dining dancing and pissing

cant get enough

    A charitable event became a food shovelling competition earlier this season. Hors d'oeuvres were brought out and it was like a farmer calling suey to bring his pigs to the trough. People shoved pushed and clawed their way for space at the table, so that they could inhale the tasty morsels. From serving dish to mouth with lightening quickness and the second hand coming up just as fast to make sure the mouth never emptied. Folks looked like chipmunks with their cheeks stuffed. this display of gluttony is almost unrivaled by starving people in Africa when the relief truck drops off a bag of rice. Despite the dress and appearance of non chalant affluence it was obvious these people were hell bent on getting their entree fees worth.

who would have thunk it?

    The monthly talent show with new talent performing turned into a rollicking foot stomping melee of dancing fools. With the most unlikely of people leading folks into the frenzy....... Lamanz's own beer toting grump.

  better than thou

    It seems a few too many local blank folks have this belief that they are superior to certain individuals in our community. The acting out behaviors towards these unfortunates as they were is quite staggering in its abuse and defamement. and why are these poor buggers so ostracized abused miss used debased and threatened? well, only because they are here 'illegally'. though one can logically argue that no one is illegal, logic is not a part of these snobs attitudes. they appear to believe that because certain individuals are walking a legal tight rope  they can then treat them like street dogs. numerous occassions have seen these poor folks hiding because another blank ass from up north wants to power trip on them. strangely a pretty consistant behavior for those with no personal control or power of their own. and god forbid the poor illegal not suck the asses of these prima donnas for they then will at least be threatened with phone calls to immigration and possible deportation. this goes on all the while these same said blank asses go on about community building. truly pathetic.

LaManz makes dictionary

    In this all encompassing world of the Internet, there must be folks who do nothing other than monitor everything on it. This must be the case for the people who compile the complete dictionary of the English language. this is because the newest word to be entered into their dictionary made its world wide debut on Lamanz's infamous message board. Apparently they were so impressed by this new word they contacted its inventor for a definition. The word and definition were readily accepted and will be included in their 2013 edition. Thus the word 'dildonic' is part of the English language.

its so hot

    The newly arrived and not so newly arrived folks are bitching about how hot it is. It seems pretty ironic that they come all the way from the frozen north to get away from the cold only to complain about the heat. They should have studied a bit of geography before leaving to realize that Lamanz is in the tropics. And by definition the tropics is the 'hot' zone between the tropics of Cancer and Capricorn. (approximately 23dsegrees north and south of the equator) The words hot zone should be a complete give away as to why it is hot here at 19 degrees north latitude. 

Thar she blows

    fortunate for many who missed the Los Ingenios rodeo a couple weeks back. as the list of injured is still to be determined. most wont even be counted as they utilize a denial defence. we have heard of three caballeros who are still suffering blindness. the medical authorities say its a mental issue as they are all  physically okay. As far as can be determined that is the extreme end although there are still many missing, and the true extent of the damage may never be known. one witness said he was just going down to the creek when he saw it. "it was horrifying and big and white like the moon."   We asked for more details but the witness ran screaming down the street.Further investigation led to stories about the outlandish behavior of some gringa, drunk and unaware that the creek was not a bathroom nor does it have doors

sliding mud cont.

scene 3 continued. Annabelle and Wilma continue to bitch away. Buck enters the restaurant and joins them at their table.
Buck- Good morning ladies and how are you this fine morning?
Annabelle- Whats with you, get a new squeeze?
Buck- That I did. The woman who bought the place below Gary and Denise's. I went over to see if she needed any help getting her place straightened up. It turned out she is one horny bitch and wants me for the season. That's her shiny new SUV over there, which is mine whenever I want it. This is going to be one good gig. I should be moving in by next week.
Wilma- Jesus Christ, Buck, she must be 70. You sure aren't too particular about how you get by
Buck- Shes only 67, and you know how these older women like to have some young stud on their arms, escorting them around. Besides the benefits are great.
Annabelle- You might just have an overinflated opinion of yourself, young stud indeed.
Buck- Well I'm a lot younger than the bulk of this geriatric bunch. Anyways I got to go, just out to get some coffee.

    Meanwhile, back at the bar Carlos enters.
Elmore- Where the fuck have you been? You've got thirsty fucking customers here, fuck.
Carlos- Sorry guys, I had some things to do. What can I get you?
Elmore- You know damn fucking well what we want. Beer!, and fucking now. Now that fucking fat Bob is back why don't you give him a fucking key, he's here every fucking morning.
Carlos- I tried that last year. He doesn't pay for his drinks. He practically busted me , you realize how much that guy drinks?
Fat Bob- And why shouldn't I? I was doing your job.opening the place up, serving beer. I should be compensated. You get paid don't you?
Carlos- Yeah, but you really only served them to yourself.
Elmore- What's the fucking difference? He still fucking sells them.
Carlos- melchinga que dito. Hey Bob, That was some performance that Two put on last night wasn't it?
Bob- Oh Christ. I don't think I ever met a drunk as nasty and mean as she gets. She cussed us all out because no one would give her a ride home. When it was pointed out that none of us had a car, she cussed us out for that. I don't know how she got home but she was adamant she wasn't going to walk.
Elmore- How fucking come all you fuckers call her Two?
Bob- Elmore if you weren't so wasted all the time you would know.
Carlos- It's because her name is Annabelle and we already have an Annabelle so we called her Annabelle two which later became just Two.
Elmore- Oh that's right I fucking remember now.

Returning to the restaurant
 Buck leaves and passes Louise on his way out. Louise heads for Wilma and Annabelle's table.
Wilma- Louise, its good to see you. When did you get back? Come sit down grab some coffee and tell us how your summer was.
Louise-My summer was fantastic. That cultivating of medical marijuana has turned out to be profitable and rewarding.i just wished i could have brought some down with me. In fact I haven't been able to locate my regular source, Do you know where i can get some?
Wilma- I can spare you a couple of joints  but the stuff is pretty scarce right now.
Annabelle- You might try Carlo's down at the bar. He always seems to be able to come up with whatever you may want.
Louis- Good idea, thanks, and can I get those joints just to get me by until I score.

unsolicited stuff

   be nice he tried to tell them,  be cool, be smooth. be kind he came to sell them, 

 but they weren't buyin' any of that kind of shit, so they spanked him some and stuck him up on a stick

 a jesuscicle - paleta de jesus -  Bob Marley put jah in his pipe and played and prayed for peace,

 softly, strongly, long lovingly and hardly, so they made him sick, Lennon laughed and smoked and spouted,

all you need is love he spoke, love - he said, love is all you need - he shouted, so they punched a ticket to  ride

to heaven straight in his chest, well they cant keep killing all the Kennedy's and I'll stand with whoevers left

it's times like these when hell starts to freeze, we'll all soon be taken to the test, i say love rules,
 love conquers all, 

i so seriously suggest, i say it from the hearts of the highlands of Scotland, and the shores of old Mexico, it's time to awake 

to that which has long laid lost forgotten-love is the opening door-love is what we came here for 

princes and lords are but the breath of kings - an honest man's the noblest work of god -

and I'll leave you all with one more small refrain 

we've said it before, we'll say it again-if not us,who? If not now - when? will we love each other like there's no tomorrow 

can we love each other like there's no tomorrow

End of the world posting?

Beach and accompanying behaviors are back!!

    Corner taco wagon doing well.

    Excellent tacos at reasonable prices. The reopened corner taco mobile has been a big draw to many, including some of the nose in the air crowd. This particular corner however has the unsavory reputation as the hang out for the less than discreet town drunks. Despite the cheap prices there are still many refusing to go for fear they should be seen hanging out with those lesser types. Starting soon there will be a small premium placed on purchases between 12 pm and 2 pm, for the guarantee that none of the local riff raff will be present and polluting the scene. The extra money will be used to purchase cauguamas for them to take else where to consume. 

 Praying for old times

    With the latest wave of local violence and crime a number of folks are reminiscing about the good old days when this stuff never happened. Huh? The truth is this stuff not only happens now but has happened clear back to the beginning of ummm people. Hopes and prayers do absolutely nothing other than to aid people in not doing anything productive in the here and now. We should all expect another round of loud braying for more police. Hopefully not any more arrive. Police don't actually stop crime as much as respond to it. But at least there will be someone new to blame.

Illegal words

   Every day new overly sensitive points roll into town. Anxiously waiting for any verbal slip of the tongue, or the pen, to ferociously leap down the throats of anyone  using these taboo words. It seems the word 'us' has become a statement of racial prejudice rather that the plural possessive pronoun it really only is. And 'them' is clearly a statement of superiority and arrogance rather than the pronoun it is. Is there a fear of pronouns? Are points desperately trying to come to terms with their own questionable social views. Do they have problems with different cultures mixing? Have they got issues with certain parts of speech? Or is it simply some small minded sense of superiority? Describing the culture around us is becoming a dangerous effort. Admitting differences and even celebrating them will soon be a social crime in this town. The mantra of we are all the same detracts from the beautiful differences.

Fruits and nuts wanted

    Concerned gringos have been coming up with suggestions on ways to improve the quality of life here in Lamanz.  A plea to petition for the planting of food and nut trees along the roads in town so the towns hungry can thus harvest them for food to eat.(and quit bugging them?) A worthy suggestion if it weren't for the fact the town is teeming with food and nut trees. Many of which go completely ignored by the so-called starving masses. The sheer tonnage of locally wasted maya nut could feed half of Jalisco Probably a suggestion that would be better received would be the planting of candy and potato chip trees. 

    Another suggestion that has been brought up is to take the funds raised from one of the numerous gringo charitable events (that now seem to occur bi-weekly) and  buy an old flat bed truck. then mount a water tank on the back, so it can be used as a fire truck. Next year money will be raised for sirens and a spotted little dog. You never know when a wild fire will decimate some neighborhood.

    Another was to give the out of work folks gainful employment. Money would be raised to erect a monument in honor the gringo effort that brought Lamanz out of the dark ages. The idea is not only to honor themselves but by keeping people working they may be less inclined to rip them off.

mud slides

 the continuing gringo struggle to gentrify La Mansionilla.

Scene 1. On the patio of Wish Garfield's once luxurious beach front real estate office. Once luxurious, now a hollowed out  hole with a desk, computer and bed. Wish, Gary and Ian are discussing the seriousness of their situation.
Wish - If this economy doesn't turn around soon I'm going to be out on the street without a pot to piss in.
Gary- Why don't you give up this office and save on the rent. You can put that flea ridden bed in a small office too.
Wish- Aah, to get any significant savings I would have to move to some back street and in this cut throat business location is everything.  
Ian- Well, it's no more cut throat than building  houses although i think i may be the last one left. Everyone else has bailed and I haven't so much as dug a hole since I finished that last spec house for Gary, for which I'm still awaiting payment.
Gary- You'll get your money as soon as Wish here sells it. Right now I'm tapped.
Wish- Sure , just put all the blame on my shoulders Somehow people are realizing these spec places are crap
 as well as the whole town. They must be reading that shit crap blog.
Ian- You didn't think they were crap when you were making bundles selling them.
Gary- This is true. That fucking blog site has attacked me too. Saying as a developer I'm also to blame for all the shit construction around here.
Wish- Well very few knew how bad they were until that blog pointed it out. And they're also pointing out other disconcerting facts about this place which is making it look far from the pristine paradise we have tried to create.
Gary- We need to get those fuckers and run them out. My gardener has some nasty cousins who could easily persuade them to close up shop.
Ian- That's all well and good but we need to know who the hell they are first.
wish- It's amazing that a town that thrives on gossip and other peoples business has not discovered who is behind this.

Scene 2.  The kitchen bar of Gary and Denise's luxurious hill side mansion. enjoying the fine view and a glass of morning wine are Denise and her friend Wanda.
Wanda- Boy... that road up here to your house is horrible. It feels like the whole car is going to fall apart driving up here.
Denise- For Christs' sake Wanda quit your wining, that big ass SUV of yours is made for these kinds of roads. That's the problem with you people, you are just so damned spoiled expecting everything to be perfect.
Wanda- I don't like being referred to as 'you people'. I don't know where you Canadians get off thinking you are so superior.
Denise- Get over it, that's the way it is. We are.  Your whole country is turning into a plutocratic police state and you lose more and more freedoms every day.
Wanda- We are still free. Look at all the stores and merchandise we have to choose from.
Denise- Ummm okay then.. I don't want to argue. That is freedom, I'm sure, but speaking of shopping we have more important business to discuss.
Wanda- What could be more important than shopping?
Denise- To have the money to go shopping with. And between the two of us we have over 40,000 pesos to go out and shop, shop shop.
Wanda- 40,000 pesos? Where did we get that?
Denise- Remember a few years back we were the sewer committee and we coerced all those people to pay a pre- installment fee?
Wanda- Oh yes, the sewer. What a mess that turned out to be. I wish i hadn't got involved. I'm still getting heat over that one.
Denise- Well what i got to tell you will make it all worth it
Wanda- How so?
Denise- What do you figure happened to all that money collected? I don't want to shock you but there was nothing official about our sewer committee and the hook up fee was a scam.
Wanda- You mean we stole that money?
Denise- Well, not exactly stole, it's still in the bank, but enough time has passed now that everyone has forgotten about it. Especially with the sewer not functioning worth a damn.
Wanda- So you think we should take the money and go shopping?
Denise- Now you're getting the picture
Wanda- So Guadalajara or P.V.?

Scene 3 Fancy gringo restaurant with outside tables and fancy coffees. At one table sits Annabelle and Wilma
Annabelle- It sure is good to have this place open again. Its been a long summer without a good cup of coffee. The local stuff is bull shit.
Wilma - Its just too bad it takes the migration of all those loud mouthed gringos for it to open.
Annabelle- Now don't go cursing the gringos, they are, after all, your bread and butter. What would you do for cash if you didn't take care of their houses while they are gone?
Wilma- I know, but they sure can be a royal pain in the ass. Why didn't you do that? why didn't you do this? Why didn't you clean the shitter like i said to? And on and on, bitching about all my supposed short comings. Hell, the other night as I'm just settling in  to watch a video, and Ralph and Sophia come barging in, half drunk and deliriously happy to be back, and wanting to party. They never even considered that I may not be into partying or even slightly happy they are back. They stayed for nearly 2 hours, finished the tequila , and then started bitching about how I took such shitty care of their place.

Scene 4 - Carlos and sids Gringo beach bar. Fat Bob is planted at his usual table when Elmore come staggering in.
Elmore- Where the fuck is Carlos? That no good Mexican is never the fuck here. Whats he think, he owns the joint?
Bob- And a fine morning to you Elmore. You do know Carlos is a partner with Sid.
Elmore- Only on fucking paper. Sid just has him around to make it all look legal. shit. And where the fuck is Sid anyways? He should have been here by now.
Bob- Have you ever uttered a sentence without using the word 'fuck'?
Elmore- Not fucking recently.
Bob- Hows things up at the compound? Getting ready for the onslaught?
Elmore- Fuck, I've been busy. Like some one legged man at an ass kicking contest. And, that fuck Buck is moving out. He found some old slut to take for a ride.

to be continued...  in the next world if this one ends on the 21st.

spilled booze, them and mud returns

Seen above is the first of many new signs that will soon be posted to give directions around Lamanz. Within the next few weeks more brightly colored derelict vehicles will be placed about town. So, instead of giving directions based on peoples houses (that few know of, despite claims to superiority) or street names you can now say 'take a left' at the yellow Volkswagen.

New folks coming to town

    It certainly is hard to imagine that here in Mexico, rich influential people can commit crimes that they can't buy their way out of, but it is the case occasionally. Some do end up going to jail for their crimes. Of course, they don't go to the prisons of the hardened unwashed peasants, even though they may have committed murder and other serious crimes. Instead, they go to much more luxurious facilities that are better attuned to their privileged lifestyle. The newest of these facilities is opening right here in Lamanz. Under construction for over a year most folks thought it was just another rich persons 'I'm bigger than you' delusions fueled by the big dollar, or a massive hotel. The truth has now finally been revealed. Above the bull ring  a large palace has gone up. It is, in fact, a rich mans prison. The truth could no longer be hidden with the completion of the surrounding fifteen foot high walls topped with electrified razor wire. The facility can hold up to forty inmates in semi private rooms and cells. It will also provide gourmet meals served in a grand dining area with a spectacular view. There is also an exercise room , a pool, and intimate spaces for conjugal visits. And, of course, satellite TV and Internet. Officials say there is little to no chance of the inmates escaping and terrorizing the town. But just in case it may be a good idea to keep your expensive vehicles well locked.

Welcome back

Welcome to Lamanz sign.  4th dumbest city in holiday land

Welcome back,  {Overplays the title: Welcome back Gringo.}
Your dreams were your ticket out. {Overplays shot of a Melaque bound bus spewing fumes. Various other short clips of La Manzanilla daily life such as dogs shitting on the beach, laundry hanging on rusty barbed wire fencing, and a lone plastic bag whipping about in the breeze, accompany the tune.}

Welcome back,
To that same old place that you laughed about. {overplays the title: Executive producer Dave}
Well the names have all changed since you hung around, {Overplays the title: Co-starring Esquimo Pye}
But those dreams have remained and they're turned around. {Overplays the title: And Juan Egotista, With #%+! as Cabrone.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya {Overplays the title: Mginya-Cracker boy as Florida}

(Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)
Here where we need ya {Overplays the title:Willyjo Bugsass as Horses Ass}

(Here where we need ya) {Overplays the title Luigi as Bruno Luigi}

Yeah we tease him a lot {Overplays the title: Produced by a sad sack of shit.}

cause we've got him on the spot, welcome back,
Welcome back, {Overplays the title: Created by pig-headed arrogance and a sad sack of shit}

welcome back, welcome back. {Overplays the title: Written by two losers from Los Ingenios, and directed by some hippy from BC.}

 The basic premise: George Gringo returns to his La Manzanilla based haunts to teach a whole new generation of social misfits how to be completely ignorant and racist. Known as the drunk pigs they include the self appointed leader Bruno Luigi; Horses Ass, a classic American pompous jerk; Cabrone, a typical gringo piss tank; and nothing-wise Florida, a truly bumbling bone head. This weeks episode: Cabrone finally buys a round.

Crocs get wake up call

    With so many Lamanz residents now owning their own vehicles, the streets are frequently clogged. And with little to no law enforcement of traffic regulations (such as they are) the streets are full of novice and unlicensed drivers in these vehicles. What seems to be a right of passage is to half teach your 10 year old how to drive. A ten minute lesson at best, then sending him off on his own to at least get a case. In many scenarios the kids can't see over the steering wheel, but they do manage to get along as long as you don't get in the way, or near in the way. A few weeks back the inevitable happened because ...well it was inevitable. Two young local drivers met on the street, and as local drivers have done for decades, they stopped in the middle of the street to shoot the shit. Soon after came another bunch of their buddies driving the old mans Ford Nissan Dodge pickup van sedan rust bucket. As will happen the conversation turned to which vehicle was fastest. The poor lone girl wondering why fastest is a good thing. Since it was mid afternoon and the traffic was light they decided to find out. The race was set up on the main drag. One of the non drivers stationed himself at the intersection by the booze kiosk and awaited for a clear moment to flag on the 3 decrepit vehicles that were lined up across the first tope down.The race started with a chirping of tires and no small amount of rusted out metal bits flying off amidst an enormous cloud of smoke. Soon, all 3 vehicles were careening down the street. They quickly lost control and by the time they hit the intersection it was bedlam with vehicles bouncing off each other, the curbs and whatever happened to be in the way. A final nudge to the Dodge pickup sent it hurtling over the curb, flattening the liquor kiosk (gasp!). The other two vehicles were also completely out of control as they skidded, slid and slammed through everything the dealers had set up, between the corner and the croc pit, and finally smashing down the fencing and landing in the lagoon. The sellers and others running away in wild panic. The stunned and dazed kids scrambled out of the vehicles and swam or scampered to safety just before the shocked crocs came after them. They all, of course, ran away. Obviously, with their parents now twisted piles of shit lying in the croc pit, they didn't get away with it for long. Fortunately there were no serious injuries, just startled crocs and a large puddle of booze. Many gringos were brought to tears about the waste. The authorities, as can be expected, aren't doing anything about the traffic infractions, but have stated that some one will be going to jail if the liquor isn't paid for, or reimbursed.

Odd couple

   We are proud to announce the finalists for this years oddest couple of the year award. The winners to get a free night.... apart from each other. First finalist are that large couple from the great lakes area that have brought snipping to such high levels. She reminds of us a tie in a blimp race and his dome reflects so much we are sure it is picked up on satellite. Good luck to you both. The second couple have been together so long that they don't even realize they are a couple. Truly this level of avoidance has not been seen since the queen of England and what's his name. Good luck to you as well. Finally the hippy and the zionist apologist. truly not a more philosophically apposed duo has ever been seen. Good luck to you both and heil Israel (we don't want any local false flag terrorism around here.)  So get your votes in. We are accepting write in ballots as well as we have to admit the pool for this award is massive.The honorable mention list includes 3/4 of the population here.

the fall clean up

    Workers have been busy these last couple of weeks transforming Lamanz from shit hole to illusion of paradise. This is to impress the hordes of returning gringos. Most of the side-streets of the village have been filled and grated. This has turned the once dusty tracks into smooth quick dusty tracks. The end result being faster moving vehicles kicking up more dust. A somewhat premature beach clean up has been underway to clean up the gravel pit of rocks. Unfortunately the sand has not returned in sufficient quantities to make this feasible. All the rocks removed one day are back the next like some bad cat. Leaving a mountain of rocks on the beach from the previous days clean up. The real success story, though, has been the work of the sewer engineers. They have discovered a way to divert the stench water from overflowing all the manholes. Now it only overflows from one or the other, not both. A celebratory party is in the works. Finally giving a reprieve to those folks near one of the stench spewing monsters if only half of the time. One engineer was quoted "its not perfect, but its fifty percent better than it was." 

did we say welcome back?

    The flights now arriving at our local international airport are coming chock full of a throng of seasonal Lamanzanillaites..., their dogs/cats and mountains of excess baggage. Its no wonder they always claim to have no money, when asked to contribute a few pesos to this or that. They have spent it all in getting their animals and other necessary (read useless) shit here.One person who flew down on accumulated miles plus tax said they spent 5 times their own ticket for one for the dog. Plus another uincalculable  amount for the six suitcases. The airline has responded to this increase in ridership by losing luggage, overbooking and bumping excess  luggage that is overloading the plane. It makes for all the merry joyous returning fun seekers not joyous, merry or seeking anything other than lost bags. Most folks go with the flow thinking there is nothing to be done now so lets get a drink. Many bitch and moan and then finally go and get a drink. And then there are the indignant few who just wont or can't let go. They get mean and nasty and take it as a personal affront that their  overweight box was the one that was bumped, just so the airplane could fly safely. Yep, they are coming back, the whole bunch of them. 

New Canadian lingo this year

    Due to a hockey strike up north the chatter amongst Canadians will change this year. Stock phrases that many have struggled to grasp over the years will no longer be in use. A whole new set of strange concepts will descend. No longer will one need to try to figure out an icing, off side, blind pass, butt ending, etc. Unfortunately the new set of phrases will make one sure Canadians speak another language. Hog line, button, house, hurry hard, hack,skip and peel will be part of the new lingo. And just when you may think you are starting to get it, the strike will end and you will be back to the first set. You may well be wishing that the rock in their back ring will freeze in their end.

mud to slide again?

    As many of you may recall...   Hahahahahaha , many. Like 'many' read this. Anyways, as some of you may recall, about 5 years ago a soap opera of sorts called 'as the mud slides' was seen posted on the local message board. It was goebelly censored almost immediately along with subsequent episodes. Its author calling herself john (?) continued to write it, all the while thinking that someday there might be a more favorable venue for it. Alas, it was all lost in last years flood. But just  recently she approached one of us stating that she was wanting to write it again and would we publish it. Uncensored. Bring it on we said. We would be delighted to have the mud slinging down our pages. so, next issue we hope to have the latest episode of 'As the mud slides'- the continuing gringo struggle to gentrify La Mansionilla. Here's an excerpt-


Denise- Remember a few years back we were the sewer committee and we coerced all those people to pay a pre- installment fee?
Wanda- Oh yes, the sewer. What a mess that turned out to be. I wish i hadn't got involved. I'm still getting heat over that one.
Denise- Well what i got to tell you will make it all worth it
Wanda- How so?
Denise- What do you figure happened to all that money collected? I don't want to shock you but there was nothing official about our sewer committee and the hook up fee was a scam.

4 year bitch

   It just seems like yesterday when the latest yank puppet was appointed master amongst the cheers of local gringos. Change change change, the sheep bleated firmly thinking actual change was in the air. How naive can people be? Of course the change political sales pitch was also used by Hitler but few actually read history. Nor read for that matter. The insane high fiving amidst the bleetings left many scratching their heads, but also showed how many ruminants there are around here. Now, after 4 years of change, which to be honest is correct as there is more of the bad shit,  they are doing it again. The great delusion is thrust in our faces once more. Arguments rage about the difference between globalist number 1 and globalist number 2. If they don't just suspend the so called free election, (also known as fixed) because of their pointlessness  their new master will be the latest corporate bitch. Just like the last one. And the one before. Etc. The old saying that if voting could actually change things it would be illegal is still valid. This is, of course, a great opportunity to discover who is a blind ignorant ovis aries. That will include anyone who voted or anyone who thinks things will now be different. It's really that simple.  

stinking stealing. all is normal.

 

World Mental Health Organization erects new signs.



Business stinks

    Several businesses in town have been decimated  due to the results of the seasonal rainfall. For the last decade rains have been sporadic and quite different from what was considered normal in the years before that. In terms of intensity, frequency and amounts. So far this season the most damaging rains have come in two storms, which were intense, dumping many inches on each occasion. Nothing which would have been considered unusual in the decades before. Now the streets of town that are built in arroyos have washed away leaving gaping canyons where cars once traveled. The lagoon has spilled into the sea leaving no access to the road north, and of course the new storm drain/sewer is flowing full time.
    It's these conditions that have been the death blow to several businesses. The restaurants along the north beach road have closed as there is no access for customers. Even those who might consider walking the beach to the restaurant are discouraged by the ankle breaking pile of rocks that have displaced the sand. Most of the affected businesses though have been forced to close because of the effect  of the sewer. At the crocodile viewing end not a single vendor can been found. An area  usually alive with a myriad of vendors selling everything from ice creme to cheap Chinese souvenirs. Even though customers are few this time of year they are always there trying to make a sale. Now every one stays clear of the area due to the atrocious smell, and the grey colored chunky shitty water spewing from the manhole. The vendors had always been consistent, their livelihood counting on it , and they would stoically keep at it if there was even the most remote chance of a sale. But customers or not they have had to give up the ghost, because they simply can't sit around smelling that shit all day. They were falling ill. The taco wagon in the area has also closed down as there is no way to make a taco appetizing when prepared in a cesspool. At the other of town by the jardin, a similar outflow occurs along the south side street. The butcher shop tried to remain open but found that no customers could even see it through their watering eyes, not to mention buying meat that has been permeated by the stench. Reluctantly it closed. The delegado office which sits in the middle of all this, remains open. After all, to close would be admitting that there was a problem. However there is hardly anyone manning the desk, but if so, they have a close peg on their nose. Police presence has all but dried up as well, as their custom was to hang out at the office when in town. They have opted not to come down because there is no way they are going to hang out in a shitty environment..
    The rainy season could last for another month or more and the storm drain/sewer will flow for several months past that. Even though the lagoon will eventually break through to the sea, either naturally or illegally, it will still be several months before the north road becomes passable. So it's easy to see that the effected businesses will be in for some serious difficult times.

Summer time activities for the bored

    Within the gringo population here, there are many seasonal folks and a few that stick it out all year round. The seasonal folks all seem to be dumb founded as to how anyone could stay here all year round. They ask the two questions -how can you stand the heat and don't you get bored? Of course it's hot, it's summer. But it's summer up north too and thanks to changing climates it appears temperatures and humidity up there surpass down here. As for being bored, there are lots of things to do before boredom sets in and retiring to the hammock to read a book is called for. 

    Many full timers are accosted by part timers to take care of their affairs down here while they are away. Though usually a major pain in the ass it could not be called boring. They give you a large list of things to be done and a small pile of pesos in which to do it. Then it's see you next season and adios. And no thanks when they return. The most notable example of this is the Tom Sawyer bar where every year the proprietor stuffs his pockets with all the loot before he leaves and gets some chump to be in charge during his absence. In this case there is no list or pesos, just do it, it's fun. Another person suffered a mental breakdown in trying to sort out the mess left behind by one seasonal flake who won't even answer emails. The instruction list said that the rent has been paid for September but the landlord said no, and wants his money.  Of course there is none for this purpose. Along with all the myriad of other problems that has arisen it was too much and the caretaker went off the deep end. 

    Another activity that keeps the world turning everywhere, and here as well is gossip. During this season when the gringos are few, much of the gossip has to be made up (ahem) and it will cross the line into the Mexican sector where it is prolific. Such as 'who is the priest fucking this week?'

    Not to be forgotten are the brilliant conversations carried on around the copious consumption of alcohol. One such conversation that took place not long ago was who amongst the gringos coming down to Lamanz could be considered a normal individual? After much bickering and beers it became apparent that amongst the alcoholics, drug abusers, bull shitters, bubble heads, pedophiles, wanted felons, liars, con men, porn freaks, wanna be artists, cry babies, sluts, and general all around flakes, there was no one person that could be tagged as normal. This however is a misnomer.  When each of these twisted folks who would not be considered normal from where they hail from, accumulate down here, the entire bunch of misfits becomes  the norm. So it could well be said that every one here is normal. So what do you do back home for excitement? Nothing compared to the nonsense of every day life here.

Fall cleaning

     With the ridiculous rash of  home burglaries the last few weeks. (at least 20)  many gringo dream home shells will await numerous part timers when they return. Many have been looted to the point of the ridiculous. But with a little rewiring and re-plumbing it's good for another year. Oh yes, and some furnishings. Okay, in many cases, all the furnishings. On the good side there is no need to fumble for your keys, when you have no door. Numerous full time folks are already pissed off as the burglaries are not only at empty houses but occupied ones as well. The biggest excuse for not catching them is 'we were sleeping.' Which, unfortunately, is pretty valid this time of year. Gringo, Mexican. there is no bias in the thefts. Property management businesses are shitting themselves as any claims to supposedly "watching" homes is now obviously a pile of baloney. Although we assumed it always was. Get used to it, for it will only increase. As will the blame game. The popular 'its out of town people who are responsible' line will be put forth, again. Clearly a denial of reality but ever the reliable one.

La Manzanilla Syndrome

    La Manzanilla Syndrome a.k.a 'loser bonding' has finally been accepted into the DSM4. Thanks to the ground breaking work of too many dumb ass gringos to even contemplate, the world now knows of our little burg. It refers to a variety of psychological symptoms that occur when tourists (full or part time) bond with each other in some kind of fantasy life where their ignorant behaviors are seen by them as healthy. Regression is a hallmark of the syndrome, as is identifying with an aggressor. The phrase 'its Mexico we can do what we want' is a sure sign of a sufferer. It has been theorized to be essentially a pattern of coping with the increasing fascism in northern countries. . Apparently drug therapy has no effect other to increase it. Psychotherapy has also been a catalyst.  Racism and arrogance are simply two aspects to it. So, when someone calls you a racist self centered prick, go the victim route and tell them you're sick.

Life as a rerun

Come and knock on our door.....
We've been waiting for you......
Where the drinks are hers and hers and his,
Three's company too.
{Short clip of a drunk Yack (Yim Ripperyouoff) biking along and then falling after hitting a pot hole. He proudly holds up the beer in his hand to show he didn't drop it. Title; Starring Yim Ripperyouoff}

Come pass out on our floor......
Take a step in dog poo.....
{Accompanying clip of a tipsy Yanet spewing some bile out the window and right onto Chrissys' face. Titles; Joyce Thetwit, Suzanne Fatass.}
We know a loveable sot that needs your pot,
Three's company too.
{Accompanying title; And starring as the Gropers. 'Jewyou Down' and 'Coke Youup'}

You'll see that life is a dogs' shit and dengue is calling for you......
Down at our rendez-vous,
Three's company, too!!!!!!
{Accompanying clip of Coke Youup drooling over some unseen dog in heat and then of the 3 friends loudly cavorting down the street.}


The misadventures of three room mates who consistently have enormous misunderstandings about each other. Instead of communicating they always talk behind the others backs and hatch insane plans based on their misunderstandings.  This weeks episode: Chrissy and Mr. Youup (who has been tricked into thinking Yack is fixed) mistakenly eats some brownies Yack made for the horseshoe tournament. Mr. Youup thinks she's a dog in heat and hilarity results.
    Next time, tune in for another old fall show.

Baseball

    The first season has come to an end. Weekly there had been anywhere from a dozen to 30 kids showing up.  The Tigers and Dolphins have put on a good show each week, or at least an amusing one.The Dolphins looked the stronger team at the beginning but the Tigers have shown to be equally as good. Also, better or worse depending on how you look at it. From an early game error total in the hundreds it has drastically dropped to a mere 20 or so. Some have been enormous eye rollers. The play of the year undoubtedly, was the game saving catch and throw from one of the smallest kids on the Tigers. (Ullyses) What made it so unusual was the line drive went off a stray dog crossing the field and straight into the little guys mitt. He then heaved it wildly with all his might and it almost magically went directly to the second baseman, a staggering twenty feet away, who routinely made the final out. Also witnessed were numerous rare triple plays, and an even rarer four home run game by one player.(Octavio)  A final year end family day occurred and the equipment has been stored away until next season. Predictions:  The kids will of course simply enjoy themselves. Local folks will continue to stroll through the infield oblivious to the fact a potentially dangerous projectile may be heading towards their head. An always exciting  pedestrian injury may well occur. Expansion has been brought in to deal with the numbers of kids involved and their age gaps (though we had it on the list) A bunch of old white folks will take the moment to relive past glories. Made all the better by years of rehearsing. Of course, some will take it all too seriously. Others will take too many pictures. The ice creme guy will become a regular while cursing the distance from the departure point by the highway. There will be more arguing of the play calls, led of course by the adults. Kids will play shoeless and white folks will make culturally biased remarks.There will be horse shit in the infield.

Warning!!!

    A few months back we issued a warning for all men to keep their dick in their pants and to be aware of a blood sucking wench, who given half a chance would fleece you for everything you had. The warning is in effect again but this time it's a red level double warning. She brought her sister. Between the two of them they have come up with some new tactics to separate you from your dinero.Iif you happen to be unfortunate or stupid enough to get tangled up in their web you may be in for a ride that is far more than just getting your pocket picked. They seen to be in cahoots with a shady lawyer (aren't they all?) and are filing demandas against their marks. This has caused all kinds of grief with court appearances and a likely need to hire a lawyer all resulting in the emptying of your wallet. So beware there are now two reasons to keep it in your pants.

Dedication

    To Kim, one of the great muses.   

Gypsies soldiers censorship

                                       

                          

                Early summer showers have refreshed La Manzanilla.

Gypsy world

    It started not to long ago when a band of roaming gypsies set up camp at the edge of town. No one at first gave much thought about it or much less had a clue to what this group was to evolve into. Since no one was molesting them and they were maintaining a low profile their numbers began to expand and the size of their encampment began to grow. Today, hidden in the jungle are numerous tents, trailers, vans, and even a few brick shanties, not too mention several pieces of antique road working machinery and a population of people equal to a small village. To the casual observer it still looks like a small group of gypsies sitting about drinking, smoking, and telling a few fortunes. At night of course they are out robbing houses. A few outsiders who have ventured in to have their fortunes told have all been amazed at the accuracy. Each one was told misfortune would become them and each one had their house robbed shortly after. Coincidence.....possibly? True sages, yes. They are very adapt at their house robbing endeavors never leaving a clue that could trace back to them. They always go for just cash, and have the uncanny ability of finding it without ransacking the place. They are very stealthy as well, often making their haul while both the house owner and their dog sleeps. Behind the scenes, however, lies the real heart of their operation where they pose as legitimate business people and go about making deals which usually leaves someone short changed. They pose as contractors and with their lot of old machinery and old shovels (have you checked your bodega lately to see if anyone has nicked your shovel?) have gone about finding jobs all over town. They scored big when they were given the contract to repave the access road. who knows if anyone checked to see what material they used. they are also presently in negotiations with the town to rebuild the sewer system (in its present condition it would be hard to fuck it up any worse.) Another very interesting sideline they have is giving people new faces. Using old handed down time worn gypsy methods, they are quite adapt at turning your tired old gringo looking face to a rejuvenated youthful appearance. Don't ask how they do it or for that matter how long it lasts but several of the new faces walking about town are the products of their doing. Their customers are all happy, they look young again and at the fraction of the price of a traditional face lift.  (it's too bad that along with the new face they couldn't give these old bats a new attitude as well.) It appears the gypsies are here to stay and with squatters rights they may soon incorporate their village, thus opening the way for more to move in. Soon, LaManz may have its own theme park called gypsy world. 

Gigolos needed

    It has recently been noted that the gringo over 60 set (are their any others?) is very unbalanced with the numbers of single women in comparison to eligible men. These women have their needs and are not getting any satisfaction... come on guys what is the problem? Not all these women are ugly wrinkled and double chinned (see above article) and some still sport slim figures too. All do have their own houses, some palatial, nice vehicles, and all the shit that north Americans need to live comfortably. they just need a man in their life, to keep them serviced and to look good on their arms for all of Lamanzanillas can't miss to be seen social events. So whats up? this should be a paradise for any half assed gigolo, these women are desperate. Maybe ads in out of town newspapers could be the answer.

 silently shooting your mouth off

     Loud mouth local goes off on church bells and fireworks on the local message board. Goebels disappears the comment and accuses the poor fool of being an ass. Thus making 2 asses. Thought control rears its ugly head again. Clearly only certain views and methods of stating them will be accepted.  The fact that numerous previous rants were tolerated may be only a result of who voiced them. There must be a special licence one gets . Rest assured we don't censor dumb ass comments, and we've had a few. Some have even posited that this is all dumb ass shit. Actually that was us.

Is it paradise, or an army camp?

    One of the newer resorts along the beach looks like an army camp occupied by soldiers whose job it is is to keep the residents under virtual house arrest. The few unfortunate folks who were dumb enough to buy a condo at this place find themselves prisoners in their own homes. Caught up in the typical classic Mexican condo scam, they find them selves owing lots of money in bad debts which they the owners are now stuck with. The creditors who want their money have called in the aid of the army to help sway the residents to pay up. No, they are not being intimidated at gun point like one would assume, but they are being banned by armed sentries from using any of the resorts amenities including the pool (which is now a beautiful green color) tennis courts, and they have even had their beach access blocked. Welcome to the world of Mexican condo living, and like P.T. Barnum said 'there's a sucker born every minute'  

 points and sociopaths

See November2 post for info on points.

A deceitfulness, and superficial charm permeates the point. Smiling broadly while knifing you in the back. Their complete lack of empathy is quite often staggering. Unless it's directly connected to them there is no real concern for others.. The sociopath is...well...the same.

The points seem to truly believe they are the greatest things ever to walk the earth, loudly proclaiming their self importance. They make grandiose claims and tell of spectacular deeds, and yet are never seen doing anything productive or spectacular. They have known everybody for years and are responsible for any and all success.  The sociopath is... well... the same.

The point fucks anything they can find. Local botaneros do a rocking business during the season. Apparently all points believe they have the biggest tits or the longest dicks and quite often screw for days on end with numerous partners. All of which are of course the most beautiful people to ever walk the earth. Or so they say.  The sociopath is .... well... the same.

The points behavior can't be predicted. Any moment can bring on wild actions. Promises are always broken at the crack of a beer or the passing of a moment. Excuses abound and numerous others are blamed. Obligations and commitments are routinely broken. The sociopath is......well... the same.

Points tend to wild raging and abuse, often mixed with some tiny bit of decency. This creates confusion in normal people as they can't really label them as the complete  arse holes that they are. This also tends to create a cycle of raging abuse and feigned decency. The sociopath is.... well you get the point.

Points like to live high. Like on a hill so they can overlook their minions and possibly to see the rampaging hordes who have finally discovered the truth, before they actually attack and burn them out. As Swift said ' 
i cannot but conclude the bulk of your natives (or points for the purposes of this bit) to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermon that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the face of the earth.'

The space

Brownies and bridge

    The last duplicate bridge game of the season was held a short while back at Martins', as usual. Nothing else was usual about the event. One player brought a plate of brownies that was given to her by a neighbor. They were well received initially by most of the participants, who ate one or two before play began. No one suspected that the brownies had been liberally laced with marijuana. As play proceeded, arguments erupted and several partners almost came to blows, as one bone-head bid or play was made after another. The serious straight laced players and the stodgy director all who didn't eat any brownies were beside themselves at the deterioration of play. The rest of the players were enjoying themselves immensely, although most had become unaware of what they were doing. At one table a bid of eight no trump was bid, and made. (an impossible feat). This caused the director to go ape-shit and cancel the whole game. Most players didn't give a shit that the game was over and proceeded to order rounds of margaritas and enjoyed the rest of the afternoon.

Locals and gringos

    The gringo has piles of stuff. The locals have stuff in piles. The gringo sits on their patio watching the sunset, the local cleans the patio. The gringo has a suv, 3 bikes a quad and ample parking. The local  piles the whole clan on one vehicle. When faced with an issue the gringo whines and complains to officials, the local deals with it. The gringo spends money in gringo establishments. the local is rarely given service (or is giving it.) The gringo buys, the local sells .(the gringo consumes , the local produces) Gringos sweep the dirt off the floor, locals sweep the dirt floor. Clearly a joke, gringos don't sweep. Gringos act weird and smell funny. Locals smell weird and act funny. The gringo has nice pretty clean manicured yards to look at. The locals use their yard. The gringo puts on some quiet music, all locals quiet music is when the volume is at 9.

Stupid? Don't worry

    Finally after years of study the Mexican government is  ready to implement a nation wide program to deal with the ignorance of tourists here. No longer will the tourist need to find a safe place for their brain while in the country. Statistics for the year 2009 show that over 74% of tourists lose their brain while in the country resulting in unbelievably ignorant behaviours. Due to their remarkably small size most are never recovered as they tend to look like dried up dog shits on the side of the road. In most cases the loss isn't even noticed for years, if ever. So, starting this October all points of entry into Mexico will have brain claim areas (BCAs). Tourists will simply leave their brain at the entrance point and recover them when they leave. This at first was thought to be a monumental task with the sheer numbers of tourists visiting each year, but brain scan technology has shown the tourist brain to be only a fraction of the size of a normal brain. Really the equivalent of a gerbils. Thus questions about storage space has been solved. Manzanillo airport for example will simply have a small kiosk. Tourists will be required to fill out some forms and provide a self addressed stamped envelope in case they forget to pick up the item upon departure. this cost will be minimal as most tourists' brains can easily slip into a standard envelope and do not weigh more than a couple of grams. Tourists will be given cards to carry with them in case of difficulties. although the exact wording has yet to be decided it will be something like "i am a tourist, my brain is at such and such airport. Concerns about a black market rent-a-brain system growing has been allayed since no tourist ever has tried to get one.

Reduce Reuse Recycle

    Man found in garbage dump recycled and reused in Lamanz. Why would any one throw away a perfectly good human thought the garbage truck guys. Sure he's gringo but clearly still capable of movement and speech. This event caps a week of finding humans in local dumps, though this is the only one that managed to get out alive. After a good scrubbing and some clean clothes the project seems to be functioning fine. And after interviewing him it is clear this guy is one of the wisest people to come along in decades. He has obtained gainful employment and has yet to make a "point" of himself. It's good to see the community going green.

The sky is falling, the sky is falling!

    The day after two small but discernible tremors, the towns latest wanna be clown tried his hand at playing chicken little. Cruising the town telling everyone that would listen to him that there would be a mega quake that day and that he actually knew the magnitude. Needless to say his abilities as a would be seer is in inverse proportion to his abilities as a clown.  

Fred's Angels. The Boca connection: episode one, intro.

   "Once upon a time there were 3 little girls who went to La Manzanilla."

Background theme music: na nana na na na na nana.

Imagine the angels sitting in the local gringo bar, working out (at least with one arm), and stumbling out at last call.


    "And they were each assigned various hazardous duties."

Imagine the Angels sweeping the street, watering the street and finally passed out in the street.


    "But i took them away from all that   and my name is Fred."

More musical background. The smart one speeds along on a motorcycle with a bottle in her hand. The blonde shakes her hair, runs, shakes her hair and plays tennis. (though poorly as its hard to hold a beer and play tennis.) The brunette runs, shakes her hair, shakes her hair and puts on a hat. Boozely  offers up a box (likely of funny brownies) and sucks up for a feel.

The Angels are all posing around Boozelys office. Or hung over and sprawled out.

Fred: (on the phone) Good morning Angels.
The smart one: Good morning Fred.
Fred: This Mexican plated motorcycle (Boozely clicks on image) went off the road to Boca. (Boozely clicks on image) Our client wants to find both the motorcycle and the stash.(another image) Your assignment is to locate the driver and find out where the bike may be. And if there is in fact any stash left.
The blonde one: Will we see you in Boca Fred?
Fred: Not fuckin' likely I live on the hill. In fact right now I'm watching the beautiful scenery (cut to overweight puta removing clothes)
The brunette: So, what are we to do?
Boozely: Okay, Jill, you are to go undercover as a snobby American looking for a place to rent.
The blonde one: I think I can do that.
Boozely: Yes, its not really a stretch. Now, Kelly, you go undercover as a drunken Canadian who needs a fix.
The brunette one: That should be easy.
Boozely: As you are.
The brunette one: Excuse me?
Boozely: Er, here drink this.
The brunette one: Oh thank you Boozely. Now what was i saying?
The other two: What about us?
Boozely: Okay okay. (passes the bottle to them). And Sabrina, you go undercover as a smart assed Quebecer wanting a lot for nothing.
The smart one: A Quebecer?
Boozely: Yes, there from Canada but they think they know EVERYTHING, like an American. They also speak a kind of french, and drink wine copiously.
The smart one: I can do that.
Boozely: I know, its kind of type casting. Okay, Kelly here's the number of a cab. Jill, you just demand a ride from some Mexican and Sabrina, you drive the motor home. Now, get out there Angels!
The smart one: Why are we always going undercover?
Boozely: Obviously you haven't seen a mirror in some time.
The Angels smile and nod in agreement.


cut to commercial.

 Jose armario?

    One of the big double cheeses of a huge restaurant chain was recently seen scouting out property close by the hiway exit to Lamanz. Jose's parents have lived in Villa Obregon for years so he personally has an attachment to the area. The parents were already announcing the cleaning contract. Details on the plans are sketchy at this point but a RV and water park are in the talks. Apparently the schedule for opening will be the tourist season only. The rest of the year it will be empty until the local 'maintenance ' guys show up a week before the opening. When asked about details, Jose claimed to be  Armando Joasario and not Jose Armario. A  stylized M tattoo was supposedly spotted on his ankle later that night on the beach, but this is unsubstantiated at this time.

Budless

    Well Bud came and went. In about an hour. (just like the beer) The locals and the remnants of the tourist trade were all  prepared this time, especially after last years debacle. The residents of Boca had all belongings raised at least four feet off the ground. The river bed was dug out and fortified. All items that could be washed away were tied down. The fishing boats were all parked down town. The alerts scared folks silly, many fled. The loud speaker in the jardin warned those within two blocks of the coming catastrophic hurricane. In the end about two inches of rain fell, which is good as we at least don't have to listen to nobs tossing accolades to goebbels.

Fears and corruption

    With the need for a view and ocean view lots being so expensive, one new resident has had to settle for what is believed to be the next best thing - a view of the houses with a view. Meanwhile, those with the bucks, enjoy the panoramic scene from their bath tub.

Truth about street paving

    For over two years now the final payment for the adoquien that surrounds the jardin has not been paid. Figuring the job as done and somewhat set in stone, the town fathers decided to hold back on the last payment and split it up amongst themselves. Constant notices demanding payment were ignored. Then, one day a while back, the jilted company came to town with a work crew and started removing the bricks. To say the least this did not go unnoticed by the welching party. What to do about it was now a real problem. As more and more bricks were removed and stacked for repossession, the pressure from the towns people was mounting and those in charge realized they had to do something fast, or face being tarred and feathered (again). It was reluctantly settled that each participant would have to give money back, and the rest would have to come from lifting it from other projects. (As per normal) The money was raised and paid and the repossession process was halted. Yet, not before half the bricks in question had been removed. Now faced with the expense of replacing the whole mess, the question became 'where does this money come from?  The project has been finished but the money that was borrowed needs to be repaid. The town fathers have come up with an idea that hopefully will do the job. Be immortalized in the streets of La Manzanilla! For a minimum of 200 pesos you can sign your name in indelible ink on your own individual brick. Be remembered forever or as long as the street is kept clean.

 Speed in lamanz.

    With the mosquito spraying in full swing, the job of driving the spray truck at a snails pace around town became so boring the driver quit. His replacement it turns out is an ex-grand prix race driver who doesn't believe in slow. He has finished the circuit around town in record time maneuvering through the streets like he was on the course at Monte Carlo. Not only is this dangerous for anyone who gets in his path, i'ts not very effective in eradicating the mosquitoes either. At the speed he travels, the spray all ends up trailing behind the truck which makes the the middle of the street the only place in town free of mosquitoes . Block parties may be making a comeback.

Help!!!! Police

    Well you get what you ask for. After months of beseeching, pleading, and whining for more police presence,  they arrive.  Despite the fact that the examples of corruption are too numerous to detail  gringos are ecstatic that their plastic shit will now have added protection. Then, after a ridiculous amount of pointless (though money making) helmet and seat belt tickets are weilded out, the force (which isn't with us) turns to abusing the public. Numerous beatings on drunken folks have been reported. The hell with them though, thank god they are here protecting us. One unfortunate  gal was recently "protected" by one of these members. On the main drag, the police members member was whipped out and her head was grabbed in an apparent attempt to get the two together.  Is this the cost for protecting our plastic?   My plastic is safer but my daughter might get assaulted and i may be beaten. Curious tradeoff.

No popularity contest winner

    A beach side restaurant owner was recently accosted in her own restaurant and pelted with her own eggs. The restaurant was subsequently vandalized. The perpetrators are believed to be pissed off clients. But being that there is so many of them it was hard to determine who was actually behind the attack. Some possibilities may be the folks who ate and drank beneath her umbrellas on the beach and the were ripped new ass holes by her for trying to push their bicycles through the restaurant and onto the street. Another was a shoving match that evolved when she approached a client who was talking to friends and not very diplomatically told them that if they all didn't buy something they would all have to leave. These are only a couple of the many incidences that have marred peoples visit to the restaurant. When asked for a comment she said "Get out of my restaurant or i will kill you."

Fear and loathing during Semana Santa

   
    Semana Santa is over for another season and the town is dead. No more vacationing Mexicans and no more gringos (yippee). Most gringos left before the start of the festivities with their tails firmly tucked between their legs, scared shit-less at what their paradise would be like full of Mexicans. They went north to their homes, where the weather in ,most locations is still crappy, and where they do not want to be so soon. But at least free of the hordes of rowdy Mexicans.  Most have never experienced semana santa but believe all the horror stories.  Which can be the case in big well known resorts, but not near as bad here.  Still, just the mention of Semana Santa send them into a panic. Wait until next year when they will have to return north even earlier if Semana Santa arrives in March. 

    What did you miss to justify sitting st home, cold dark and miserable? Two weeks of vacationing Mexicans. Mostly all families having fun at the beach, which pretty much sums it up. The three days before Easter were crowded and there was a little more noise from the disco that was set up for the occasion. Yet nothing even remotely as crazy as the days of rodeo. The rest of the time there was barely more people here than those that come for a three day weekend. They were all on the beach with only hand-fulls venturing into the carnival in the jardin at night. The town, which now seems to have its shit together for this event, did a commendable job of keeping the garbage in check and the traffic flowing. With the bonus of no helmet/registration tickets. This cut way back on the amount of motor scooters and atvs terrorizing the streets. The only flaw, and you from the west coast know all about it, was the temperatures were chilly. Cool enough so that there was no bitching about how hot it was but plenty of bitching from the locals about how cold it was. The vacationers seemed unfazed and just had a good time. The only major result of the two weeks is that those gringos that stuck it out are now sporting nice tans. Usually, they stay out of the sun all season long (concerns about melting we guess) but because of the cold temperatures were forced to go out to stay warm. 

dog doo orwell

'Mr. Jones, of Manor Farm,had locked the hen houses for the night, but was too drunk to remember to shut the popholes.'

   Is Napoleon always right? After years of pathetic weaseliness the gangling mutt finally asserted itself. People were,quite frankly, stunned. (of course, they were probably half way there anyways.) The shockingly  liberated beasts  owner ( caretaker) is subsequently  accosted by gringos who clearly have forgotten where they are. And quite possibly what they are. 'day and night we are watching over your welfare.' Like revolting peasants in some old Frankenstein movie, they charge up to her castle (casa) demanding the head of the poor beast. Claiming a knowledge of dogs via the tried and true science of anthropomorphism, they chant that it is a killer and must be chained or die. 'no animal shall kill any other animal' ' The only missing piece may have been burning torches. Although, no deaths have actually occurred, and the dog is merely doing its normal dog life as it should, 'and not for a pack of lying thieving human beings'  a clamouring madness ensued. The said gringa was accosted by numerous confused idiotic gringos ....'Animal Hero, First Class.' with spectacularly skewed concepts of reality. Strangely, these actions are similar to ....um.............. a pack of dogs. Not satisfied with nut cutting, the doggy doo-gooders want blood. 'man is the only real enemy we have.'   Normal mutt behaviour is frowned upon . "all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others" . There is chatter about a chain/leash and muzzle requirement from those in the fairy tale disneyworld where dogs act like people, and ..... people like dogs.

 "...but already it was impossible to say which was which."

last issues comments

-it and the mutt are still here,what gives?????

-episode 24?

-would have loved to see that golf tourney, especially the cart race and the outstanding ending. Surprised the brownies didn;t kick in for EVERYONE playing and not just for the Melaqueites, as brownies appear to always be the favorite snack of choice around these parts. I think there should be a repeat performance next season for sure!

As far as the shitty smell that is in the approximate location of the croc lagoon--everyone knows that's just the smell of rotting coco's. At least that is the story told by natives to the area. Maybe everyone has underestimated the powers in charge of the La Manz sewer's. It is all about recycling right? Coco's. Caca. Similar exterior colors; similar exterior textures; both can be solid or fluid. The same shit and no one realizes it?

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaa

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Sports, sewers, no cash

Golfing news

    Last week saw the playing of the first and last annual non-golfers mixed golf tournament. The event took place at the santiago golf course under perfect weather conditions. Teams of four representing Barra Melaque and Lamanz made up the field. Things got tense right off the bat when Barra called foul because they got 2 pitching wedges in the drawing to see which team got which clubs from the two rented bags. People from Lamanz then cried foul because none of them knew what a pitching wedge was, and assumed that Barra must have ringers amongst their team to know that two piching wedges was not a good draw. The referee settled the argument by allowing the teams to trade. The referee, divot replacers and of course the two driving the beer cart were courtesy of Bar de Gus. Their presence was good for moral support for the soon worn out non-golfers, not to mention that their presence livened up the scenery. The female participants viewed the presence of Bar de Gus girls as sexist and threatened to walk off the course. Fortunately, margaritas from the beverage cart chilled the situation and play was ready to begin. With tthe arrival of 3 buckets of balls (per team) the great event got under way. There was lots of swinging and missing, balls going off in all directions, with one unlucky fellow hitting the ball directly into his own eye. As things moved along the non-golfers settled into the groove and were mostly moving forward towards the greens. The club pro said that the Lamanz team had just set a new course record for the longest amount of time for a foursome to finish one hole. Fortunately the service from the bar cart was prompt and friendly. The match had a couple of spectacular shots, relatively speaking, and lots more that were shit, but the non-golfers endured. The team from Melaque dropped out on the 4th hole when their brownies took effect. The team from Lamanz lost over half their alotment of balls on the hole with the pond, and thus ran out before finishing. They were disqualified. All team Barra had to do was finish to take the honors. The bored crew filming the event decided to have a golf cart race between the eliminated teams so they could get a little action. And what action they got. A spectacular crash with both carts landing in the water. There were no injuries and the management saw fit to throw everyone off the course leaving team Barra unable to finish. The referee called the match a draw. The divot replacement girls had to be resussicated countless times, and the girls delivering the beer were called the winners. In the statistics, the least amount of shots for one hole was eight for Melaque, a par 3 of course. With the most going to Lamanz with 27. It was all fun and if you missed it, you missed it, This tournament will never be held again, although videos are available for 250 pesos.

Bocci ball news

    A scheduled championship match on the beach had to be cancelled when half the participants opted to watch curling on the tv instead. Alberta won, making most wish they had played bocci.

Sailing news

    The second annual sailboat regatta was held Saturday past and many eager spectators flocked to the beach. All were seriously disappointed when they found out this was not like last years one. There was no free beer, no free food, and no girls in bikinis, as there was no sponsor. A hand full of boats participated in the race but there was no audience as they all went home in disgust or some place where they had to pay for beer. One disappointed would-be spectator said 'watching a sail boat race is like watching paint dry. Without the onshore activities to keep it interesting ... who gives a shit'. As for the race itself the boats spaced themselves out so as no two were so much as even close to each other, and they followed each other around the course. It truly was about as exciting as watching paint dry.

Pan handling gringos

    Melaque in the past weeks has been full of down and out gringos who were finding themselves without enough cash to buy a beer. One Lamanz resident was forced to shine shoes (with his shirt) to get bus fare back. The reason, new cash machines at the bank. Two lines were formed in front of the bank, one to see if the cash machine gods were going to be good and the other of pan handling gringos with their hands out to those who had been shined apon. The problems with the new ATM is a fine example of technology turning around and biting you on the ass.

Watch those holes

    For the past few weeks an out of town crew have been pumping and vacuuming the sewer lines. The purpose of this exercise is not known but it does give the impression that something is being done to improve the system. Come summer when the rains come the system will automatically be flushed clean. Meanwhile Lamanz residents are being treated to a trail of broken manhole covers, following the crews progress. Beware if you ride a bike or motorcycle as some of these spots could be lethal.

It keeps coming

    Water is periodically seeping from the manhole by the mangroves. Probably when the pump is shut off in order to keep the electricity bill down. Although it is only a small amount, not even enough to flow all the way into the lagoon, it sits in puddles on the street until it evaporates. Making the crocodile viewing site smell like shit.

esquimo pye and ... episode 23

     Apparently the great chicken dog guide had again appeared to the Pye. Claiming a misunderstanding the guide chicken thing explained the concept was to harrass annually, and not to weasel a restauranteer into harboring the mutt. Clearly an understandable error.

     After 10 months of rehab and a slow return to relative normal, the dog (already once saved) was again being shopped around (in order to ...er well save it). With a working knowledge of a dog not seen in a year we were informed of how good it is and it only needs food and shelter when its not roaming the streets. Amazingly, the Pye came up with what really is an ingenious method to move the dog. Threaten to not leave town until it has a safe home. Well it worked, someone caved to save us all. Thank you great chicken dog guide mutt thing. And thanks to the some one.

Last issues comments

none

politics, arts, music, bull, and excuses

All methods are being tried in an attempt to get the sewer functioning.

Around town

     The now annual art walk spilled into the streets of Lamanz a short while back, and was well attended by participants and spectators. Folks from town, and surrounding towns, filled the streets admiring or ridiculing the creations on display. When all was over most had kept their wallets in their pockets (surprise, surprise) and the artists lugged their shit back home.

     La Huerta and representatives of the federal government held a meeting in the ejido office a few weeks back, concerning the "fixing" of our dysfunctional sewer system. Allegedly the feds were going to foot the bill if 80% of the property owners in town signed a petition in favor of it. Unfortunately, the individual who records the announcements had a sore throat so the recording didn't get made in a timely manner. The announcement was finally delivered 2 hours before the start of the meeting, and thus was only attended by 100 people. ( who, for what it was worth, were 100% in favor of fixing the stinky situation.) However, the feds not getting their desired number of signatures, felt that no one here gave a shit and went home. although that is the problem. Our sewer woes continue. So expect another 15 stories from the sewer editor.

     Who's band is it? When a local restaurant hired an area band for the night, the owner of another restaurant where the band regularly plays came un-glued. It seems the unglued believed exclusive rights over their actions. Despite the fact that the band plays to make a living and takes jobs when and where they can get them (like all bands) but supposedly not in Lamanz. A comment from one band member was "We're hired twice a month, they take half the tips, and what makes them feel that they own us?"

rodeo.

     New lame shirts seen everywhere on folks not usually associated with something as back woods as a rodeo, but never the less needing to be seen so out they come. The cowboy gear is dragged out again, still sporting last years tequilla and 'beeria' stains. The boots, the hats, and all the associated attire, sponged off for one afternoon, to 'thank' our mexican friends. (once again) 'Come to our party.' Of course they don't come to their party the following day because ... hey its superbowl. As for this next two day party ( hey... its mexico), the litany of excuses has been well rehearsed over the years. ('i didnt know, there was a rodeo, i thought it was saturday. is there a holiday or something? , why isnt anyone working? we had to go to the bank and then it wasnt open!!!bla bla bla) This doesnt include those that simply left for the weekend. As each days attendance got larger the gringo portion shrunk, a blessing really. Of course the classic complaint was hauled out as well. Its too loud its too dusty. Apparently the difference between a rockin' party and too loud and dusty one is where it happens. A party at the casino or rodeo grounds is loud and dusty, one at a gringo establishment is a rockin bash. Since we want participation, insert your own snide comment here.

     At the rodeo itself, save the pure tourists, only a handfull gringo types were on handto witness the mtv rock satyr (oops, star) and his entourage arrive in a couple of fancy vans and waltz the grounds. The entourage exceeded 20. These hanger ons' group status seemed to be connected to how many electronic devices they wore. Later the poor bastard in the 'carry the girl on the shoulders race' with the rather hefty female rider was truly amusing although he may never walk the same again. The race concluded with the beauty queens' mount stumbling and falling forward causing the rider to face plant in the (ahem) patty was a moment to be cherished forever.

...its mexico

     Four gringos were walking down the middle of the street when another drove up behind them and yelled at them to get out of the way. They responded that they dont have to because ...its mexico and the mexicans don't care. The driver yelled back "yeah, and they don't care if i run you over either."

House review of the month

     This months house lies in an airless, viewless hollow. Built by one of 'the notorious three' as a spec house. After being owned for less than two years it is up for sale...again. The house is well suited for the mountain climber in you as stairs abound. Inside, the place reflects the builders style with the clasic small cramped rooms. The two second floor bedrooms are about the size of a closet. Really, just closets with bathrooms. There is a third floor covered porch (of course) with a view of a barrio of similar structures. It has an excellent perch for a high dive platform into the neighbors pool. The house is built into the unstable hill side with its own pool in front - the water being held back with what might at first appear to be a stable wall. As usual with all Lamanz properties the asking price is clearly double of what it is worth.

last issue comments

    you forgot to add the comparison of the surly year-rounder to your "part-timers / tourists" segment. You know, the ones who "hate all the above and g.damn proud of it, and why the hell are you in my town anyway?"
You know, the ones with the mentality that "I was here first, you come here with your idealistic dreams (just like I did many years ago), try to change the world (I found out I couldn't so I drank instead) and then complain (just like me, but I'm entitled because I live here)".
I am VERY disappointed you failed to be non-partisan and give us the complete picture as a whole. Instead you opted out of reality and chose the cowards way out--very similar to bigotry in my book.
Go figure.


    expats / part-timers  we had it but were saving it for next time. but since you asked... so politely.
-expats never leave so they never really 'arrive'. part-timers arrive and never seem to leave. the part-timer renews old friendships. the expat welcomes the part-timer like a band of travelling gypsies . the discoveries of the inspections of the part-timer are explained away by the expat as happening months ago and now of little to no importance. the part-timer arrives with new plastic shit, the expat drools over the toys like the poor neighbor kid. whereas the part-timer cant see the beach for the rocks, the expat never goes to the beach. the part-timer arrives like an invading army, the expat acts like the slaughtered natives. the part-timer has their set businesses they patronize, the expat is effectively stunned at the number of places to go suddenly. the part-timer uses your name , the expat can barely remember theirs never mind yours. the part-timers travel and shop, the ex-pat gets paranoid about going to melaque. the part-timers chat of world events, the ex-pat is muted in their snow globe world. the part-timer sees the tourist as a younger cuter version of them, the ex-pat sees the tourist as a distant memory of an earlier more productive time. (as well as good for the local economy) the part-timer can be recognized by their latest dress, the ex-pat by the garbage clothes they gathered up after the last exodus.as the part-timer meets and greets, the ex-pat acts like a deer in the headlights.  as the part-timer claims a poor year economically, the ex-pat supportivelty laments the reality in an effort to gain a free beer. as the part-timer prepares to leave the ex-pat tries to weasel some of that magic northern plastic out of them.
next issue some other comparison. relax its all in good fun. as for non partisan.... never claimed it.

    okay, so now everyone gets bashed equally--that's more like it. I'll take back the last sentence as that was added for dramatic flair, just like what you always add to your stories (it's all in good fun, right?!).
Oh, and if you don't claim non-partisan, then everything you write is solely your perception and opinion and we should take NOTHING at face value? If that is the case, then add a little more levity in your stories instead of sour grapes. I think you would garnish a much larger readership if you did.
But that is MY opinion--and my perception.


    really like this edition much better than all the others. It was actually funny, the comparisons were right on!!!! Previous ones were getting a little to sordid. Sorry