white or dark meat?

turkey variety pack

    It was american thanksgiving last thursday and  canadians, despite not wanting anything to do with stuff that's american, were side by side with them pigging out at the feeding trough. Several restaurants in town offered special dinners, giving the hungry gringos a variety to choose from. And variety there was.... of course they all featured turkey, but that was about all they had in common. One beach-side restaurant gave their turkey dinner a mexican flavor with a turkey stuffed with menudo dressing and rice, beans and tortillas. Another, a gringo establishment, offerd a traditional turkey feast with the added feature of the aroma of shit permeating everything from the still bubbling sewer. Everyones favorite taco joint offered turkey and cranberry tacos, and along with the usual salsas and toppings, mashed potatoes were added. The most popular location, another gringo operated place, had the traditional turkey dinner served prison style. (turn key dinner?) People were marched in, sat down, and served dinner. At the sound of a whistle they all got up and were marched out, so the next group could repeat the process. Dinner reviews were about the same at all locations: the proportions were too small, the prices were way too high and the quality of the food being so-so.  

town spared

   An unfortunate fire the other night destroyed the palapa roof of a local bar. Despite the destruction of the roof on the 2nd floor, this was a lucky location to have this kind of calamity. The structures to either side have concrete roofs (not often seen on beachfront structures), thus not giving the fire the fuel to spread. A fire of this nature at almost any other location would have spread from one palapa roof to another wiping out a good stretch of beachfront structures. We guess a good moral to this incident is don't live in thatched houses in a place where there is no fire department.

is everybody happy?

    With the surging population of gringos, a new round of bitching and whining has begun. Many folks are outraged that there are roaming crocs in the ocean and on the beach, and want something done about it.... the answer is simple; stop filling their habitat with shitty sewer water and maybe they will stay home. As for the people bitching about being sued by their Mexican employees.... who's fault is it? After all, we invaded the area spreading our gringo ways ; driving our cars everywhere (sometimes barely more than a car length) has inspired a lot of the mexican population to do the same, especially since so many dumb shit gringos are paying them far more that the going rate so they can afford cars. What's more gringo than not taking responsibility for your own actions? And suing someone else to take the fall is gringo as apple pie. Also inspiring the mexicans to do the same. To wit:

     After years of cheaply exploiting local folks a gringa is sued for: no apparent good reason, or injury, or severance or some other reason to be named later. 'American sue everyone in site' philosophy is finally rubbing off on the locals . As usual, the person is completely blameless in their own eyes, due to what we would guess is their superiority. An amount is paid that essentially ups the workers pay in the long run to the equivelant of ... well it's a secret you know so don't mention it, although likely around 5 bucks an hour. Since it's always about money (aka budget constraints/cheapness), a payment is made rather than a fight for justice (the great unwinable), which of course negates any claim to a moral high road. It also sets up a potential wave of suits because as Pedro said 'if they just throw money at you, you may as well get as much as possible.' Gringoas will now be carrying waivers. Any mexican that they even talk to in passing will be required to sign first. Suddenly years of "friendship" will need a signature ('ummm, its to prove how much "we" care about our friendship.') The upside is a potential healthier gringo population as they may now actually get up off their asses and sweep a floor, as apposed to just lifting their feet.

full circe

    After a few months of looting and pillaging the local singles community the circe has finally departed to parts north. Gone, but not forgotten, as her maniacal tequila infested rants have become part of the local lore. The behaviour is now an excuse used by others. "Well im not as bad as...." is coming into regular usage. Numerous local folks are still scratching their heads in amazement at the temerity of the statements made. Most people soon realized that it was not their job (nor within their finances) to support the lunacy despite the claims to the contrary. Probably using the phrase 'may the bridges i burn light my way' the local singles were driven into hiding. It wasn't until it was discovered that other communities had desperate singles with money to burn and booze to swill as well, that the fear started to subside. "Thank god for Melaque." one friend of an stricken adorer said after seeing the gaping chest wound on his buddy. Like frightened mice, the local singles are only now slowly creeping out of their hide outs, praying that circe has indeed departed, and wondering if it is safe to bring out their booze again. And yet strangely they are still in love with her. Clearly up for a pathetic character of the year award (both the circe and her followers), although there is still 6 weeks left and we've learned never to underestimate the amount of whack jobs that come through this town.(see following story) Unfortunately some local singles have been having recurring nightmares and, as usual, local health authorities are at a loss as to what to do about it. A self help group is in the works. "Hello, my name is dave and i've had a circe experience..." may well be a recurring phrase in the months to come. On the other hand we are going to miss her, you just can't buy that kind of entertainment. Well actually we guess you can, we can't.

the old wild woman and the sea

    Apparently the wild woman of lamanz (see story in september 3 issue) has re-hooked the great white marlin, and is dragging it back to shore. What will be left no one knows. Friends and aquaintances are shaking their heads in disbelief, numerous land lords are removing their for rent signs and the local canuck bar has hired security. We anxiously await further silly developments in what is becoming another potential pathetic character of the year winner.



Awards, celebrations, dreams

Lamanzanilla receives recognition

    The World Heritage Organization has added Lamanz to one of its lists, receiving 3 big stars as a "world class shit hole". Organizers said there are many criteria for determining what's a shit hole, but in Lamanzs' case we can take it literally. Faulty sewers and overflowing septics have given Lamanz the smell of shit. Thus its special recognition. Residents need not feel too bad about this as Lamanz didn't receive the top status of 5 stars. Maybe next year if we all shit together....

More dreams

    Construction of new homes is picking up, (dont they ever read this?), with at least 8 active sites as of now. At least half of these aren't merely homes but mansions. It will be interesting to see, when all these are finished and their owners have lived in them for a few seasons how quickly the for-sale signs go up, as lamanz didnt turn out to be quite the paradise they had envisioned. (see above story) And what does lamanz get? Even more dream homes that were only beautiful to their owners and just a bunch of white elephants for everyone else to look at, but no one has any desire to buy and/or live in for themselves.

Gar(b)age sale sunday

    In a land where garage sales are unheard of, last sunday was a bonanza. .... with 2!!!  Returning gringos offing their unwanted items (pronounced 'junk') supplied the booty. Of course and as usual, anything that was actually worthy of any useful purpose never actually made it to the sales tables. One sale which was strictly a gringo affair found the cheaper folks trying to rid themselves of their useless shit and weasel out a few pesos for it. The other-'a charity affair'- was supplied by donations. In other words for those that were too lazy to even set up tables and try to hock the shit themselves. Then there were those that were both too lazy and too cheap to do either but not so lazy as to not add to their already mammoth pile of shit.

A big thanks

Its happening again. The yank day to give 'thanks' for the fact indians didn't have better weapons, and were ridiculously naive. Turkey and all the 'fixins' are on many a table. the diners in a few hours of course will likely be under it. All mexicans will be using the back entrance if they are there at all, which isn't likely. Local restaurants will likely have special sittings again. Remember to give thanks for ....ummmmm.... the rule of the chosen race, the holocaust of the indiginous populations for the greater [whiter] good, turkeys dont have vicious teeth, a reason for cranberries, football, small pox, religious nutters? The choices seem endless. Apparently though, there is one true traditional thanksgiving dinner being held. After the obligatory half gallon of beer the fun begins with the time honored tradition of 'the giving out of disease infested blankets to the indiginous'. Always popular with the left. Then, a quick trip to the grave yard for some looting. (locals expect a good haul this year,) After a be-heading or two in the casino (heads to be later displayed on poles in the jardin) there will be a pilgrimage up to some high-walled hill castle and a big dinner of stolen food (so no need to BYO-anything). For justification purposes, the following day is slated for shopping. God bless US.

Coyotes move north

    With the coyote business (smuggling illegals across the border) waning due to the ever decreasing desire to enter the usa, enterprising coyotes are finding a new market. They are moving north to smuggle Canadians across the border. it's not for the same reasons that latinos flow north as most Canadians don't want to go to the states . Its just that the damm place lies between them and their destination of Mexico. For years there was no problem crossing the "friendly" border in their packed rvs. Now things have begun to change.

    The upstart fascist agency called homeland (sounds like fatherland) security is getting its shit together and doing just what it was intended to do which is to label as many as possible as criminals. With its high powered computers it is able to search back through the years and find out all the facts about everyone who was ever born. Sometimes they can tell of things you did even before you were born. There is nothing you can hide so if you were convicted of  even spitting on the sidewalk 40 years ago, they know. (and likely have DNA evidence to boot) If you are Canadian, this is enough to turn you away at the border. The usa being the pristine place that it is, wants no criminal elements within its borders, even if it's just to pass through. Politicians and bankers excepted. Of course, if you want to spend a small fortune to apply for a waiver (that may or may not be granted) your criminal status may be removed. (until its time to renew it) Then you can enter. It is after all, still the land where the dollar rules. Canadians (and particularly the quebecois) with their reputation of not wanting to spend a buck find this kind of extortion unnacceptable. But how do they get their expensive rvs to the beaches of mexico? Enter the coyotes. With their experience along the southern borders they are finding the northern borders a snap. With hundreds, if not thousands, of unpatrolled crossings,and for a fee much less than a waiver, you will be led to one and then sent along your way into some remote area of the northern states. From there, the only tricky part will be to find your way to the nearest interstate. And then you are home free, next stop Mexico.   

zookeeping, slam dunks, art nouveau

it's all happening at the zoo

 By the Zookeeper

   The color for the night was white.... pasty white, the color of the skin of  a plethora of freshly arrived gringos. They were herding in the one place that they can feel at home. There is no hint of being in mexico at this venue, except the brand names of the beer served. They all were greeting (bleating?) each other like long lost relatives and swapping (well practiced) stories of how they spent their summer vacation. Mostly bull shit. The conversations began about being back in Lammanz and the dramas of getting their houses back together. Probably mostly bull shit too. Then, as every year, every one universally bitched about how oppressively hot it is and why isn't the sand back on the beach? There was a clown present, not particularly funny, pathetic really, but he did have a big red nose. And then there were the dogs-lots of dogs- and they were all doing their thing.... being annoying. Of course this was all overlooked by their owners who shrugged their shoulders.... "it's mexico, we can do what we want", not giving a hoot that many folks might be offended and not want to eat their dinner amongst a pack of mangy mutts. Welcome back folks, what could Lamanz do without you?

its nice to be important

    Six truck loads of state police rolled into town recently, not doing much, but still intimidating by their presence. Why so many and what for? It seems they were here as body gaurds and escorts for some infamous cartel boss who has decided to make Lamanz his hide-away. Any further information need not be known.

pay toll, or swim!

    During the last weekend, before the lagoon closed up, a toll of 10 pesos was charged to anyone wanting to cross the swinging bridge. We have been unable to track down those responsible for this toll, be it the ejido, the mayor, or just some enterprising individual who saw a way to make a little beer money. This extortion didn't go down well with those who wanted to go to the other side, or had to because they lived over there. It's bad enough to pay, but to pay to cross a bridge that is in imminent danger of collapse is a bit too much. The damn thing is so unsafe that most people wouldn't cross it if they were paid to.

 new art to reflect local natural 'wonders'

local sports

Work will soon be under way for a basketball court. yeah!! What? Basketball? It better be wheel chair accessable. Will the canadians soon start up a move for a curling rink? An excuse for more cement in Lamanz. Since the average locals height is much less than dos metros, are the kids going to scale the post? Piggy back? Is this simply more American imperialism? Shoving a sport of the inner city down the locals throats. There is an estimated 4.3 million basketball courts in mexico with annual basket ball sales of 118. At best, the kids will be seen kicking basketballs around (which is already happening) and trying to head them into the basket. Most likely to be used for only the tourist season, and only by tourists. Next summer the posts will be cut down for scrap by some of our local criminal element. Instead of a wrestling ring or a cock fighting ring or even a charreria court (as well as god knows what else) lets organize for a strange alien game and help the locals. When will the locals ask to not be 'helped' anymore? How many scraped knees and elbows will result when the local kids string up a line to play volleyball on the court? So,again, instead of soccer field improvements or a baseball backstop, the local kids now have a chance to dream the truly impossible dream - an NBA star! "And now starting in small forward position..." Sad, especially with all the sweeping experience around, one would think curling is a natural. In the tradition of small town
Canada, some folks are planning street hockey at the bb court. This, of course, is rumor. We doubt the 'nuks will actually get off their barstools. Unless they're on their way to the floor.

house review of the month

Unless you are a big shot (pronounced shit) or have dreams of being a big shot this is not the house for you. Built for a big shot (or ones that thought they were) by the most notorious of the notorious three La Manzanilla builders, this house is all show and no substance. In fact, the further away you get the better it looks. Hacked into the side of a hill with the mandatory view, the mansion like qualities fade away apon entering. Inside is an elaborate spiral staircase taking you from one ho-hum floor to another. There is nothing inside this house fit for a king. (the kitchen cabinets look like they came off the floor of the home depot) Ascending up the hill (you do have to like stairs) to the roof top terrace, the view is enough to make any big shot gasp. Be careful though, as a design flaw makes the last few steps a bit precipitous (very narrow and very steep), but they do manage to make the distance. Once on top another design oversite keeps you on your toes for falling rocks. One of the problems that comes with building into unstable hills. Despite its flaws, the asking price is definately at a big shot level.



We welcome the zoo keeper to, uh... er.. the staff, who may or may not keep us up to date on the state of the zoo.

No Parking: Jubilant crocs awaiting points.

crocs benefit from the hurricane (temporarily)

    Lately it has been noticed that LaManzs' crocodiles have developed a slimey film over their bodies. Coincidentally, this film started becoming apparent when the sewer started overflowing and emptying into the lagoon (again/still) . With the hurricane, the lagoon broke through to the ocean and thoroughly flushed itself out, leaving a mildly less polluted lagoon, as well as easy access to the sea for the crocs to frolic. Except for Pancho of course. (the Mumia Abu Jamal of crocs). Fortunately the film is slowly disappearing and they are looking healthier. But what's going to happen when the lagoon closes up, which could happen any day. The crocs will find themselves confined in what will soon become a dwindling body of water. Historically after this amount of rain the sewer could continue to flow for another month or more. Dumping more human waste shit into the lagoon for the crocs to live in until the next break through. Hopefully it won't be too late for them.

man collapses under the weight

A local resident who was heaped with praise for keeping his web site up and running during the recent hurricane collapsed under the weight of his swelled head. Apparently his skeletal frame could no longer support it.

no place to park

    Don't you just hate it when you are going to your favorite restaurant in town and you can't find a place to park? You have to park some good distance away and.....walk! If you wanted to walk you wouldn't have driven the 3 blocks from your house. Ever wonder why there is no parking? Look at your friends who live on the beach. They have taken advantage of the fact that there are no rules, or more probably, rules that no one enforces, and

have taken their entire street frontage as a driveway.

Out of community spirit some have left spaces, maybe, for a Vespa or 2.


comment on the universe

NASA scientists worry about possible global damage due to influx of gringos in Lamanz. Dr. Octavio Diebert of NASAs theoretical universe balance team has stated that it's quite possible that with the massive increase in the number of people thinking they are actually the center of the universe ('points' in NASA lingo) being located in Lamanz in the coming months the actual balance of the universe could be thrown out of whack. Dr Diebert stated "its not the number that's the problem per se, but the rapid increase in that relative number over a short period of time. Most cities, towns have a given number of 'points' depending on various socio-economic factors. Fortunately we believe it is balanced out by the sensible people in those urban centers. The possible problem in lamanz is related to the potential imbalance with the expected massive increase in these 'points'." Apparently the CIA have also been involved clandestinely by attempting to create an environment less friendly to the 'points'. Including haarp induced hurricanes, planned power outages and inoperative sewer systems as well as having operatives in local political power positions. An increase in beer prices was on the table but like chemo it kills everything so it's likely only going to be wine prices. The best thing to do (according to local health authorities) when confronted is to respond to the comment with a friendly 'its not about you' or some such similar tpe of phrase. So.... it's not about you.

point of view

Walking down the strip we ran into one of the famous points.

eye; Hey how are you?

point; Yeah, good yaknow i've been coming here for 20 years, I remember when it was a small town. I know everybody. ive been here for like 25 years and ive been everywhere. I know this place. How long have you been here?

eye: about 30 seconds (too long) now.

point: Shit(!), ive been here for 30 years, you dont know shit.

eye: Duh, how did your house fair through the storm?

point: Fine I got some mexicans cleaning it up but they are doing it wrong. They simply don't know how to do anything properly.

eye: Its cleaning, whats the science?

point: I've been dealing with mexicans for 35 years they cant do shit.

eye: Well that goes for most people but-

point: -Hey ive been coming down for 40 years, dont tell me. I know all about mexicans and how lazy and useless they are.

eye: I know some good mexicans...

point: Yeah who?

eye: Well Pedro is pretty dece-

point: Pedro is a useless tit! I've been coming down for 45 years and i've known him since he was a baby. Look away for a second and he'll rip you off.

eye: Well he-

point: I know mexicans, ive been coming down for 50 years and they are all thieves.

eye: okay then.I must say you look younger than your years.

point: Well it's having a good attitude that helps.

eye: Okay then, well i gotta go, see you around.

point: I'll be here, i've been coming here for 55 years ya know.

eye: Yes, and thank goodness you don't really exist for most of us.

point: Whatever, i've been here for.....

 Lost: rare gringo lawn ornament

have you see me?

     The world series trophy (sadly called the commisioners trophy) was stolen from {deleted by major league baseball} of the St. Louis Cardinals on his celebratory visit to lamanz with the trophy last week. Apparently he 'just went into the deposito to grab some beer', only to return to find the trophy missing from the back of the truck. Amazingly, the locals sitting on the street corner saw nothing. Despite numerous ball-capped guys in black humvees hanging about local scrap dealerships, in the hope that the thief will think its some kind of stupid gringo lawn ornament. Baseball officials are denying the theft altogether, saying only, and off the record, that {deleted by major league baseball} may have just 'missplaced ' the 30 lb silver torture device of a trophy. Baseball fans world wide are overjoyed at the 'loss' of the grotesque and stupid pile of junk that truly embarrasses all who see it. Said long time local baseball legend Dave "I'm proud to be in the now world famous town of Lamanz where that stupid dumb assed trophy finally was put to rest. I pray to the lord they come up with something better."