mad dog chumps pathetic character

First aid for sewer... a large band aid has been gently wrapped on one of the sewer lines broken by Jova. When asked why it wasn't fixed properly the response was duct tape is too expensive.

The most pathetic character of the year!!!

    Flakes, missfits, and all around general fuckups seem to be attracted to the Costa Allegre in unusually high proportions. Statistitions are baffled. Lamanz, although not as bad as some neighboring towns, certainly has its share. So, with that in mind, it's time to decide. Who was the most pathetic character of the last year? The votes are all in for this years grand champion (el gran perdedor). There were essentially 4 in the race, of which 2 have already been reported on. The wild woman of lamanz and her clap on clap off boyfriend. Many folks figured this was a shoe in, but no, only a pathetic second place. (or top loser as we like to say.) For those that were personally affected nobody will outdo the circe, but alas, a mere 3rd position. A late charge came from some canadian television addict nut bar amateur loser, but in the end he was just too amateuristic in delivery to compete with the professionals. So, with a tear in our eye and a flip of the coin we present {drum roll} the most pathetic character of the year.......

#%+!

    #%+! and the return trip to some northern wasteland has, not surprisingly, earned him the title of "pathetic character of the year". The reasons for this return trip seem somewhat flawed, but it's all #%+! could come up with at the time. When your day was spent looking for a drink in order to stay drunk and delusional because you had painted yourself into a corner ,well... #%+! thought he needed to go back to some city up north to get a job, as well as to get a hold of what ever cash the gravy train might have left. At 50 years old, (looking 60) ten years not working and out of the country, DT's so bad if he doesn't get a 6 pack into him 1st thing he can't hold a hand steady enough to type on a computer. Add to that, no drivers license, and no car or place to stay when there. #%+! is going to find that jobs, not to mention the economy, is in a flux and there are no jobs, and it's one of the most expensive places to live. (especially for someone who consumes a case of beer a day and 4 packs of smokes.)
The ex here paid for a plane ticket . (I assume it was worth it to see that #%+! is going far away). Well, he didn't go, claiming to have no place to stay when he got there. So #%+! stayed here, quickly running out of money and living on credit and sympathy. He was finally able to talk some ex-employer into sending him some money, which of course he went through like beer (or as beer), and still, was no closer to shitting or getting off the pot.

#%+! still couldn't find a place to stay there, or anyone that might take that sorry ass in up there. (it's easy to believe #%+! burned all those bridges long ago). So he carried on drinking, in an establishment that was constantly bad mouthed, (ironically the only one to extend credit) and bitching about how stupid all the people he hung around with are. The irony was so thick you could be smothered by it. Finally #%+! was poured into a PV bound bus. Present where abouts unknown although the rumor is #%+! is in Canada. Don't worry you Canadians out there, it's apparently Toronto. He should actually fit in pretty easily.

When finally reached about his award #%+! said 'fuck you all.' A truly heart warming moment. So that's it for 2011, now it's not too early to get a head start on 2012. So get out there and behave pathetically, we know you have it in you.

its ................................... mexico

    "its mexico we can do what we want"..... this seems to be the attitude of all too many gringos (to get the record straight, we consider all non hispanic foreigners gringos, canadians no exception) So, from time to time we will be reporting choice examples of this type of attitude.

    A gringo camping on the beach is doing so with his private attack pack of dogs. These marauding  mutts bark and chase and snap after anyone who passes their (sic) stretch of beach, especially if they too have a dog. Recently when another angry gringo threw rocks at them,  to protect his cowering leashed dogs, he was subsequently accosted and threatened by their keeper, armed with a shovel. Fortunately the shovel wielder backed down when the dog protector stood up to him. Although no physical altercation ensued, many angry words were passed (such as you peepee head). The keeper claiming that "its mexico and....."  he is free to let his possibly murderous attack dogs run the beach untethered, not caring a whit that they were threatening and scaring the shit out of anyone who passed.

It's all in the view!!

A hundred years ago when the cities of western North America were expanding their residential neighborhoods, many were plagued with hills and ridges. Streets were layed out nonetheless in grid pattern and houses were built. As was the style back then living and dining rooms faced the street, and kitchens, baths, and bedrooms faced the back. Depending on what side of the street you lived on made the difference whether you viewed from your living room or your bathroom, what was quite often a drop dead gorgeous view...... and to the people living there at the time... they couldn't have given a shit.

Now, if there is no view, it ain't worth squat! Ten or so years ago people came to La Manz and went absolutely ga-ga over the view.... They built mansions on the hills, each trying to outdo their neighbors view. And really, a view of what: the basically unchanging ocean and shore line, and outside of an occassional good sunset or even more rare, a ship going by, it might as well be a mural.

Now, it seems that all these folks, soaking up their cocktails and staring at their now boring view, have come to the realization that the price of their view is a house sitting on an unstable hillside in a town that in their eyes is becoming a shit hole. (Strangely unaware that they are in fact the cause.) Even the friendly folks they met when they first arrived have turned out to be complete jerks.

Whats the answer.Well... get the hell out! Sell the house for double what you have into it and pass it on to the next chump who can't live without a view. But guess what, except for the odd case you were the last of the chumps, so enjoy the view.

whats happening with the zoo???

    We know the zoo goes on and the inhabitants are getting well oiled as the season kicks in. But the zoo keeper has been unheard from. as our intrepid zoo keeper been swallowed up by the madness and forgot the contract to keep us informed. How can we relate the facts of this important, no vibrant, no ridiculous bunch to our anxious reader who need to know 'the truth' about what is happening in the community. We hope our star reporter hasn't been caught up in the frenzy, not to be heard from again. Zoo keeper please call in.

Applications for zoo keeper position via email.  



last issue comments

none

a dogs breakfast in paradise

Work has begun for Lamanzs new cruise ship dock. At its present rate of construction the first passengers will be coming ashore in 2089.

Paradise returning

    A flury of activity from our benevolant overseer La Huerta has transformed Lamanzs' rutted dusty streets into smoother dusty streets. Now it is possible for vehicles to speed (see story below) along, unimpared by holes, ruts and uneven surfaces, kicking up far more dust than before. But the streets do look better.
   The sewer has stopped flowing into the streets, or at least there is the illusion that it has stopped. Reluctantly, the delegado is running the expensive to operate pumps to keep the level of the shitty water from spewing from the manholes. After dark though when no one is noticing the pumps stop and there returns some flow into the mangroves. Fortunately, mother nature has dried up the greater flow of water into the system, so the illusion of  'no problemo' can be maintained.
    Speaking of mother nature, she seems to be (albeit slowly) returning the sand to the beach, so hopefully soon the excess rocks can be scooped up and shoved back into the sea. Thus bringing Lamanzs' beautiful beach back online and returning the place to paradise status. All of this activity will hopefully bring in hordes of tourists this upcoming xmas holiday. Bringing a little income to the beleaguered merchants. Although the town is full of the seasonal gringo regulars, tourism is down and local businesses are feeling the pinch, especially the restaurants. The regular seasonal bunch, being the cheap bastards that they are, contribute surprisingly little to the local economy. Making a lot of local residents thinking that they are hardly worth having to put up with in the first place. 

Corleones Amigos

Mark February 12th on your calender. After years of inactivity Corleones amigos is back with its ever popular catch'n'kill day. Guido, spokesman for the family said "its good to be back and helping out. on Tuesday the 12th, make sure your dogs and cats and decrepit grandparents are on the streets as we will be doing a town tour to rid ourselves of those useless and economic draining shits. The spree will run from 10am to 4pm and again from 10pm to 12am. Its been a few years since we last came through but we expect really good numbers. 'Donations' will be collected the following sunday. Don't try to hide." The bodies will be buried in the south end of the soccer field at 4 am.

mens breakfast

Now serving men!!! Mostly fried but some are baked. We also have cold. Almost all are well aged and marinated. Served in a shallow plate with complimentary ass hole. We have the latest from the top American and Canadian producers, artificially preserved for your culinary enjoyment. Unfortunately, super size proportions only. Please call in advance for special orders such as raw, wild or fresh. All are gauranteed to be white and cheap. Hurry now as supplies are limited. 

review

We found the mens breakfast had too much fat. The talk was half baked and the theories seemed warmed over. We think it was the arguments that really smelled fishy. When questioned one diner said 'eat me'.

NASCAR arrives

The big ego inflating race trucks have been washed and are now threatening our loved ones. One might think they are just kids joyriding but no, its a pack of old blue hairs thinking the local roads are the fucking autobahn. The whiteness of their skins gives away their recent arrival. Even behind the smoked out glass the illumination of their lizard like hide is visible. Obviously an accident is coming if only because of their poor eye sight. which we only assume is the case as they all seem to drive down the middle of the main drag. Acting like children, they view a tope as an opportunity to pass. A surprising 100% live high up on the hills. One woman in a white pickup (amazingly parked in order to block any movement on the road) was questioned about her erratic and dangerous driving. She went on to crow about her economic participation in the town. hiring locals apparently allows one a James Bond status drivers licence. Shame on you. Something akin to a bad trick sheet will be made available in the coming weeks.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

    The wild woman of Lamanz has started busing in relatives in the hopes that they too can hook themselves their own gringo sugar daddy. They are out searching for any horny old fart that they think they can reel in and then not let go. They will try to steal your heart and if that doesn't work they will steal your wallet. ( and anything else not nailed down) Beware!! Either scenario will cause you nothing but grief, keep it in your pants.

Last issues comments

    OK..this a retort to the "Employee Bonus" issue that year after year continues to be a thorn in many peoples paws. Thing is, that while I know that most of the people in town who have their houses cleaned by the local nationals can certainly afford to pay the $3 to $5/hr, my guess that a Xmas dinner out at Cafe Flores is money much better spent to them. I mean seriously, why would you possibly want to give someone who cleans your toilets, dirty sheets, skin scum outta the shower, and God knows whatever other gross dirty deed needing to be done, a $35 Christmas/year end bonus when it can be spent doing something fun for yourself?
Yes, you can bet bottom to dollar that those who squeak the loudest about these "bonuses" will have at least one, if not two, wonderful feasts over the holiday season, their xmas stockings will be filled to the brim with goodies & baubles, and the a/c unit blasting a icy cool winter-like breeze...reminding them that they are indeed, in paradise.
I just wonder if their counterparts will have the same wonderful, rich experience? 
SO, MERRY CHRISTMAS...now would that be one lump of coal, or two, in your stockings, my dear neighbors?

    Well why should we pay more? $5 is double the normal wage in Mexico. That should more than cover the bonus in Dec. Mind your own business anonymous!

    OMG you have got to be kidding! Pay the people double their wage and bonus they work hard for you, Don't be such a putz. Its an incredible feeling to make someone else's life better, and your likely to not have your toilet cleaned with your tooth  brush.