House shitting...... special edition

Latest Breakers?

As of yesterday afternoon, it appeared that la manz was in the direct path of hurricane (barbarella?) which was churning it's way up the coast. It slammed ashore in the early morning hours, dumping as much as 1" !!! of light rain over a four hour period.  There was no wind or waves accompanyng the storm. Despite all the precautions, and the battening down of the hatches, (mostly by excited gringos) the storm still left it's mark in the form of large puddles in some of the back streets.

   Storm drain ready

There was a large, fancy vacuum truck in town last week. For several days it sucked up who (God?) knows what out of the sewer system at each of the manholes along the primary pipe line.The reason was to give the soon to be coming rains run off water a clear passage to the lagoon, with no interference from shit, diapers, etc... With this change- now in place...remember.... if you are hooked up to the sewer; there will be no flushing until December. Go green!

       Where's the Canadians?

the La Manz sports bar failed to open it's door the other night.  This would never have happened had there been any Canadians around.  The significance of this was that the night it failed to open was the night of the last game of the Stanley cup playoffs.


    

house sitters: whom can you trust???

  Leaving your house unattended, during the months you are away from Mexico is a scary thought, but leaving it in the hands of a virtual stranger can be down right petrifying.

  Acme Correspondence School is now graduating students from our recently inaugurated "House Maintenance Services Program." Each graduate will have completed House Sitting 1 and House Sitting 2, as well as many other useful skills in property maintenance. "If they are carrying our certification of graduation card.... You can trust them." All have picture ID's as references.  

House Sitting Nightmare

My wife and I retired last year, jettisoned everything, and hit the road in our suv with what belongings it would hold. After leisurely traveling south through the US and northern Mexico we arrived in La Manzanilla, a town we were strongly urged to see. We weren't disappointed and immediately fell in love with the place. Soon we joined the rest of the gringos lining up at the real estate offices.

  One night, after several margaritas, my wife said, "I think we might be a bit hasty in looking for real estate, what about house sitting first? I saw several ads looking for house sitters on the message board."

Not long after, we were being interviewed and shown about by a delightful couple, who told us that we would be perfect- if we wanted to take the position. Their house is beautiful, up on the hill with a 'to die for' view of the bay and of the quaint little village below. Besides the view, there is a pool, A.C., fully equipped kitchen, washer, dryer, internet, maid and gardener. Our only responsibilities would be to keep everything fixed up if it needed 'fixing up', pay the gas and telephone. and take care of the dog which came with the house.

  The morning after we take the job, we are sitting on the patio enjoying breakfast and the view when the gardener walks in, unannounced. We called him Nimwit. What was he doing here? He was only supposed to come three times a week and this day wasn't one of them. Before I could ask him, he disappears into the kitchen, gets stuff out of the refrigerator and starts making himself breakfast. "Whats going on" I asked. He said to me quite calmly "you started eating without me, so I have to fix my own". "What?!!" yelled my wife. "This isn't even your day to work!". As he slopped grease all over the stove, he looked up and said, "I didn't come to work today, I've just come for my meals. what time is lunch and what are we having? Meals every day, but sunday, is part of the deal I have here, I like lunch about 2pm.". We were flabbergasted at this omited detail and told Nimwit we didn't eat at 2pm, and weren't going to start, and that he wasn't welcome for any meals. After much arguing, a compromise was met: We still had him for breakfast and we would pay him $50 per day to go and get his own lunch. After finishing his breakfast he announced "Since you're not giving me lunch I might as well leave." My wife said "What about all the mess you made, you are going to clean it up?" He said as he headed out the door, "The maid comes today, she will take care of it".

The maid didn't come that day, but he was right, she was supposed to. After finally reaching her by telephone,( we decide to call her Surly) she tells me she didn't come because I wasn't there to pick her up. As I hung up I screamed "Son of a bitch, what else were we not told about?". My wife comes in and looks at me and said "How about we have no water.". There was no contingency for water on our list of numbers, that we could call in case of different emergencies. We decided to call the 'emergency-only guy.' The fellow at the other end was slightly less than friendly, but did say he would relay the message to the water man. The water man called the next day and told us he hadn't filled up the tank because the account was 2 years in arrears. Fortunately the water bill was not very expensive, but it wasn't part of the deal either.

  Now we started to think about the phone and the gas which 'were' our responsibilities. The gas had about an eighth left in it, so i called them and they assured me that they would get up to us next week. The phone wasn't so easy. No one knew where i should go to get the bill, but apparently once i got it, the paying was easy. After running around in circles all day, the best information I got was 'maybe try the office in Melaque.' "Manana" i mumbled and headed back on up the hill.

  Slowly we were getting into the groove. Nimwit for breakfast, driving Surley to and from her house, and dealing with one 'needs to be fixed' problem after another. At least the dog was turning out to be quite a joy.
  The next day, we discovered there was no internet, and of course the phone was dead too. I was off to Melaque, my wife needed to wait for the gas truck. Another day of running around. From Melaque to Manzanillo, one office to the next. Finally, after paying an exorbitant reconnection fee, I'm told the phone should be on in the next few days. The week passes and things are looking better. The phone worked but the gas truck still hadn't arrived. Over the weekend the gas ran out, and we were hit with the first rain.

  On Monday when i phoned the gas company, I was informed that now that the rains had started there would be no deliveries on the hills. Nimwit then tells me that if I couldn't supply him with hot breakfasts he wouldn't be coming any more. So we take off in search of a blue cylinder. The drive down the hill was quite a shock. Although not too much rain fell, the road was a mess and 4-wheel drive was a must to get back up. It scared the shit out of my wife. We got the gas at the mind numbing cost of buying a new and filled blue bottle. We managed to make the hill and got the tank in place, only to discover that we didn't have the right connections. I called the plumber and told him of our predicament. He told me he could get the necessary hardware "manana" but his truck didn't have 4-wheel drive, so I would have to drive him up and down.. No problem, I figured whats a couple more trips?

  Later that evening the dog got sick, and was looking in real bad shape by the morning. So it was off to the vet only to be told that I needed to take it to Melaque. After several hours there, I am informed that the dog would have to remain overnight. After returning to Lamanz, the plumber couldn't be found, so it would be another night without gas.

  It rained like hell during the night, and in the morning we got a call from the vet saying that the dog could now be picked up. I had a bad feeling about the road, but i had to get the dog. The road was absolute shit, and half way down it ceased to exist as anything one might even call 'a road'. Trying to get back up, the suv got stuck. On foot I slogged it down some muddy stairs and finally arrived in town. At the delegacion I asked how soon the road would be open... and was told, after much guffawing,'in the fall'. I had to hire a back hoe and it took the rest of the day to make the road passable and get the suv unstuck. The rear bumper would never be the same.

  The next day I gingerly slid down the hill, picked up the dog, and really expensive medicines in an infinitesmally small bag, found the plumber, and got him up and back. After our first hot meal in days and many strong margaritas, we finally sat back enjoying the view while wondering 'whats next?' That question was answered quicker than we could have imagined when we watched this huge black angry cloud form over the ocean. The next 2 days brought a steady torrential downpour, the likes we had never witnessed before in our lives. No Nimwit, no Surley, low on drinking water, really low on supplies and the dog had started to throw up. The back hoe operator tells us he will come get us as soon as conditions allow. He also states "that if we had any smarts we would get the hell out now and not come back."

  We were about to take his advice when he finally showed up... a week later. The dog had fortunately improved. But only after even more expensive drugs in an even smaller bag. When we finally got a hold of the owner, and told him what happened, he was outraged. He said we signed up for the summer and that was what he expected and he didn't give a shit about anything else, and if we didn't hold up to our end of the bargain, he was going to sue us etc. etc. etc.
  Needless to say we decided that La Manzanilla was not our kind of place. We are quite happy with the dog, though.  

How to read house sitter ads:  a sampling.

"5 minutes from beach"

  Actually means 5 minutes 'to' beach. And how? Is it a ski slope that forces you to practically run down or be the equivalant of a sartyr to get back up. A sobering practice to be sure.  A vehicle is a necessity? Either way the return trip can take up to an hour. Quadruple that during the rainy season.

"quiet neighborhood"

  Roosters are quiet...most of the time. Really, and you'll get used to it. After 3 months you wont even notice them more than once or twice. A day. The unemployed neighbor who cranks the banda music at all hours will likely get a job soon. The construction on both neighbors houses will soon be finished... I'm sure. They told me. Often in tandem with 'view'.

"close to shopping"

  Every place is close to shopping! Absolutely meaningless here but sounds good to those from elsewhere. Actually sounds like there is a shopping center close by, doesn't it?

  

 "available April to December"

  get stuck paying 3 times the usual rental cost for the 4 months while waiting for them to go back up north. You do the math. This means that you pay the same amount for a year and you get to take care of someone elses problems as well. (see above story). Add moving costs to that. What a bargain!

"view"

  Practically unreachable during the rainy season. Without intense chopping and hacking the view is obliterated by a wall of  jungle 10 meters high within 2 weeks of the start of the rains. Requires a proper vehicle like a tractor.  

  Feel free to send in some more.