spilled booze, them and mud returns

Seen above is the first of many new signs that will soon be posted to give directions around Lamanz. Within the next few weeks more brightly colored derelict vehicles will be placed about town. So, instead of giving directions based on peoples houses (that few know of, despite claims to superiority) or street names you can now say 'take a left' at the yellow Volkswagen.

New folks coming to town

    It certainly is hard to imagine that here in Mexico, rich influential people can commit crimes that they can't buy their way out of, but it is the case occasionally. Some do end up going to jail for their crimes. Of course, they don't go to the prisons of the hardened unwashed peasants, even though they may have committed murder and other serious crimes. Instead, they go to much more luxurious facilities that are better attuned to their privileged lifestyle. The newest of these facilities is opening right here in Lamanz. Under construction for over a year most folks thought it was just another rich persons 'I'm bigger than you' delusions fueled by the big dollar, or a massive hotel. The truth has now finally been revealed. Above the bull ring  a large palace has gone up. It is, in fact, a rich mans prison. The truth could no longer be hidden with the completion of the surrounding fifteen foot high walls topped with electrified razor wire. The facility can hold up to forty inmates in semi private rooms and cells. It will also provide gourmet meals served in a grand dining area with a spectacular view. There is also an exercise room , a pool, and intimate spaces for conjugal visits. And, of course, satellite TV and Internet. Officials say there is little to no chance of the inmates escaping and terrorizing the town. But just in case it may be a good idea to keep your expensive vehicles well locked.

Welcome back

Welcome to Lamanz sign.  4th dumbest city in holiday land

Welcome back,  {Overplays the title: Welcome back Gringo.}
Your dreams were your ticket out. {Overplays shot of a Melaque bound bus spewing fumes. Various other short clips of La Manzanilla daily life such as dogs shitting on the beach, laundry hanging on rusty barbed wire fencing, and a lone plastic bag whipping about in the breeze, accompany the tune.}

Welcome back,
To that same old place that you laughed about. {overplays the title: Executive producer Dave}
Well the names have all changed since you hung around, {Overplays the title: Co-starring Esquimo Pye}
But those dreams have remained and they're turned around. {Overplays the title: And Juan Egotista, With #%+! as Cabrone.

Who'd have thought they'd lead ya {Overplays the title: Mginya-Cracker boy as Florida}

(Who'd have thought they'd lead ya)
Here where we need ya {Overplays the title:Willyjo Bugsass as Horses Ass}

(Here where we need ya) {Overplays the title Luigi as Bruno Luigi}

Yeah we tease him a lot {Overplays the title: Produced by a sad sack of shit.}

cause we've got him on the spot, welcome back,
Welcome back, {Overplays the title: Created by pig-headed arrogance and a sad sack of shit}

welcome back, welcome back. {Overplays the title: Written by two losers from Los Ingenios, and directed by some hippy from BC.}

 The basic premise: George Gringo returns to his La Manzanilla based haunts to teach a whole new generation of social misfits how to be completely ignorant and racist. Known as the drunk pigs they include the self appointed leader Bruno Luigi; Horses Ass, a classic American pompous jerk; Cabrone, a typical gringo piss tank; and nothing-wise Florida, a truly bumbling bone head. This weeks episode: Cabrone finally buys a round.

Crocs get wake up call

    With so many Lamanz residents now owning their own vehicles, the streets are frequently clogged. And with little to no law enforcement of traffic regulations (such as they are) the streets are full of novice and unlicensed drivers in these vehicles. What seems to be a right of passage is to half teach your 10 year old how to drive. A ten minute lesson at best, then sending him off on his own to at least get a case. In many scenarios the kids can't see over the steering wheel, but they do manage to get along as long as you don't get in the way, or near in the way. A few weeks back the inevitable happened because ...well it was inevitable. Two young local drivers met on the street, and as local drivers have done for decades, they stopped in the middle of the street to shoot the shit. Soon after came another bunch of their buddies driving the old mans Ford Nissan Dodge pickup van sedan rust bucket. As will happen the conversation turned to which vehicle was fastest. The poor lone girl wondering why fastest is a good thing. Since it was mid afternoon and the traffic was light they decided to find out. The race was set up on the main drag. One of the non drivers stationed himself at the intersection by the booze kiosk and awaited for a clear moment to flag on the 3 decrepit vehicles that were lined up across the first tope down.The race started with a chirping of tires and no small amount of rusted out metal bits flying off amidst an enormous cloud of smoke. Soon, all 3 vehicles were careening down the street. They quickly lost control and by the time they hit the intersection it was bedlam with vehicles bouncing off each other, the curbs and whatever happened to be in the way. A final nudge to the Dodge pickup sent it hurtling over the curb, flattening the liquor kiosk (gasp!). The other two vehicles were also completely out of control as they skidded, slid and slammed through everything the dealers had set up, between the corner and the croc pit, and finally smashing down the fencing and landing in the lagoon. The sellers and others running away in wild panic. The stunned and dazed kids scrambled out of the vehicles and swam or scampered to safety just before the shocked crocs came after them. They all, of course, ran away. Obviously, with their parents now twisted piles of shit lying in the croc pit, they didn't get away with it for long. Fortunately there were no serious injuries, just startled crocs and a large puddle of booze. Many gringos were brought to tears about the waste. The authorities, as can be expected, aren't doing anything about the traffic infractions, but have stated that some one will be going to jail if the liquor isn't paid for, or reimbursed.

Odd couple

   We are proud to announce the finalists for this years oddest couple of the year award. The winners to get a free night.... apart from each other. First finalist are that large couple from the great lakes area that have brought snipping to such high levels. She reminds of us a tie in a blimp race and his dome reflects so much we are sure it is picked up on satellite. Good luck to you both. The second couple have been together so long that they don't even realize they are a couple. Truly this level of avoidance has not been seen since the queen of England and what's his name. Good luck to you as well. Finally the hippy and the zionist apologist. truly not a more philosophically apposed duo has ever been seen. Good luck to you both and heil Israel (we don't want any local false flag terrorism around here.)  So get your votes in. We are accepting write in ballots as well as we have to admit the pool for this award is massive.The honorable mention list includes 3/4 of the population here.

the fall clean up

    Workers have been busy these last couple of weeks transforming Lamanz from shit hole to illusion of paradise. This is to impress the hordes of returning gringos. Most of the side-streets of the village have been filled and grated. This has turned the once dusty tracks into smooth quick dusty tracks. The end result being faster moving vehicles kicking up more dust. A somewhat premature beach clean up has been underway to clean up the gravel pit of rocks. Unfortunately the sand has not returned in sufficient quantities to make this feasible. All the rocks removed one day are back the next like some bad cat. Leaving a mountain of rocks on the beach from the previous days clean up. The real success story, though, has been the work of the sewer engineers. They have discovered a way to divert the stench water from overflowing all the manholes. Now it only overflows from one or the other, not both. A celebratory party is in the works. Finally giving a reprieve to those folks near one of the stench spewing monsters if only half of the time. One engineer was quoted "its not perfect, but its fifty percent better than it was." 

did we say welcome back?

    The flights now arriving at our local international airport are coming chock full of a throng of seasonal Lamanzanillaites..., their dogs/cats and mountains of excess baggage. Its no wonder they always claim to have no money, when asked to contribute a few pesos to this or that. They have spent it all in getting their animals and other necessary (read useless) shit here.One person who flew down on accumulated miles plus tax said they spent 5 times their own ticket for one for the dog. Plus another uincalculable  amount for the six suitcases. The airline has responded to this increase in ridership by losing luggage, overbooking and bumping excess  luggage that is overloading the plane. It makes for all the merry joyous returning fun seekers not joyous, merry or seeking anything other than lost bags. Most folks go with the flow thinking there is nothing to be done now so lets get a drink. Many bitch and moan and then finally go and get a drink. And then there are the indignant few who just wont or can't let go. They get mean and nasty and take it as a personal affront that their  overweight box was the one that was bumped, just so the airplane could fly safely. Yep, they are coming back, the whole bunch of them. 

New Canadian lingo this year

    Due to a hockey strike up north the chatter amongst Canadians will change this year. Stock phrases that many have struggled to grasp over the years will no longer be in use. A whole new set of strange concepts will descend. No longer will one need to try to figure out an icing, off side, blind pass, butt ending, etc. Unfortunately the new set of phrases will make one sure Canadians speak another language. Hog line, button, house, hurry hard, hack,skip and peel will be part of the new lingo. And just when you may think you are starting to get it, the strike will end and you will be back to the first set. You may well be wishing that the rock in their back ring will freeze in their end.

mud to slide again?

    As many of you may recall...   Hahahahahaha , many. Like 'many' read this. Anyways, as some of you may recall, about 5 years ago a soap opera of sorts called 'as the mud slides' was seen posted on the local message board. It was goebelly censored almost immediately along with subsequent episodes. Its author calling herself john (?) continued to write it, all the while thinking that someday there might be a more favorable venue for it. Alas, it was all lost in last years flood. But just  recently she approached one of us stating that she was wanting to write it again and would we publish it. Uncensored. Bring it on we said. We would be delighted to have the mud slinging down our pages. so, next issue we hope to have the latest episode of 'As the mud slides'- the continuing gringo struggle to gentrify La Mansionilla. Here's an excerpt-


Denise- Remember a few years back we were the sewer committee and we coerced all those people to pay a pre- installment fee?
Wanda- Oh yes, the sewer. What a mess that turned out to be. I wish i hadn't got involved. I'm still getting heat over that one.
Denise- Well what i got to tell you will make it all worth it
Wanda- How so?
Denise- What do you figure happened to all that money collected? I don't want to shock you but there was nothing official about our sewer committee and the hook up fee was a scam.

4 year bitch

   It just seems like yesterday when the latest yank puppet was appointed master amongst the cheers of local gringos. Change change change, the sheep bleated firmly thinking actual change was in the air. How naive can people be? Of course the change political sales pitch was also used by Hitler but few actually read history. Nor read for that matter. The insane high fiving amidst the bleetings left many scratching their heads, but also showed how many ruminants there are around here. Now, after 4 years of change, which to be honest is correct as there is more of the bad shit,  they are doing it again. The great delusion is thrust in our faces once more. Arguments rage about the difference between globalist number 1 and globalist number 2. If they don't just suspend the so called free election, (also known as fixed) because of their pointlessness  their new master will be the latest corporate bitch. Just like the last one. And the one before. Etc. The old saying that if voting could actually change things it would be illegal is still valid. This is, of course, a great opportunity to discover who is a blind ignorant ovis aries. That will include anyone who voted or anyone who thinks things will now be different. It's really that simple.