sick, dying, dead, vindictive, and a chance to get out

Wild woman loose in La Manz.

Upon learning from a third party that her gringo boyfriend didn't want to see her again and wanted her out of his life, the woman quickly went berserk, and no one wanted to be in her path. Her boyfriend, who has put himself in self impossed exile (albeit in the arms of another) left her in charge of his dive in La Manzanilla, and by not calling her or sending emails or any type of communication had hoped she would get the message and split. When this failed to work he sent word to her through a mutual aquantance that as far as he was concerned their relationship was over.

The messenger barely escaped with his life as beer bottles smashed against the wall just above his head. He didn't stick around to witness the further carnage. Noise of things smashing, along with yelling and cursing went on for some time.

Word spread rapidly that beer and booze would be gratis at the dive until it ran out. There were many takers and the party was on; mischief, vandalism, and other forms of debauchery became the acceptable behavior. Early the next morning when the liquor was all but gone and the noise had reached a crescendo the cops finally arrived to break up the party. After some lap-dancing, no one was carted off to jail.

However, this woman was still pissed off, and with the aid of her many non gringo boyfriends, started selling off all her now ex boyfriends possessions that were left behind and not destroyed, as well as anything not bolted down. Friends of her ex boyfriend, all in her mind, became conspirators and now had to worry about the safety of their possesions and maybe even them selves.... all have been maintaining a low profile.

With only a few days left on the rent of their apartment, the land lord upon learning the exboyfriend wasn't going to pay the rent anymore, also used a third party to inform her of the change, possibly also fearful for his safety, as well as the condition his apartment might be left in.

Finally she moved on to her next stop. Rumor has it, Melaque is the spot. Still close enough to wreak some future havoc if the poor sap actually returns. A record number of locks were changed during her spree.

This is your only chance

John Bearsford Tipton Jr., multi national business billionaire extraordinaire has been anonymously visiting La Manz now for many years. He has always enjoyed coming here, finding it beautiful and quaint and always very relaxing. As with many people, he has become appalled at the development over the past few years, and even more appalled at the people responsible for this development. He said (during his last visit) "not only have they fucked the place up with their grandiose constructions, but it turns out that most of the greedy bastards only built them to sell for huge profits".

     The economic crash has severely slowed more construction and pretty much killed the real estate market, but these white elephants are still up for sale and for the most part not a dollar less than the original asking price. Tipton said "It's hard to believe that these people are that stupid, economic crisis aside, and that there would be a wave of people even more stupid to come along and pay the outrageous prices for the crap they have put up." He continued, "As much as I hate to do it, I'm going to give these assholes a deal I hope they won't refuse."

     The deal....one day, with in the next month or two, Tipton will offer full asking price for all La Manz. properties listed in local real estate offices. Response time will be short! Once he has taken ownership, he will restore the environment, starting with the hills. A lottery of some sort will be set up allowing the locals to strip the structures of anything they want, and then they will be knocked down. A team of engineers will then determine the best way to restore the enviroment, and along with local and federal officials, find the best use for the rubble. The same process will then be used for the beach properties. Those properties located in town will be decided on an individual basis as to their fate.

    There will be one condition apon sale. The seller will agree to leave and never return to La Manz. Tipton said, "if any of these jerks thinks they can take the money and come back, they are definately underestimating the wrath and reach of a billionaire. They will wish they hadn't."

Good Idea

-From an email we received. -
Having just read the call for a gringo support group on La Manz's infamous message board, I was amazed that something of importance was there and not the usual drivel. I was also amazed how few people responded; maybe not many folks take seriously this opinionated, controlled form of media.

However, if you are without family here (and you would be surprised how quickly your so called friends will bail on you when forced with serious inconvienence) this group is worthy of consideration. The message was a call for a list of people willing to help out single folks in times of medical emergencies.

If you have ever been in a mexican hospital... you know. If you haven't you can't imagine. If they ever write a novel about mexican hospitals, it could be entitled "As the Cluster Fucks". This type of situation is hard to endure on your own. Now don't get me wrong, mexican hospitals for what they do, are probably as good as any, but what they do is take care of what ails you, but little else. They expect family members to take care of you and little things you might not think about; dump the bed pan, keep you supplied with toilet articles, call the nurse of needed, etc. etc., as well as moral support. An example everyone will understand. You're stuck a in bed with little mobility and your cell phone battery needs charging and you can't reach the plug, or worse it runs out of time.... who is going to get you more?

Sure, visiting the hospital isn't fun but being a patient isn't a barrel of laughs either. A support group takes the burden off one or two people (if you are lucky enough to have them) and spreads it to the group, so no one person has to endure daily treks to the hospital.

If you think this is a lousy idea wait until you get sick, so sign up now and get this group up and rolling. Nobody is getting any younger, and whats best... it doesn't cost anything.

Gato dog gone

The list of poisoned dogs has a new member. Late last week "Gato" - the James Dean (Fonzie?) of the local dog community - fell victim to this recurring strangeness. Friend to all school age kids, Gato was on many an afternoon hunting safari. 'Tanke' as he was also known (as well as black dog and get the hell out of here) would spend most days lying on some ones floor probably dreaming of some other floor to lie on. Or he would be doing the rounds of the friendly restaurants, the pool hall, the club, and gonzales pizza shop and numerous other shops and businesses. Also a regular at rodeos from here to Hidalgo, Gato would wow the crowd with his fearless assaults on the sleepy bulls. A multi time daddy (before the operation) Gato was a role model for his many offspring. Tough but not a bully Gato would tred the hot spots without fear. The goon dogs never got the best of him. Gato made a home where ever he went or, more precisely, every where he went was his home.

Tales of his various adventures were shared this last week apon the hearing of the loss. In his honor these strange folks marched up and down the main street, pissing on posts, eating out of garbage cans, drinking out of puddles and laying down under plastic tables. And other things like bum smelling and tic and flea chewing. One of our group caught up with this strange event as it was occuring.

EYE: Why are you pooping on the street?

Strange person #1: (no response as he walks away)

strange person#2:It's to honor the dog's time with us. A chance to share our grief and a chance to remember the good times I guess. Just to be with people at this time is important in itself. (lies down on the street)

Strange person #3: (poking through a garbage can) Actually i didnt know him, I'm just a cheap Canadian. Look at this chicken bone (holds it up proudly) theres lots of good meat still on it. (chomps it down)

EYE: Okay then, is it safe to assume that Canadians and dirty street dogs share some similarities like we have been told?

SP#2: Well, they're really the same thing, don't you think, Dave? (motioning to SP#1)

SP#1: Certainly. I would say more the same than different, Dave. (Lies down)

EYE: (picks up a stick and throws it) Fetch boy.

SP#1: Hahahahahahaha (doesn't move)

SP#2: Ummm, we don't do those dog exploitation tricks.

EYE: Sit!

(they all get up)

EYE: Errr, stay?

(they all stroll off down the street.)

Though Gato may be gone, there are, apparently, enough Canadians to take up the slack.

Gato in one of his many offices

bring out your dead

Many folks have reached 'full maturity' lately. The list is extensive. At least 6 in the last month or so. So in keeping with the somber tone of the cure for all diseases that has swept through town, we announce the dead pool. A thrilling monthly event to celebrate life.A small entrance fee (50 pesos)and your guess as to who will be the first local to drop off that month. Winner take all. If a winner for a certain month isnt picked the money carries over. All votes can be made through the comment section or by email. All full timers and part timers are within the reach of this pool. It's not necessary that one cashes in his chips right here. As long as the winner has some good solid connection to the town. All predictions must come before the first death of the month. So put on your thinking caps and come up with the winner for the month of September. Murders are excluded as the option gives most americans too many nefarious ideas. Suicides (the sincerest form of self criticism) are always welcome.

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Join us now -classes are filling up. Don't be left out.

The La Manzanilla Alternative School to Yoga and Painting.

-Horse shoe lessons are pretty much full with a waiting list. We are presently interviewing new instructors in order to expand this popular program.

- Cuss and slang spanish is almost full too. Hurry up in order to avoid disapointment, cabron!

- Learn bridge the complicated way. All spaces are still available.

- Ego tour and house sitting seminars both have a number of openings left.

remember the season is almost upon us and you wouldn't want to be left out in the cold with nothing but water colors and glorified twister without the dots.