It's with sadness or joy that we bring to you the hopefully last eye. We've said it all, and still the lunacy reigns. No surprise there but it just seems we are doing the same thing over and over. It's like we keep repeating. Again and again we keep spewing up the same old critiques. Time after time we.... ah never mind. Anyways the editor has finally decided to stop it as well and since she was always the one getting it together the remaining writer has been left with no outlet. Thank goodness. We must admit the death of 3 contributors within the last year or so didn't help either. We did manage to find some old bits and pieces and have slapped them together rather haphazardly into this post. So unless some live contributors suddenly show themselves.........
.carol burnett adios
if neil lived here
.carol burnett adios
I'm so sad we had this time together
just to listen to your whining lies
it seems you just get started on another pile of horse shit
comes the time we get to say piss off.
if neil lived here
oh to live in La Manzanilla
with the barking dogs and the coloured, er white buffoons
you act like you're 20
in La Manzanilla
though we're thinking your a brainless gringo.... a brainless gringo
its so noisy at the square but all your 'friends' are there
and the tequilas that you had with your mother and your dad
chorus
theres a girl down the street and you think she'd like to meet
you can see her turn and run as you stumble like a bum
chorus
now you're puking on your feet and you're sleeping on the street
and the people that you met shook their heads and left you wet
you say you're coming back from the boteneros in melaq
ain't it funny how you think no one knows you are a dink
chorus
super tourist.
drunker than a Irish miner, more pompous than an Oregon hippy. able to assess foreign cultures in a single phrase
look there in the square. its a nerd!
its a drain!(on our senses)
No!, its super tourist!
Yes, its super tourist, strange visitor from a northern country who came to La Manzanilla with arrogance and stupidity beyond those of local men. Super tourist, who can change the course of foreign cultures, crush beer cans with the help of friends and who, disguised as brain dead, pussy whipped peon from a foreign country, fights a never ending battle for injustice and the cheapest way. And now another mind numbing episode in the misadventures of super tourist.
newbie know it alls
each season brings a few more full timers in. suddenly they know it all, and worse, like too loudly express their ignorance (they call it knowledge) fortunately enough of them drop off every year as well, so the balance is maintained. 80 % is it a changing of the guards of ignoramuses. a whole new batch of loonies replacing the gone loonies. With a whole new batch of wackos one would expect a whole new batch of wacko behaviour. (we would hope) Unfortunately it probably wont happen that way and will just be new names on the same old behaviours. Maybe its time to install an ignoramus tax.
health of the community
we already knew most folks (not just here)were sick but this season brought in the physical aspects. almost everybody suffered from some sort of malaise lasting from days to glorious weeks. having so many lain up for a week or 2 or 3 was quite frankly spectacular. the bull shit meter wasn't as high as in previous years and that is healthy.
silence is golden
the song whisperers came through town again a while back.Silently cooing old tunes that can only be heard from within a few meters. The shushes were clearly the loudest noises heard, since even the quietest chatter was considered loud. It was the first time this season where 50 gringos together actually were silent. So bless them.
post this
This season our local message bored has been rife with local pictures. Except for the continuing shots of sunsets (at least 50 so far this year) many have been of quality and worth a peek. A picture is worth a thousand words it is said but when the first of those thousand words that comes out of your mouth is 'what the fuck' then it's time to shut er up. Pictures of plastic chairs and tables? we expect a whole series on dog poops or pop bottles to show up soon.
posters galore gore.
it seems from a cursory inspection that the local message bored is having its own competition. there are a dozen folks that seem to do nothing but put up stupid postings. is it a race. do they check their stats or wonder in the morning if they can come up with 3 or 4 postings by noon. is it how they measure their position in the community. even if they are thousands of miles away they still post. it may be time to charge for each posting. even 5 pesos would probably shut up a few of them. we thought of having a listing of the stupidest but we don't have that kind of spare time. Just analyzing the starr posts would keep us working for years.
help?
loud mouthed schnook volunteers run rampant. lumbering through time honored community organisations lik bull in a china shop, it seeks to control while expressing a pathetic need to be associated with something... anything. local groups are scrambling to find a polite way to say the door is shut while still keeping it open for other less largely offensive cattle.
drunkagains casa
just sit right back and you'll here a tale, a tale of a fate full trip
that started from a northern port aboard some mighty ship.
the mate was a mighty tall girly-boy, the wife an ugly slob,
with numerous friends and family it's an ugly mob, it's an ugly mob .
the weather started getting hot, the noisy group were sloshed.
if not for the web and the message board all would be lost, all would be lost
the groups all hiding in a bungalow deep up in the hills.
with Valium, sun lotion too, tequila... and some lime.
there's a drunken whore, an artistic puss and the pompous ass
all in drunkagain's casa
this week's episode, drunkagain gets bit by a scorpion with hilarious results
so this is the tale of our cast of geeks, they're here for a few more weeks.
they'll have to bitch about everything, for daily it's a climb.
the mate and his wife as well, will bloat out with the rest,
and piss off all the locals in their tropical seaside nest
no respect, no brain no common sense, not a single quality.
like drunken dumb ass sailors , they're as ignorant as can be
so join us in a few weeks my friend you're bound to crack a smile,
when 7 tourist lunatics leave from drunkagains casa!!
how to clear the beach
time
what is it about length of time here that so bamboozles and idiocifies the gringo population? It is always one of the first things asked. There is connected with the response some strange non-sensical idea that the longer one has been here the more 'special' they are. The more they can act like they are somehow superior to those who have resided here for shorter periods of time. Their insights are brighter, their opinions more intelligent, their biases more correct. They act like wise elders rather than the wizen oldsters they really are. As twisted as this is, there is also the supported response from those lower on the time spent continuum that may be even more off kilter. Never is the elder oldster questioned about the validity of time spent being the sole arbiter of 'what is'. Or isn't for that matter. Just because one has been in a place for a certain period of time is no justification for stupidity, or intelligence. Although those who have been around here longer obviously will disagree since they obviously know more. It gets to ridiculous extremes when people actually lie about how long they have lived here. The insanity of this is repeated throughout the world, so don't feel so special... laddy.
i've seen every jerk
I was walking back along the sandy old boca road
when along came a truck driven by a gringo with a purple nose
if you're going to lamanz Dave with me you can ride
i barely make it inside when we're driven off the side
he asked me then if I'd seen so many jerks in my whole life
and I said listen Dave I've seen every jerk in this whole land
I've seen every jerk man I've seen every jerk.
the jerks are teen hos, big Joe's, chanting floes, loud mouthed schmoes
teen editors, song whisperers snobby sores, whining bores
addled artists, stinking fartists' smelling drunkards complainin' lard bags'
sarcastic (re)marks, hearts so dark, pompous birds, small minded turds
shredded clothes on broken souls and big dumb logger fools
I've seen every jerk Dave I've seen every jerk
media is the mess
Newspapers galore. A sweet little info newspaper came out a few months back. Not to be outdone, another one was created. Is there suddenly so much news print worthy stuff or is this just the way it is. if one has some success then a whole flock follows. Is it a matter of time before we have 6 newspapers, 3 radio stations and 4 movie houses?
bank on it
Bank machine arrives with much excitement. Next year they plan on unpacking it and maybe plugging it in. Then another season will pass and money will be placed in it. Then the poor banker woman will then be inundated with unbelievably loud mouthed buffoons complaining and bitching about the bugs in the bank machine.
the face of the town
The town's new official ambassador has taken up in his new official welcome station out on the first curve of the highway going south, Having passed the recruitment process with flying colors, he is now representing us all in his regal welcoming position, Clearly representing the best of what we offer: a lazy half wit bum with visions of grandeur (he claims to be both a lawyer and a doctor). He stands on guard in his tattered remnants on the corner or lounges on his throne of plastic and sticks, Often doing his best BC teacher impression he blandly stares through you.Welcome!
