mud guns and soap

What's up with the weather?

    The folks of Lamanz were looking up in amazement and awe at the rain falling from the sky. not that they are not used to a torrent of this magnitude but not during the 1st week of july. almost 6 " of the stuff fell in the morning hours of the 2nd. Turning roads and streets into rivers of water - most at depths well above the ankles. To add to this problem, it continued to rain, sometimes quite ferrociously. Needless to say the village looked like it was just innundated by a tropical storm. Many of the older locals are saying that this the way it used to be. Maybe we are finally into a cycle which they consider normal. If this is true, and the rain continues to fall like this for the summer and summers to come, the results are going to create a situation far from normal for many of the newer residents.

    The roads into the hills have returned to the arroyos that they used to be, and they were all flowing quite well. Nothing less than an army tank could have negotiated those slopes.

    When the rain let up enough and the main paved streets of the village had finally drained, the mud that was left behind left no trace that the street below was in fact paved. The mud and water and debris that flowed into the ocean turned at least half the bay the color of baby shit. And speaking of shit (!) many of the folks who haved hooked up to the sewer have failed to heed the notion that during the rainy season the sewer becomes a storm drain. This also flowed quite smoothly. As did the turds of those who flushed.

    The rain has now stopped and it has really stopped. Not a drop in 2 weeks. The heat and humidity is now unbearable (dammit!!!!) The town is full of dust again and the population all look like coal miners with the dust sticking to their sweat soaked skin and clothes.

Hide your contraband

    The army has been cruising about the town recently in their humvee with a full contingent of armed soldiers.... they are not out joy riding!! There has already been several instances where they come knocking at the door (gringo and Mexican alike). With several automatic weapons pointed at you, it's best to wave your right to a search warrant. It has been found that good tequila and large denomination bills can lessen their search and your ensuing damages. Small quantities of illegal substances will usually be overlooked apon paying a large on the spot fine and of course donating said substances to the hard working crew in the back of the truck. The army is making no comment as to why they are doing this, or what they are looking for. Our advice... don't get caught with something you shouldn't have.

eye hear you

Mjinga:  I just got a new job.... my friend up in the next town has a lot of these sattelite boxes and he wants me to sell and install them. They're way better than what you can get here.

Mrs. Mjinga: What the hell do you know about installing satellite boxes?

Mjinga: Whats to know? You stick up a box on the dish, point the dish in the right direction, run some wires and plug it in. Any idiot could do it.
Mrs.M: Well if that's the case. I guess it would be just the job for you.

M:  I'm going to need an assistant, as I can't "tweek" the dish and read the incoming strength on the t.v. at the same time. Do you want to help?

Mrs.M: hmm um well... blow it out yer ass.

    several days later.

Mjinga: I already have 3 orders. So do you want to come to work with me? I know you"re always looking for a way to make a few bucks.

Bangi: I don't know.... you are certainly right, I could use the money, but are you sure you know what you are doing?

Mjinga: Give me a break. This is so simple. Its like taking candy from a baby.

Bangi: Oh, all right then. let's do it.

    the first stop

Mjinga: Okay Bangi,  this is going to be super easy. Every thing is already set up... all we have to do is change the box and, just to be sure, I'll "tweek" the dish. I feel the signal strength could be higher.

Bangi: I dont know, the picture looks pretty good to me. why do we need to 'tweek' it?

M: Because we can make it better, now do your job and read out the numbers and tell me when it gets to 40. but yell loud enough so i can hear you.

B: Okay it's at 42 but there is no picture!

M: What do you mean?! 'You' lost the picture?

B: I mean it's a blank screen. No picture, no signal, no nada! 

M: What the fuck? I dont get this? What the fuck?! i guess I'll just have to phone my buddy and ask him what the problem is. I'm sure it's his fault anyways. Let's go do the next one in the meantime. It will be easier too, since we are starting from scratch. There was probably something out of whack here before we started...

B: But it was working..

M: Don't give me any shit. Now grab those tools and lets go.

    2nd site.

Mjinga: there's a perfect spot. Up there on the corner of the roof. I will set up the dish and you go get the rest of the stuff and meet me up there.

Bangi: Do you have a compass and a level? i don't see one here but luckily I brought both with me. See I read the manual and..

M: Quit being such a pain in the ass... I don't need to read no stinkin' manual... I told you I know what im doing. Now do what I told you to do.

    4 hours later.

B: the signal is weak! There is no trace of a picture! How are you going to make money at this if it takes this long to 'not 'make an installation, maestro?

M: Look .... I'm tired of your shit. I'm doing the best i can, jeez. Lets pack it in for the day. I will call my buddy and find out what he has to say.

B:  Can i get paid ?

M;  Well no, not until I get paid.

B:  Shit,that could take some time. I don't imagine people paying you for blank screens. I better quit. Remember you owe me for a days work.

    later that evening.

M: I just talked to my buddy and was he mad at me.

Mrs.M:  Why? Just because his shit apparatus doesn't work, it's not your fault. The asshole.

M:  Ummm, well it was kind of.... Apparently there is a code that needs to be put in the box before i set it up or it shuts down the whole system.

Mrs M: Apparently??? What do you mean, apparently? Didn't he tell you about this?

M: No. Apparently it's in the manual.

Mrs M:  And you didn't read it did you?

M: Yeah i did so, kind of... a bit.

Mrs.M: Well, at least it's not that big of a deal, You can fix it tomorrow. Here, have another tequila.

M: Uhh it actually is a big deal. He says  he had to call his server up north to get the units back online, and what he's doing here aint exactly on the up and up. If his server figures it out, he's out of business.

Mrs M: You sure do find the most interesting work.

    the next day.

Mental health day.

    the day after.

Nyonga:  Well, so far this has gone pretty smoothly. 2 signals up and running in just 2hours.

Mjinga: We have one more and we can call it a day. It shouldn't take much more than an hour.

    3rd site.

Udhika: Now, how long is this going to take and what are you charging me for the installation?

Mjinga: It will take less than 2 hours and the standard installation cost is 250.

Udhika: Okay that sounds reasonable. I have things to do here later, in about 4 hours, and I want it done by then.

    3 hours later.

Nyonga: Still no strong signal! Barely any reception at all. Did you level the base properly? The manual said to...

M: What's with you fuckin guys and your manual?!!  Just do what i say , and don't read any more manual shit. Give me that book!

Udhika: (just arriving) Hey! whats happening up there? I need you guys out of here in about an hour.

M: Just a couple more minutes and we're done. Hey Nyonga, hold down the fort while i go get a level.

    1.5 hours later.

Nyonga: Hey that's damm fine reception. Amazing how that works when you read the manual.

Mjinga: Oh, shut the fuck up and clean up this mess, before that guy blows his stack.

N:  There's one thing i don't get. You get 250 pesos for the installation and you pay me 75 pesos an hour. How do you make money on this deal?

M: I will just charge him more. You know ... complications made it more difficult.

N: Yeah... I'm sure that'll work.... by the way, next time you want an assistant... don't call me.






Thats it for this episode.  oh, one more thing, we here at the 'eye' have just learned that we have a celebrity living right here amongst the expat community. The original poster girl for dumb blonde jokes.