It's dark and the Shit is a comin

 cholera outbreak!!!!!

Of course this headline is not true....yet! There is periodic pumping of the sewage that goes away and sits on the ground in what was designed as a leach field, but it's far enough away not to be worried about. So most seasonal visitors see no problem with this scenario, they didn't come here to worry about shit. They also don't see the flowing man holes during the rainy season. Things are drying out now and everything is getting dusty. Guess what's in that dust that accumulates every where including the air you breath?....the making of a possible epedemic. Because this shit-laced dust is far more dangerous than a few turds flowing from man holes. Dig your heads out of your ass holes and smell the other shit and start working on a solution before the headline becomes a reality. Even if you are only a part time resident a healthy environment should be important to you. The "Eyes" solution: close down the sewer and start over again, and this time do it right.

Got lights?

Power outages seem to be getting more frequent, and some people are starting to get a bit pissed off at the power company and their shitty infrastructue........ but hold on now, in these latest incidences it's not the tangle of wires causing the problem... the lights are being turned off on purpose to try and coerce the delegacion to pay the power bills they have run up keeping the sewer pumps half operating. When they went "operational" with the system they forgot that the pumps take electricity and the bills need to be paid with money that no one delegated for the purpose. Until the town comes up with the dough it can be expected that there will be more and longer outages to come.

beware

They are returning. Already, the influx has begun. After a glorious few months of limited ignorance from the washed masses, they have been spotted. The part timers are coming back. Run, swim fly away if you can! For the rest of us it's another round of people you don't know welcoming YOU back. The discussions will slowly move into the listings of their material things. "I have 200 acres in vermont, my gold stock is up, and my kids are on the honor roll. (which in this day and age means they are mildly above illiterate.) And what the hell!, my cleaning woman wants 50 pesos an hour now, can you believe that?! Eventually all conversation will link back to real estate holdings. I own this, i own that. Another conversation nexus will be how expensive everything here is. (at a fifth of the price of up north) Other recurring subject matters will be how lazy the mexicans are, (as they recline on their plastic chairs, swilling cocktails), or the state of affairs in the usa or canada. (where?) Each returning couple will also increase vehicle traffic by at least 4. Including the new SUV, the quad, the scooter and two new bicycles.(though not actually ever personally used) The local indiginous will be assaulted by the latest spanglish learned on-line. The local message bored will be assailed with the same requests from previous years. Where do i get a car seat for my kid? What time are the buses? Will someone give me a ride to/from the airport? And then the groups will start up. dance, painting, yoga, the girly mens club (manly girls club), to name a few. (it would be interesting if that was just one group) Some of the milestones to be on the lookout for: 6 guys named Dave, 14 buses in a row with Quebec plates. Gringo bar opens (with the same old no service philosophy), the redneck mothers perform, the number of restaurants hits 25. Some ass starts his quest for 'lovers of fine food.' People wearing berkenstocks. Old fat farts dancing at the euro beach bar. (fortunately due to a public outcry, a fence has been installed).Someone picking up dog poop on the beach. The list seems endless.
We can hardly wait...

dumb ass messages

We're looking for the best (worst?) dumb assed message on our local bored. We won't count the barra site on the tomzap zone as it is a lagoon of lunacy. They sure do seem to have the best nut bars there. Here the best so far (we think) is the one searching for AA info. They are sure to add that it's not for them but for some other person. The problem is that they name that person! No surprise there, but so much for anonymous. Honorable mention to all those folks who tell others to go back home when they don't like what's being said. (strangely the same people who tend to spout off about unity and togetherness) Practically all the fat fucked up american women (and their toadying sycophants) in town seem to have spouted this bigoted shit over the years. And no, we are not leaving, this is our home. Okay then, anybody got a good one send it in.

Poor Mexican junior high students forced to park on the street!!

Sad in this day and age but local children are parking their various vehicles right on the street! Please help however you can for a student parking lot.

Where is it?

It's in the air (pee-yew)

La Manz has finally been receiving some rain this month, not much, but some. The place would be in deep shit if it hadn't, a golf course to keep watered next winter and all. Yet,there has been enough rain that it's in deep shit Now! The storm drain/sewer is flowing, not like a fountain as in the past, but flowing. Those little holes in the top of the man hole covers are spewing more than run off water, making the odor around the jardine (and elsewhere)...well, not exactly like the scent of a fresh ocean breeze. People were warned of the conversion and not to flush until december, but I guess some people have to learn the hard way, so now they're smelling their own shit, as well as everyone elses. Another possible reason so many people never come down off the hill.

It's in the wires

Everyone who has lived in La Manz. is aware of the pitiful infrastructure for water, electricity, and of course sewer. We have all learned to live with power outages, no water and the smell of shit, but there seems to be something more sinister coming from the power lines other than no electricity.

Several people around town, all of whom spend much of their time in the same approximate location are coming down with the symptoms of a mild stroke, and in some instances have actually been diagnosed as having a stroke. This location seems to be in a vortex of strange electrical problems, power surges and outages that aren't effecting any where else in town.

Now since strokes are not a physical malady that can be spread by coughing on someone, the coincidence that several people are experiencing these symptoms is disconcerting. The power company claims there is nothing wrong with their system and that this kind of ailment from electric wires is impossible. However something is blowing up TV's and computers and might well be affecting peoples heads too.

                                                         its in your pants

The infamous Lamanz curse on couples has once again rolled into town on the ragged skirt tails of hurricane tiger woods. At least 3 couples have been infected in the last few weeks. Years of marital (ahem) bliss trashed apon the shore of some young mexican mother (or father) of 4. So much for playing the fool for all of ones life. Extensive collateral damage due to the advanced age of the victim couples. One might think only lawyers and politicians were victims but real people have also been harmed. The latest 3 or 4 cases share essentially the same tragic tale. Folks are spewing out the same litany of reasons (excuses) for the deluge. As are the participants. The ecological perspective, popular with the west coast crowd, takes aim at the weather mainly. rain, no rain, HAARP, comets etc. There are the social and economic slant (popular with the college educated (sic) and east coasters. (apologies to Canadians who may think those two terms are opposites) Times are tough, culture is collapsing, that kind of shit. The spiritual realm popular in the mid west (and Mexico). Basically, some voodoo doodoo booboo stuff. This includes the 2012 loon bags. Also, the psychology (there is no...) dogma. Mid life crises, men, women alpha types yadda yadda yadda. As usual, health officials have no answer, but have given the go-ahead to aerial spraying. Unfortunately it is also a no win for local singles as the pool is pollutedly diluted. The winner (?) may only be one of the numerous gigolo Mexican lads or lassies that are now seen hovering around certain mountain-side homes like dogs around trash cans.

house review of the month (or its insane)

The only thing that truly can be said about this months house is WOW! The only thing that could justify the exhorbitant amount being asked is that there is a gold mine in the basement. Located in a viewless, breezeless residential development of like minded pieces of crap, it is clearly one of the gems of the 'notorious three'. Resembling a vertical trailer home it has numerous small cramped rooms stacked one apon the other. If it had the right roof lines it would resemble a Japanese pagoda, and that would make it a lot more pleasing to the eye. The eclectic use of different styles and materials makes it look like the builder was always in a quandry about what to do next. Or halucinating on some exotic drug. Sitting on a lot not much bigger than a postage stamp, it manages to squeeze in a small pool and a mini pagoda which houses the guest closet. Before considering purchasing, check the assay reports on the basement mine.

 it's in your hands

  We gladly will post up anything you care to send in. Via email, we won't use names. 

sick, dying, dead, vindictive, and a chance to get out

Wild woman loose in La Manz.

Upon learning from a third party that her gringo boyfriend didn't want to see her again and wanted her out of his life, the woman quickly went berserk, and no one wanted to be in her path. Her boyfriend, who has put himself in self impossed exile (albeit in the arms of another) left her in charge of his dive in La Manzanilla, and by not calling her or sending emails or any type of communication had hoped she would get the message and split. When this failed to work he sent word to her through a mutual aquantance that as far as he was concerned their relationship was over.

The messenger barely escaped with his life as beer bottles smashed against the wall just above his head. He didn't stick around to witness the further carnage. Noise of things smashing, along with yelling and cursing went on for some time.

Word spread rapidly that beer and booze would be gratis at the dive until it ran out. There were many takers and the party was on; mischief, vandalism, and other forms of debauchery became the acceptable behavior. Early the next morning when the liquor was all but gone and the noise had reached a crescendo the cops finally arrived to break up the party. After some lap-dancing, no one was carted off to jail.

However, this woman was still pissed off, and with the aid of her many non gringo boyfriends, started selling off all her now ex boyfriends possessions that were left behind and not destroyed, as well as anything not bolted down. Friends of her ex boyfriend, all in her mind, became conspirators and now had to worry about the safety of their possesions and maybe even them selves.... all have been maintaining a low profile.

With only a few days left on the rent of their apartment, the land lord upon learning the exboyfriend wasn't going to pay the rent anymore, also used a third party to inform her of the change, possibly also fearful for his safety, as well as the condition his apartment might be left in.

Finally she moved on to her next stop. Rumor has it, Melaque is the spot. Still close enough to wreak some future havoc if the poor sap actually returns. A record number of locks were changed during her spree.

This is your only chance

John Bearsford Tipton Jr., multi national business billionaire extraordinaire has been anonymously visiting La Manz now for many years. He has always enjoyed coming here, finding it beautiful and quaint and always very relaxing. As with many people, he has become appalled at the development over the past few years, and even more appalled at the people responsible for this development. He said (during his last visit) "not only have they fucked the place up with their grandiose constructions, but it turns out that most of the greedy bastards only built them to sell for huge profits".

     The economic crash has severely slowed more construction and pretty much killed the real estate market, but these white elephants are still up for sale and for the most part not a dollar less than the original asking price. Tipton said "It's hard to believe that these people are that stupid, economic crisis aside, and that there would be a wave of people even more stupid to come along and pay the outrageous prices for the crap they have put up." He continued, "As much as I hate to do it, I'm going to give these assholes a deal I hope they won't refuse."

     The deal....one day, with in the next month or two, Tipton will offer full asking price for all La Manz. properties listed in local real estate offices. Response time will be short! Once he has taken ownership, he will restore the environment, starting with the hills. A lottery of some sort will be set up allowing the locals to strip the structures of anything they want, and then they will be knocked down. A team of engineers will then determine the best way to restore the enviroment, and along with local and federal officials, find the best use for the rubble. The same process will then be used for the beach properties. Those properties located in town will be decided on an individual basis as to their fate.

    There will be one condition apon sale. The seller will agree to leave and never return to La Manz. Tipton said, "if any of these jerks thinks they can take the money and come back, they are definately underestimating the wrath and reach of a billionaire. They will wish they hadn't."

Good Idea

-From an email we received. -
Having just read the call for a gringo support group on La Manz's infamous message board, I was amazed that something of importance was there and not the usual drivel. I was also amazed how few people responded; maybe not many folks take seriously this opinionated, controlled form of media.

However, if you are without family here (and you would be surprised how quickly your so called friends will bail on you when forced with serious inconvienence) this group is worthy of consideration. The message was a call for a list of people willing to help out single folks in times of medical emergencies.

If you have ever been in a mexican hospital... you know. If you haven't you can't imagine. If they ever write a novel about mexican hospitals, it could be entitled "As the Cluster Fucks". This type of situation is hard to endure on your own. Now don't get me wrong, mexican hospitals for what they do, are probably as good as any, but what they do is take care of what ails you, but little else. They expect family members to take care of you and little things you might not think about; dump the bed pan, keep you supplied with toilet articles, call the nurse of needed, etc. etc., as well as moral support. An example everyone will understand. You're stuck a in bed with little mobility and your cell phone battery needs charging and you can't reach the plug, or worse it runs out of time.... who is going to get you more?

Sure, visiting the hospital isn't fun but being a patient isn't a barrel of laughs either. A support group takes the burden off one or two people (if you are lucky enough to have them) and spreads it to the group, so no one person has to endure daily treks to the hospital.

If you think this is a lousy idea wait until you get sick, so sign up now and get this group up and rolling. Nobody is getting any younger, and whats best... it doesn't cost anything.

Gato dog gone

The list of poisoned dogs has a new member. Late last week "Gato" - the James Dean (Fonzie?) of the local dog community - fell victim to this recurring strangeness. Friend to all school age kids, Gato was on many an afternoon hunting safari. 'Tanke' as he was also known (as well as black dog and get the hell out of here) would spend most days lying on some ones floor probably dreaming of some other floor to lie on. Or he would be doing the rounds of the friendly restaurants, the pool hall, the club, and gonzales pizza shop and numerous other shops and businesses. Also a regular at rodeos from here to Hidalgo, Gato would wow the crowd with his fearless assaults on the sleepy bulls. A multi time daddy (before the operation) Gato was a role model for his many offspring. Tough but not a bully Gato would tred the hot spots without fear. The goon dogs never got the best of him. Gato made a home where ever he went or, more precisely, every where he went was his home.

Tales of his various adventures were shared this last week apon the hearing of the loss. In his honor these strange folks marched up and down the main street, pissing on posts, eating out of garbage cans, drinking out of puddles and laying down under plastic tables. And other things like bum smelling and tic and flea chewing. One of our group caught up with this strange event as it was occuring.

EYE: Why are you pooping on the street?

Strange person #1: (no response as he walks away)

strange person#2:It's to honor the dog's time with us. A chance to share our grief and a chance to remember the good times I guess. Just to be with people at this time is important in itself. (lies down on the street)

Strange person #3: (poking through a garbage can) Actually i didnt know him, I'm just a cheap Canadian. Look at this chicken bone (holds it up proudly) theres lots of good meat still on it. (chomps it down)

EYE: Okay then, is it safe to assume that Canadians and dirty street dogs share some similarities like we have been told?

SP#2: Well, they're really the same thing, don't you think, Dave? (motioning to SP#1)

SP#1: Certainly. I would say more the same than different, Dave. (Lies down)

EYE: (picks up a stick and throws it) Fetch boy.

SP#1: Hahahahahahaha (doesn't move)

SP#2: Ummm, we don't do those dog exploitation tricks.

EYE: Sit!

(they all get up)

EYE: Errr, stay?

(they all stroll off down the street.)

Though Gato may be gone, there are, apparently, enough Canadians to take up the slack.

Gato in one of his many offices

bring out your dead

Many folks have reached 'full maturity' lately. The list is extensive. At least 6 in the last month or so. So in keeping with the somber tone of the cure for all diseases that has swept through town, we announce the dead pool. A thrilling monthly event to celebrate life.A small entrance fee (50 pesos)and your guess as to who will be the first local to drop off that month. Winner take all. If a winner for a certain month isnt picked the money carries over. All votes can be made through the comment section or by email. All full timers and part timers are within the reach of this pool. It's not necessary that one cashes in his chips right here. As long as the winner has some good solid connection to the town. All predictions must come before the first death of the month. So put on your thinking caps and come up with the winner for the month of September. Murders are excluded as the option gives most americans too many nefarious ideas. Suicides (the sincerest form of self criticism) are always welcome.

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Join us now -classes are filling up. Don't be left out.

The La Manzanilla Alternative School to Yoga and Painting.

-Horse shoe lessons are pretty much full with a waiting list. We are presently interviewing new instructors in order to expand this popular program.

- Cuss and slang spanish is almost full too. Hurry up in order to avoid disapointment, cabron!

- Learn bridge the complicated way. All spaces are still available.

- Ego tour and house sitting seminars both have a number of openings left.

remember the season is almost upon us and you wouldn't want to be left out in the cold with nothing but water colors and glorified twister without the dots.