a few parting shots

It's with sadness or joy that we bring to you the hopefully last eye. We've said it all, and still the lunacy reigns. No surprise there but it just seems we are doing the same thing over and over. It's like we keep repeating. Again and again we keep spewing up the same old critiques. Time after time we.... ah never mind. Anyways the editor has finally decided to stop it as well and since she was always the one getting it together the remaining writer has been left with no outlet. Thank goodness. We must admit the death of 3 contributors within the last year or so didn't help either. We did manage to find some old bits and pieces and have slapped them together rather haphazardly into this post. So unless some live contributors suddenly show themselves.........

.carol burnett adios

I'm so sad we had this time together

just to listen to your whining lies

it seems you just get started on another pile of horse shit 

comes the time we get to say piss off.

if neil lived here 

oh to live in La Manzanilla

with the barking dogs and the coloured, er white buffoons

you act like you're 20

in La  Manzanilla

though we're thinking your a brainless gringo.... a brainless gringo

its so noisy at the square but all your 'friends' are there

and the tequilas  that you had with your mother and your dad

chorus

theres a girl down the street and you think she'd like to meet

you can see her turn and run as you stumble like a bum

chorus

now you're puking on your feet and you're sleeping on the street

and the people that you met shook their heads and left you wet

you say you're coming back from the boteneros in melaq

ain't it funny how you think no one knows you are a dink

chorus

super tourist.

drunker than a Irish miner, more pompous than an Oregon hippy. able to assess foreign cultures in a single phrase

look there in the square. its a nerd!

its a drain!(on our senses)

No!, its super tourist! 

Yes, its super tourist, strange visitor from a northern country who came to La Manzanilla with arrogance and stupidity beyond those of local men. Super tourist, who can change the course of foreign cultures, crush beer cans with the help of friends and who, disguised as brain dead, pussy whipped peon from a foreign country, fights a never ending battle for  injustice and the cheapest way. And now another mind numbing episode in the misadventures of super tourist.

newbie know it alls





each season brings a few more full timers in. suddenly they know it all, and worse, like too loudly express their ignorance (they call it knowledge) fortunately enough of them drop off every year as well, so the balance is maintained. 80 %  is it  a changing of the guards of ignoramuses. a whole new batch of loonies replacing the gone loonies. With a whole new batch of wackos one would expect a whole new batch of wacko behaviour. (we would hope) Unfortunately it probably wont happen that way and will just be new names on the same old behaviours. Maybe its time to install an ignoramus tax.

health of the community

we already knew most folks (not just here)were sick but this season brought in the physical aspects. almost everybody suffered from some sort of malaise lasting from days to glorious weeks. having so many  lain up for a week or 2 or 3 was quite frankly spectacular. the bull shit meter wasn't as high as in previous years and that is healthy.

silence is golden

the song whisperers came through town again a while back.Silently cooing old tunes that can only be heard from within  a few meters. The shushes were clearly the loudest noises heard, since even the quietest chatter was considered loud. It was the first time this season where 50 gringos together actually were silent. So bless them.

post this

This season our local message bored has been rife with local pictures. Except for the continuing shots of sunsets (at least 50 so far this year) many have been of quality and worth a peek. A picture is worth a thousand words it is said but when the first of those thousand words that comes out of your mouth is 'what the fuck' then it's time to shut er up. Pictures of plastic chairs and tables? we expect a whole series on dog poops or pop bottles to show up soon.

posters galore gore. 

  

     it seems from a cursory inspection that the local message bored is having its own competition. there are a dozen folks that seem to do nothing but put up stupid postings. is it a race. do they check their stats or wonder in the morning if they can come up with 3 or 4 postings by noon. is it how they measure their position in the community. even if they are thousands of miles away they still post. it may be time to charge for each posting. even 5 pesos would probably shut up a few of them. we thought of having a listing of the stupidest but we don't have that kind of spare time. Just analyzing the starr posts would keep us working for years.

help?

loud mouthed schnook volunteers run rampant. lumbering through time honored community organisations lik bull in a china shop, it seeks to control while expressing a pathetic need to be associated with something... anything. local groups are scrambling to find a polite way to say the door is shut while still keeping it open for other less largely offensive cattle.

drunkagains casa

just sit right back and you'll here a tale, a tale of a fate full trip

that started from a northern port aboard some mighty ship.

the mate was a mighty tall girly-boy, the wife an ugly slob, 

with numerous friends and family it's an ugly mob, it's an ugly mob .

the weather started getting hot, the noisy group were sloshed.

if not for the web and the message board all would be lost, all would be lost

the groups all hiding in a  bungalow deep up in the hills.

with Valium,  sun lotion too, tequila... and some lime.

there's a drunken whore, an artistic puss and the pompous ass

all in drunkagain's casa

this week's episode, drunkagain gets bit by a scorpion with hilarious results

so this is the tale of our cast of geeks, they're here for a few more weeks.

they'll have to bitch about everything, for daily it's a climb.

the mate and his wife as well, will bloat out with the rest,

and piss off all the locals in their tropical seaside nest

no respect, no brain no common sense, not a single quality.

like drunken dumb ass sailors , they're as ignorant as can be

so join us in a few weeks my friend you're bound to crack a smile,

when 7 tourist lunatics leave from drunkagains casa!!

how to clear the beach

time 

what is it about length of time here that so bamboozles and idiocifies the gringo population? It is always one of the first things asked. There is connected with the response some strange non-sensical idea that the longer one has been here the more 'special' they are. The more they can act like they are somehow superior to those who have resided here for shorter periods of time. Their insights are brighter, their opinions more intelligent, their biases more correct. They act like wise elders rather than the wizen oldsters they really are. As twisted as this is, there is also the supported response from those lower on the time spent continuum that may be even more off kilter. Never is the elder oldster questioned about the validity of time spent being the sole arbiter of 'what is'. Or isn't for that matter. Just because one has been in a place for a certain period of time is no justification for stupidity, or intelligence.  Although those who have been around here longer obviously will disagree since they obviously know more. It gets to ridiculous extremes when people actually lie about how long they have lived here. The insanity of this is repeated throughout the world, so don't feel so special... laddy.

i've seen every jerk 

I was walking back along the sandy old boca road

when along came a truck  driven by a gringo with a purple nose

if you're going to lamanz Dave with me you can ride

i barely make it inside when we're driven off the side

he  asked me then if I'd seen so many jerks in my whole life

and I said listen Dave I've seen every jerk in this whole land

I've seen every jerk man I've seen every jerk. 

the jerks are teen hos, big Joe's, chanting floes, loud mouthed schmoes

teen editors, song whisperers snobby sores, whining bores

addled artists, stinking fartists' smelling drunkards complainin' lard bags'

sarcastic (re)marks, hearts so dark, pompous birds, small minded turds  

shredded clothes on broken souls and  big dumb logger fools

I've seen every jerk Dave I've seen every jerk

media is the mess

    Newspapers galore. A sweet little info newspaper came out a few months back. Not to be outdone, another one was created. Is there suddenly so much news print worthy stuff or is this just the way it is. if one has some success then a whole flock follows. Is it a matter of time before we have 6 newspapers, 3 radio stations and 4 movie houses? 

bank on it

   Bank machine arrives with much excitement. Next year they plan on unpacking it and maybe plugging it in. Then another season will pass and money will be placed in it. Then the poor banker woman will then be inundated with unbelievably loud mouthed buffoons complaining and bitching about the bugs in the bank  machine.

the face of the town

The town's new official ambassador has taken up in his new official welcome station out on the first curve of the highway going south, Having passed the recruitment process with flying colors, he is now representing us all in his regal welcoming position, Clearly representing the best of what we offer: a lazy half wit bum with visions of grandeur (he claims to be both a lawyer and a doctor). He stands on guard in his tattered remnants on the corner or lounges on his throne of plastic and sticks, Often doing his best BC teacher impression he blandly stares through you.Welcome!

gringoho

New fashion accessory to hit lamanz this season.

 With the increased paranoia about ebola, this is likely to become a big hit this year. Local stores will be stocking supplies and savvy beach vendors will be making a few pesos by drawing little pictures on them. No ebola will be stopped but it may help with the numerous other airborne shite that emanates from out sewers. If nothing else one will clearly be able to tell the psycho paranoid from a good distance.

The well adjusted

Are you suffering from the winter blues? Feeling low? Lacking energy? Well, try out Lamanzanillactol. The new drug from Cockroche Industries. Possible side effects may include: inability to reason, lack of common sense, inflated sense of importance, tendency to racism, feelings that your opinions matter, inability to shut the fuck up. If you, or any of your ilk, are afflicted with these irritations, please see your doctor immediately. Back at home.

but does it rhyme

Art fails to change the world ...again. Local writes poem to stop thefts. How many cracked out thieves actually read?  And does some flippant assessment of drug abuse (just say no) help anybody? We have yet to hear someone state "oh my god you're right , what have I been doing. I will stop and get a honest job right now. It was the poetry that helped me see the error in my ways." Police will now be equipped with Wordsworths' Lyrical Ballads.

save their shit

 Dead peoples stuff. A new store is opening that will only carry the belongings of those that have passed on. Get a little piece of Joe or Bill or whomever's life. A cherished memory.  A family heirloom (of someone else) Recycle! Reuse! Its a win win situation! And you don't have to loot at the funeral, which is considered bad taste, although few seem to realise that.

tit

After the first week or two of joyous bliss and the shedding of nob stress, so many of our pters slip into the old behavioural patterns that likely cause all the stress in the first place. They must think we are friends as no one would hurl insults like they do at people they don't know. All the behind the back chatterabuse (often to your face) has seemingly grown exponentially with each new arrival. We guess it's true-  one shouldn't keep it in, but why save it up for the trapped locals?

tat

Why? You ask 'why'? It's obvious to us all who only visit. Oh you fters are so special aren't you? Been here, done it all, and tired and worn out from it. Buy a new shirt for Christ's sake! And those stains on your shorts... my god! You all are too relaxed and clearly need our help. You haven't even seen the beach in years and frankly have no clue about what is going on in the rest of the world. Did your knowledge stop when you crossed the border? The only sad part of coming here is seeing your wasted bodies still stumbling about. It pisses us off that with all the people dying every year-  you all seem to survive.

duh duh duh dumb

    The people are real, the cases are real, the decisions are final. Yes, the Judge Judy show was to be holding auditions for some specials to be broadcast right from our own little town. Unfortunately the overwhelming response by locals scared the producers away. They wondered how there could be more people applying than the local population, as well as the ridiculous number citing someone named 'ink' as the defendant. Auditions for 'The Real Housewives of La Manz' coming soon...

friends

 a couple o' excerpts from lamanzapaedia

best friend - the poor bastard that suffers all the repercussions for someone else's outrageously pathetic behaviours. When you hear the words 'you're my best friend' the wise response is to get out of there.

real friend - What pters call fters when they arrive, despite neither knowing the others real full name.

my friend- the person who buys the beer.

awards 



we are sure every one knows who is the most pathetic character of the year. we have mentioned numerous examples of his grand patheticness over the years and to be honest are sick and tired of relating the latest scam attempts. When will it end? Would some one please see them to the door? We feel we are letting others off the hook when we are continually being assaulted by this grand pathetic. So in order to move on, we will no longer give out the award. Just assume the same individual has won again. We are sure there will continue to be close seconds though, and will certainly dishonourably mention them.

 In keeping though with end of year awards, we introduce the Ramses trophy which will go to the individual who in the face of truth and honesty still believes he is the gods' gift to women. It should be a tight race this year with at least 2 Canadians in the running and one American. The leading runners as we see them so far, include the pea souper who has been at it for years now and despite the perfect record of failures still carries on. Despite not being able to see his own penis, he continually obeys its sickest wants. Which is usually your daughter. The other Canadian, uses his aboriginality to stun the local female population. That and his boobs. It must be the 'medicine' that firms up his hopes. The lone American employs drugs to delude both himself and the poor saps who may run into him. Poor mainly in that they always end up footing the bill.  We are sure there are others but will leave it to the commenters to add to this ever expanding list. Good luck, or watch out, depending on your gender.

Due to the passing of a number of our writers over this last year and a bit, the eye has been forced to downsize. (We heard that!) Interesting enough none of the them had anything of worth to put in the store and certainly won't be adding any more to this spewage. The rest of us say good riddance. You weren't funny anyways and kept repeating the same themes. Hmmmm, we guess prose changes nothing as well. Nonetheless, if you have a tale, or an idea, email us.

the last ride

    Woe is the gringo plight. Due to what we guess is a feeling of a lack of appreciation for organising one day to give appreciation to the Mexicans for their hospitality (the running line), the rodeos' gringo day has died . Rest in narcissism. Clearly not enough thanks have been given to the thankers. Or not enough money has been made by the givers. Rest assured this will in no way diminish the feelings of  grandiose self importance that so many of the gringos feel. And who knows, some schmuck may still  ride in on his white horse (or ness) and save the day. For every day must be gringo day.