible as criminals. With its high powered computers it is able to search back through the years and find out all the facts about everyone who was ever born. Sometimes they can tell of things you did even before you were born. There is nothing you can hide so if you were convicted of  even spitting on the sidewalk 40 years ago, they know. (and likely have DNA evidence to boot) If you are Canadian, this is enough to turn you away at the border. The usa being the pristine place that it is, wants no criminal elements within its borders, even if it's just to pass through. Politicians and bankers excepted. Of course, if you want to spend a small fortune to apply for a waiver (that may or may not be granted) your criminal status may be removed. (until its time to renew it) Then you can enter. It is after all, still the land where the dollar rules. Canadians (and particularly the quebecois) with their reputation of not wanting to spend a buck find this kind of extortion unnacceptable. But how do they get their expensive rvs to the beaches of mexico? Enter the coyotes. With their experience along the southern borders they are finding the northern borders a snap. With hundreds, if not thousands, of unpatrolled crossings,and for a fee much less than a waiver, you will be led to one and then sent along your way into some remote area of the northern states. From there, the only tricky part will be to find your way to the nearest interstate. And then you are home free, next stop Mexico.   

zookeeping, slam dunks, art nouveau

it's all happening at the zoo

 By the Zookeeper

   The color for the night was white.... pasty white, the color of the skin of  a plethora of freshly arrived gringos. They were herding in the one place that they can feel at home. There is no hint of being in mexico at this venue, except the brand names of the beer served. They all were greeting (bleating?) each other like long lost relatives and swapping (well practiced) stories of how they spent their summer vacation. Mostly bull shit. The conversations began about being back in Lammanz and the dramas of getting their houses back together. Probably mostly bull shit too. Then, as every year, every one universally bitched about how oppressively hot it is and why isn't the sand back on the beach? There was a clown present, not particularly funny, pathetic really, but he did have a big red nose. And then there were the dogs-lots of dogs- and they were all doing their thing.... being annoying. Of course this was all overlooked by their owners who shrugged their shoulders.... "it's mexico, we can do what we want", not giving a hoot that many folks might be offended and not want to eat their dinner amongst a pack of mangy mutts. Welcome back folks, what could Lamanz do without you?

its nice to be important

    Six truck loads of state police rolled into town recently, not doing much, but still intimidating by their presence. Why so many and what for? It seems they were here as body gaurds and escorts for some infamous cartel boss who has decided to make Lamanz his hide-away. Any further information need not be known.

pay toll, or swim!

    During the last weekend, before the lagoon closed up, a toll of 10 pesos was charged to anyone wanting to cross the swinging bridge. We have been unable to track down those responsible for this toll, be it the ejido, the mayor, or just some enterprising individual who saw a way to make a little beer money. This extortion didn't go down well with those who wanted to go to the other side, or had to because they lived over there. It's bad enough to pay, but to pay to cross a bridge that is in imminent danger of collapse is a bit too much. The damn thing is so unsafe that most people wouldn't cross it if they were paid to.

 new art to reflect local natural 'wonders'

local sports

Work will soon be under way for a basketball court. yeah!! What? Basketball? It better be wheel chair accessable. Will the canadians soon start up a move for a curling rink? An excuse for more cement in Lamanz. Since the average locals height is much less than dos metros, are the kids going to scale the post? Piggy back? Is this simply more American imperialism? Shoving a sport of the inner city down the locals throats. There is an estimated 4.3 million basketball courts in mexico with annual basket ball sales of 118. At best, the kids will be seen kicking basketballs around (which is already happening) and trying to head them into the basket. Most likely to be used for only the tourist season, and only by tourists. Next summer the posts will be cut down for scrap by some of our local criminal element. Instead of a wrestling ring or a cock fighting ring or even a charreria court (as well as god knows what else) lets organize for a strange alien game and help the locals. When will the locals ask to not be 'helped' anymore? How many scraped knees and elbows will result when the local kids string up a line to play volleyball on the court? So,again, instead of soccer field improvements or a baseball backstop, the local kids now have a chance to dream the truly impossible dream - an NBA star! "And now starting in small forward position..." Sad, especially with all the sweeping experience around, one would think curling is a natural. In the tradition of small town
Canada, some folks are planning street hockey at the bb court. This, of course, is rumor. We doubt the 'nuks will actually get off their barstools. Unless they're on their way to the floor.

house review of the month

Unless you are a big shot (pronounced shit) or have dreams of being a big shot this is not the house for you. Built for a big shot (or ones that thought they were) by the most notorious of the notorious three La Manzanilla builders, this house is all show and no substance. In fact, the further away you get the better it looks. Hacked into the side of a hill with the mandatory view, the mansion like qualities fade away apon entering. Inside is an elaborate spiral staircase taking you from one ho-hum floor to another. There is nothing inside this house fit for a king. (the kitchen cabinets look like they came off the floor of the home depot) Ascending up the hill (you do have to like stairs) to the roof top terrace, the view is enough to make any big shot gasp. Be careful though, as a design flaw makes the last few steps a bit precipitous (very narrow and very steep), but they do manage to make the distance. Once on top another design oversite keeps you on your toes for falling rocks. One of the problems that comes with building into unstable hills. Despite its flaws, the asking price is definately at a big shot level.



We welcome the zoo keeper to, uh... er.. the staff, who may or may not keep us up to date on the state of the zoo.

No Parking: Jubilant crocs awaiting points.

crocs benefit from the hurricane (temporarily)

    Lately it has been noticed that LaManzs' crocodiles have developed a slimey film over their bodies. Coincidentally, this film started becoming apparent when the sewer started overflowing and emptying into the lagoon (again/still) . With the hurricane, the lagoon broke through to the ocean and thoroughly flushed itself out, leaving a mildly less polluted lagoon, as well as easy access to the sea for the crocs to frolic. Except for Pancho of course. (the Mumia Abu Jamal of crocs). Fortunately the film is slowly disappearing and they are looking healthier. But what's going to happen when the lagoon closes up, which could happen any day. The crocs will find themselves confined in what will soon become a dwindling body of water. Historically after this amount of rain the sewer could continue to flow for another month or more. Dumping more human waste shit into the lagoon for the crocs to live in until the next break through. Hopefully it won't be too late for them.

man collapses under the weight

A local resident who was heaped with praise for keeping his web site up and running during the recent hurricane collapsed under the weight of his swelled head. Apparently his skeletal frame could no longer support it.

no place to park

    Don't you just hate it when you are going to your favorite restaurant in town and you can't find a place to park? You have to park some good distance away and.....walk! If you wanted to walk you wouldn't have driven the 3 blocks from your house. Ever wonder why there is no parking? Look at your friends who live on the beach. They have taken advantage of the fact that there are no rules, or more probably, rules that no one enforces, and

have taken their entire street frontage as a driveway.

Out of community spirit some have left spaces, maybe, for a Vespa or 2.


comment on the universe

NASA scientists worry about possible global damage due to influx of gringos in Lamanz. Dr. Octavio Diebert of NASAs theoretical universe balance team has stated that it's quite possible that with the massive increase in the number of people thinking they are actually the center of the universe ('points' in NASA lingo) being located in Lamanz in the coming months the actual balance of the universe could be thrown out of whack. Dr Diebert stated "its not the number that's the problem per se, but the rapid increase in that relative number over a short period of time. Most cities, towns have a given number of 'points' depending on various socio-economic factors. Fortunately we believe it is balanced out by the sensible people in those urban centers. The possible problem in lamanz is related to the potential imbalance with the expected massive increase in these 'points'." Apparently the CIA have also been involved clandestinely by attempting to create an environment less friendly to the 'points'. Including haarp induced hurricanes, planned power outages and inoperative sewer systems as well as having operatives in local political power positions. An increase in beer prices was on the table but like chemo it kills everything so it's likely only going to be wine prices. The best thing to do (according to local health authorities) when confronted is to respond to the comment with a friendly 'its not about you' or some such similar tpe of phrase. So.... it's not about you.

point of view

Walking down the strip we ran into one of the famous points.

eye; Hey how are you?

point; Yeah, good yaknow i've been coming here for 20 years, I remember when it was a small town. I know everybody. ive been here for like 25 years and ive been everywhere. I know this place. How long have you been here?

eye: about 30 seconds (too long) now.

point: Shit(!), ive been here for 30 years, you dont know shit.

eye: Duh, how did your house fair through the storm?

point: Fine I got some mexicans cleaning it up but they are doing it wrong. They simply don't know how to do anything properly.

eye: Its cleaning, whats the science?

point: I've been dealing with mexicans for 35 years they cant do shit.

eye: Well that goes for most people but-

point: -Hey ive been coming down for 40 years, dont tell me. I know all about mexicans and how lazy and useless they are.

eye: I know some good mexicans...

point: Yeah who?

eye: Well Pedro is pretty dece-

point: Pedro is a useless tit! I've been coming down for 45 years and i've known him since he was a baby. Look away for a second and he'll rip you off.

eye: Well he-

point: I know mexicans, ive been coming down for 50 years and they are all thieves.

eye: okay then.I must say you look younger than your years.

point: Well it's having a good attitude that helps.

eye: Okay then, well i gotta go, see you around.

point: I'll be here, i've been coming here for 55 years ya know.

eye: Yes, and thank goodness you don't really exist for most of us.

point: Whatever, i've been here for.....

 Lost: rare gringo lawn ornament

have you see me?

     The world series trophy (sadly called the commisioners trophy) was stolen from {deleted by major league baseball} of the St. Louis Cardinals on his celebratory visit to lamanz with the trophy last week. Apparently he 'just went into the deposito to grab some beer', only to return to find the trophy missing from the back of the truck. Amazingly, the locals sitting on the street corner saw nothing. Despite numerous ball-capped guys in black humvees hanging about local scrap dealerships, in the hope that the thief will think its some kind of stupid gringo lawn ornament. Baseball officials are denying the theft altogether, saying only, and off the record, that {deleted by major league baseball} may have just 'missplaced ' the 30 lb silver torture device of a trophy. Baseball fans world wide are overjoyed at the 'loss' of the grotesque and stupid pile of junk that truly embarrasses all who see it. Said long time local baseball legend Dave "I'm proud to be in the now world famous town of Lamanz where that stupid dumb assed trophy finally was put to rest. I pray to the lord they come up with something better."

mocha-Jova

This one didn't miss

  Hurricane Jova (category 2 or as the scots say ' a fine day for golf') blasted into La Manz the evening of the 11th and early morning hours of the 12th. The eye (not us) passed far enough to the north to spare us from the strongest winds, but winds and rain we did get. Fortunately,we were spared a devastating storm surge. Trees and power lines down, streets turned back into their historic arroyos and lots of mud, but no serious damage, outside of a couple of beach restaurants. And even those are only a cleanup away from being back in business.
The photos will tell the story.....

 

 

 

 

 

a mud bath in boca

    Those who chose to build their mansions on the flood plains of Boca de Iguana discovered why they call them flood plains. Water rose rapidly, inundating the expansive homes with up to six feet of dirty water and then subsided just as rapidly leaving every thing coated in a slimey gooey muck. Several human dramas took place during the flood, with one family stranded on their roof and finally having to swim to their neighbors two story house. Another, trying to escape the rising water with a paniced dog, had to be rescued by a local farmer who fortunately heard the crys for help. Most will not see the damage untill they come down in a month or so when all that mud will be crud. Apparently, most floating furniture tips over. Placing all important papers in the bottom drawer may not have been the most wise move. Farmers will be finding all sorts of goodies out in the papaya fields for years.

the beach

The good news, for those who like the beach, huge quantities of sand were washed in covering all the rocks and leaving, when cleaned up, a beautiful sandy beach......

Update: While waiting for electrical lines and phone lines to be restored so we could put out this edition, the sea reclaimed the sand and the beach is once again rocks.

internetics annonymous

  Residents were suffering from "connection" withdrawal pangs following the storm. Most folks still had phone service but no electricity to fire up their modems.... so no internet. After about 36 hours most of the town had electricity restored, but then lost the  telephone. The exchange building, had depleted its backup battery supply of electricity....so no phone service and still no internet. By then, many people were at their wits end - going this long without their internet fix. They mused on the idea that they should have got out beforehand. "Got any internet?" was the most frequent phrase on the streets. 24 hours later, the phone exchange got power, but where the hell was the phone service.... the anticipation was causing all kinds of problems with the internet junkies. Why no phone service? It seemed that no one had a key to get into the building to switch over from battery power to the electrical grid. Although many threats were made, there were unfortunately no reports of suicides from those suffering from the lack of internet.

the real thanks

   Gringos applaud the heroism of some folks on a computer. What?!! The real thanks goes to the neighbors who opened their doors, dug out the messes afterwords and provided food, clothing, and shelter to the people (all the people) who live here. Not those who looked at properties to make sure they were okay for the PTers come November. Not those that filed reports to the north. (as helpful as that was...for them). and definately not those that fled with the fear from (or with) the mindless selfish doomsayers. The real thanks goes to those that had a much smaller  choice. And not a lacking choice from economics and/or selfishness, but one of family and community. Those that stayed because this is their home. Those that simply don't see any heroics at all. Those that did what was right because it was right. Those that showed by action (and not talk) what a real community is about. The ones that arose at 2 am to the call, those that swam or waded a mile to check on their neighbors, those that gave with nothing to give but their selves. Those that secured and checked on the rich gringos houses without being asked or paid (!) Those are the ones that deserve our thanks. And sadly, no one will babble on endlessly on line about these individuals. Kudos to those that truly deserve it. The ones that truly are this old town. So when y'all gringos arrive thank the people that truly deserve it, and not necessarily the ones who 'helped' you out up there with online information. We are sure those folks who have been 'thanked' would appreciate it as well.       

It's dark and the Shit is a comin

 cholera outbreak!!!!!

Of course this headline is not true....yet! There is periodic pumping of the sewage that goes away and sits on the ground in what was designed as a leach field, but it's far enough away not to be worried about. So most seasonal visitors see no problem with this scenario, they didn't come here to worry about shit. They also don't see the flowing man holes during the rainy season. Things are drying out now and everything is getting dusty. Guess what's in that dust that accumulates every where including the air you breath?....the making of a possible epedemic. Because this shit-laced dust is far more dangerous than a few turds flowing from man holes. Dig your heads out of your ass holes and smell the other shit and start working on a solution before the headline becomes a reality. Even if you are only a part time resident a healthy environment should be important to you. The "Eyes" solution: close down the sewer and start over again, and this time do it right.

Got lights?

Power outages seem to be getting more frequent, and some people are starting to get a bit pissed off at the power company and their shitty infrastructue........ but hold on now, in these latest incidences it's not the tangle of wires causing the problem... the lights are being turned off on purpose to try and coerce the delegacion to pay the power bills they have run up keeping the sewer pumps half operating. When they went "operational" with the system they forgot that the pumps take electricity and the bills need to be paid with money that no one delegated for the purpose. Until the town comes up with the dough it can be expected that there will be more and longer outages to come.

beware

They are returning. Already, the influx has begun. After a glorious few months of limited ignorance from the washed masses, they have been spotted. The part timers are coming back. Run, swim fly away if you can! For the rest of us it's another round of people you don't know welcoming YOU back. The discussions will slowly move into the listings of their material things. "I have 200 acres in vermont, my gold stock is up, and my kids are on the honor roll. (which in this day and age means they are mildly above illiterate.) And what the hell!, my cleaning woman wants 50 pesos an hour now, can you believe that?! Eventually all conversation will link back to real estate holdings. I own this, i own that. Another conversation nexus will be how expensive everything here is. (at a fifth of the price of up north) Other recurring subject matters will be how lazy the mexicans are, (as they recline on their plastic chairs, swilling cocktails), or the state of affairs in the usa or canada. (where?) Each returning couple will also increase vehicle traffic by at least 4. Including the new SUV, the quad, the scooter and two new bicycles.(though not actually ever personally used) The local indiginous will be assaulted by the latest spanglish learned on-line. The local message bored will be assailed with the same requests from previous years. Where do i get a car seat for my kid? What time are the buses? Will someone give me a ride to/from the airport? And then the groups will start up. dance, painting, yoga, the girly mens club (manly girls club), to name a few. (it would be interesting if that was just one group) Some of the milestones to be on the lookout for: 6 guys named Dave, 14 buses in a row with Quebec plates. Gringo bar opens (with the same old no service philosophy), the redneck mothers perform, the number of restaurants hits 25. Some ass starts his quest for 'lovers of fine food.' People wearing berkenstocks. Old fat farts dancing at the euro beach bar. (fortunately due to a public outcry, a fence has been installed).Someone picking up dog poop on the beach. The list seems endless.
We can hardly wait...

dumb ass messages

We're looking for the best (worst?) dumb assed message on our local bored. We won't count the barra site on the tomzap zone as it is a lagoon of lunacy. They sure do seem to have the best nut bars there. Here the best so far (we think) is the one searching for AA info. They are sure to add that it's not for them but for some other person. The problem is that they name that person! No surprise there, but so much for anonymous. Honorable mention to all those folks who tell others to go back home when they don't like what's being said. (strangely the same people who tend to spout off about unity and togetherness) Practically all the fat fucked up american women (and their toadying sycophants) in town seem to have spouted this bigoted shit over the years. And no, we are not leaving, this is our home. Okay then, anybody got a good one send it in.

Poor Mexican junior high students forced to park on the street!!

Sad in this day and age but local children are parking their various vehicles right on the street! Please help however you can for a student parking lot.

Where is it?

It's in the air (pee-yew)

La Manz has finally been receiving some rain this month, not much, but some. The place would be in deep shit if it hadn't, a golf course to keep watered next winter and all. Yet,there has been enough rain that it's in deep shit Now! The storm drain/sewer is flowing, not like a fountain as in the past, but flowing. Those little holes in the top of the man hole covers are spewing more than run off water, making the odor around the jardine (and elsewhere)...well, not exactly like the scent of a fresh ocean breeze. People were warned of the conversion and not to flush until december, but I guess some people have to learn the hard way, so now they're smelling their own shit, as well as everyone elses. Another possible reason so many people never come down off the hill.

It's in the wires

Everyone who has lived in La Manz. is aware of the pitiful infrastructure for water, electricity, and of course sewer. We have all learned to live with power outages, no water and the smell of shit, but there seems to be something more sinister coming from the power lines other than no electricity.

Several people around town, all of whom spend much of their time in the same approximate location are coming down with the symptoms of a mild stroke, and in some instances have actually been diagnosed as having a stroke. This location seems to be in a vortex of strange electrical problems, power surges and outages that aren't effecting any where else in town.

Now since strokes are not a physical malady that can be spread by coughing on someone, the coincidence that several people are experiencing these symptoms is disconcerting. The power company claims there is nothing wrong with their system and that this kind of ailment from electric wires is impossible. However something is blowing up TV's and computers and might well be affecting peoples heads too.

                                                         its in your pants

The infamous Lamanz curse on couples has once again rolled into town on the ragged skirt tails of hurricane tiger woods. At least 3 couples have been infected in the last few weeks. Years of marital (ahem) bliss trashed apon the shore of some young mexican mother (or father) of 4. So much for playing the fool for all of ones life. Extensive collateral damage due to the advanced age of the victim couples. One might think only lawyers and politicians were victims but real people have also been harmed. The latest 3 or 4 cases share essentially the same tragic tale. Folks are spewing out the same litany of reasons (excuses) for the deluge. As are the participants. The ecological perspective, popular with the west coast crowd, takes aim at the weather mainly. rain, no rain, HAARP, comets etc. There are the social and economic slant (popular with the college educated (sic) and east coasters. (apologies to Canadians who may think those two terms are opposites) Times are tough, culture is collapsing, that kind of shit. The spiritual realm popular in the mid west (and Mexico). Basically, some voodoo doodoo booboo stuff. This includes the 2012 loon bags. Also, the psychology (there is no...) dogma. Mid life crises, men, women alpha types yadda yadda yadda. As usual, health officials have no answer, but have given the go-ahead to aerial spraying. Unfortunately it is also a no win for local singles as the pool is pollutedly diluted. The winner (?) may only be one of the numerous gigolo Mexican lads or lassies that are now seen hovering around certain mountain-side homes like dogs around trash cans.

house review of the month (or its insane)

The only thing that truly can be said about this months house is WOW! The only thing that could justify the exhorbitant amount being asked is that there is a gold mine in the basement. Located in a viewless, breezeless residential development of like minded pieces of crap, it is clearly one of the gems of the 'notorious three'. Resembling a vertical trailer home it has numerous small cramped rooms stacked one apon the other. If it had the right roof lines it would resemble a Japanese pagoda, and that would make it a lot more pleasing to the eye. The eclectic use of different styles and materials makes it look like the builder was always in a quandry about what to do next. Or halucinating on some exotic drug. Sitting on a lot not much bigger than a postage stamp, it manages to squeeze in a small pool and a mini pagoda which houses the guest closet. Before considering purchasing, check the assay reports on the basement mine.

 it's in your hands

  We gladly will post up anything you care to send in. Via email, we won't use names. 

sick, dying, dead, vindictive, and a chance to get out

Wild woman loose in La Manz.

Upon learning from a third party that her gringo boyfriend didn't want to see her again and wanted her out of his life, the woman quickly went berserk, and no one wanted to be in her path. Her boyfriend, who has put himself in self impossed exile (albeit in the arms of another) left her in charge of his dive in La Manzanilla, and by not calling her or sending emails or any type of communication had hoped she would get the message and split. When this failed to work he sent word to her through a mutual aquantance that as far as he was concerned their relationship was over.

The messenger barely escaped with his life as beer bottles smashed against the wall just above his head. He didn't stick around to witness the further carnage. Noise of things smashing, along with yelling and cursing went on for some time.

Word spread rapidly that beer and booze would be gratis at the dive until it ran out. There were many takers and the party was on; mischief, vandalism, and other forms of debauchery became the acceptable behavior. Early the next morning when the liquor was all but gone and the noise had reached a crescendo the cops finally arrived to break up the party. After some lap-dancing, no one was carted off to jail.

However, this woman was still pissed off, and with the aid of her many non gringo boyfriends, started selling off all her now ex boyfriends possessions that were left behind and not destroyed, as well as anything not bolted down. Friends of her ex boyfriend, all in her mind, became conspirators and now had to worry about the safety of their possesions and maybe even them selves.... all have been maintaining a low profile.

With only a few days left on the rent of their apartment, the land lord upon learning the exboyfriend wasn't going to pay the rent anymore, also used a third party to inform her of the change, possibly also fearful for his safety, as well as the condition his apartment might be left in.

Finally she moved on to her next stop. Rumor has it, Melaque is the spot. Still close enough to wreak some future havoc if the poor sap actually returns. A record number of locks were changed during her spree.

This is your only chance

John Bearsford Tipton Jr., multi national business billionaire extraordinaire has been anonymously visiting La Manz now for many years. He has always enjoyed coming here, finding it beautiful and quaint and always very relaxing. As with many people, he has become appalled at the development over the past few years, and even more appalled at the people responsible for this development. He said (during his last visit) "not only have they fucked the place up with their grandiose constructions, but it turns out that most of the greedy bastards only built them to sell for huge profits".

     The economic crash has severely slowed more construction and pretty much killed the real estate market, but these white elephants are still up for sale and for the most part not a dollar less than the original asking price. Tipton said "It's hard to believe that these people are that stupid, economic crisis aside, and that there would be a wave of people even more stupid to come along and pay the outrageous prices for the crap they have put up." He continued, "As much as I hate to do it, I'm going to give these assholes a deal I hope they won't refuse."

     The deal....one day, with in the next month or two, Tipton will offer full asking price for all La Manz. properties listed in local real estate offices. Response time will be short! Once he has taken ownership, he will restore the environment, starting with the hills. A lottery of some sort will be set up allowing the locals to strip the structures of anything they want, and then they will be knocked down. A team of engineers will then determine the best way to restore the enviroment, and along with local and federal officials, find the best use for the rubble. The same process will then be used for the beach properties. Those properties located in town will be decided on an individual basis as to their fate.

    There will be one condition apon sale. The seller will agree to leave and never return to La Manz. Tipton said, "if any of these jerks thinks they can take the money and come back, they are definately underestimating the wrath and reach of a billionaire. They will wish they hadn't."

Good Idea

-From an email we received. -
Having just read the call for a gringo support group on La Manz's infamous message board, I was amazed that something of importance was there and not the usual drivel. I was also amazed how few people responded; maybe not many folks take seriously this opinionated, controlled form of media.

However, if you are without family here (and you would be surprised how quickly your so called friends will bail on you when forced with serious inconvienence) this group is worthy of consideration. The message was a call for a list of people willing to help out single folks in times of medical emergencies.

If you have ever been in a mexican hospital... you know. If you haven't you can't imagine. If they ever write a novel about mexican hospitals, it could be entitled "As the Cluster Fucks". This type of situation is hard to endure on your own. Now don't get me wrong, mexican hospitals for what they do, are probably as good as any, but what they do is take care of what ails you, but little else. They expect family members to take care of you and little things you might not think about; dump the bed pan, keep you supplied with toilet articles, call the nurse of needed, etc. etc., as well as moral support. An example everyone will understand. You're stuck a in bed with little mobility and your cell phone battery needs charging and you can't reach the plug, or worse it runs out of time.... who is going to get you more?

Sure, visiting the hospital isn't fun but being a patient isn't a barrel of laughs either. A support group takes the burden off one or two people (if you are lucky enough to have them) and spreads it to the group, so no one person has to endure daily treks to the hospital.

If you think this is a lousy idea wait until you get sick, so sign up now and get this group up and rolling. Nobody is getting any younger, and whats best... it doesn't cost anything.

Gato dog gone

The list of poisoned dogs has a new member. Late last week "Gato" - the James Dean (Fonzie?) of the local dog community - fell victim to this recurring strangeness. Friend to all school age kids, Gato was on many an afternoon hunting safari. 'Tanke' as he was also known (as well as black dog and get the hell out of here) would spend most days lying on some ones floor probably dreaming of some other floor to lie on. Or he would be doing the rounds of the friendly restaurants, the pool hall, the club, and gonzales pizza shop and numerous other shops and businesses. Also a regular at rodeos from here to Hidalgo, Gato would wow the crowd with his fearless assaults on the sleepy bulls. A multi time daddy (before the operation) Gato was a role model for his many offspring. Tough but not a bully Gato would tred the hot spots without fear. The goon dogs never got the best of him. Gato made a home where ever he went or, more precisely, every where he went was his home.

Tales of his various adventures were shared this last week apon the hearing of the loss. In his honor these strange folks marched up and down the main street, pissing on posts, eating out of garbage cans, drinking out of puddles and laying down under plastic tables. And other things like bum smelling and tic and flea chewing. One of our group caught up with this strange event as it was occuring.

EYE: Why are you pooping on the street?

Strange person #1: (no response as he walks away)

strange person#2:It's to honor the dog's time with us. A chance to share our grief and a chance to remember the good times I guess. Just to be with people at this time is important in itself. (lies down on the street)

Strange person #3: (poking through a garbage can) Actually i didnt know him, I'm just a cheap Canadian. Look at this chicken bone (holds it up proudly) theres lots of good meat still on it. (chomps it down)

EYE: Okay then, is it safe to assume that Canadians and dirty street dogs share some similarities like we have been told?

SP#2: Well, they're really the same thing, don't you think, Dave? (motioning to SP#1)

SP#1: Certainly. I would say more the same than different, Dave. (Lies down)

EYE: (picks up a stick and throws it) Fetch boy.

SP#1: Hahahahahahaha (doesn't move)

SP#2: Ummm, we don't do those dog exploitation tricks.

EYE: Sit!

(they all get up)

EYE: Errr, stay?

(they all stroll off down the street.)

Though Gato may be gone, there are, apparently, enough Canadians to take up the slack.

Gato in one of his many offices

bring out your dead

Many folks have reached 'full maturity' lately. The list is extensive. At least 6 in the last month or so. So in keeping with the somber tone of the cure for all diseases that has swept through town, we announce the dead pool. A thrilling monthly event to celebrate life.A small entrance fee (50 pesos)and your guess as to who will be the first local to drop off that month. Winner take all. If a winner for a certain month isnt picked the money carries over. All votes can be made through the comment section or by email. All full timers and part timers are within the reach of this pool. It's not necessary that one cashes in his chips right here. As long as the winner has some good solid connection to the town. All predictions must come before the first death of the month. So put on your thinking caps and come up with the winner for the month of September. Murders are excluded as the option gives most americans too many nefarious ideas. Suicides (the sincerest form of self criticism) are always welcome.

advertisement

Join us now -classes are filling up. Don't be left out.

The La Manzanilla Alternative School to Yoga and Painting.

-Horse shoe lessons are pretty much full with a waiting list. We are presently interviewing new instructors in order to expand this popular program.

- Cuss and slang spanish is almost full too. Hurry up in order to avoid disapointment, cabron!

- Learn bridge the complicated way. All spaces are still available.

- Ego tour and house sitting seminars both have a number of openings left.

remember the season is almost upon us and you wouldn't want to be left out in the cold with nothing but water colors and glorified twister without the dots.