In the La Manzanilla store

 

In keeping with the Canadian cultural tradition of one store for every 5000 Canadians.

'there were nuts, nuts filling in the ruts in the store, in the store...'

 

    Well, they're back (officially- according to everyone's assessment...) kissing, hugging and telling each other how much they missed them-  even though half of them are neighbours from up north- and of course, spouting, spewing and gushing the usual bull shit about how they spent their summers. Tis the season for those with a keen appreciation for the absurdity of life, to be in their element. The hills are alive with the sounds of clanking, clunking brains churning out schemes, in the name of being helpful or to otherwise belittle and upset the locals' way of life. All in the name of showing them the correct gringo way of living. The 21st century is getting its foot in the door here quick enough without a bunch of do-gooder gringos trying to speed it up. Some of these schemes are purely ingenious; seasoned comedy writers would be hard pressed to come up with this kind of material. Let's donate cloth diapers to all the young mothers, so the environment won't be befouled by all those shit-covered disposables. Their plan however, failed to provide for a method of laundering the said diapers. One can easily foretell that the environment will soon be soiled with shit-covered nappies (thanks to the street dogs who proudly move them about). Another plan, called for the planting, all over town, of fruit and nut trees so that, when they matured, the village hungry would have something to eat (although, one might notice that that's the case anyways.) One group, which set up various sales, promotional events, and sundry nonsense, with all profits dispersed to the needy (at least in their eyes), found themselves besieged by the so-called needy banging on their doors looking for handouts. "I need new clothes cause I can no longer get these around my ever expanding girth"...or, "my truck needs a (new) muffler." It got so bad they had to switch gears and started using their resources to help the poor down and out dogs and cats around town. Not surprisingly, donations increased and profits soared as the good gringo population of the town were far more sympathetic to the plight of these helpless beasts than its people. However this was short-lived as they were stepping on the toes of other more entrenched do-gooder gringos who had long ago staked out the dogs and were not interested in competition. A not-so-charitable rivalry began which almost came to blows until one group backed down. One can hardly wait to see what the next high-minded idea will be. Maybe, painted crosswalks to save lives? Its really amazing how many folks feel compelled to be part of the "community." The question is... what community? And are their motives to help or look magnanimous to their peer group. Or, are they just feeling a twinge of guilt-  living here while displaying all the conspicuous consumption that is so at their hollow core? A black hole that sucks all in, forever. We may never know.


 

'there were flies, flies swarming round the pies in the store, in the store... '

 

 

    Immigration officials finally get around to cleaning out the waste-of-our-time folks sponging off the other waste-of-our-time folks, who can never seem to get enough of all things amerikan. Or canuckian, for that matter. As one gringa was quoted "I make more money here than up north!" Is there going to be a future without pointless feel-good events for those who just don't feel good enough as it is, here in this haven of good feelings? (It would certainly make some feel good). Overhearing the latest plans by the pters to save this or run that (into the ground) or teach us all what is healthy, wealthy and correct makes one feeling rather sickly, poorly and wrong. And now they are being hunted down or prodded from their precarious pedestals. Scattering about like cock roaches they are desperately searching out a new shady shelter to hide their lucre. Will we be seeing community share programs opening up, or more likely bitcoin like exchanges. And the old 'donations accepted' ploy will surely be revived. Or even secret midnight reflexology workshops? And what about the church of flower pot painting?

     

'There are nobs, nobs behaving just like slobs in the store, in the store...'
 

 

A local speciality store, catering to gringo tastes is in its hey-day with the return of its choosy clientele. Profits are up, but at a price-  the putting up with whining cheap-ass gringos feeling forced to pay what they consider exorbitant prices, just so they won't have to eat like ugh Mexicans. The complaints are never ending... Some examples: the lawyer who threatened to sue unless properly compensated-  it seems he is a vegetarian and bought a slice of vegi pizza to take home and eat. The unfortunate soul ate a piece of sausage that was accidentally on his fresh slice from the meat lovers' other half of the pie. To hear him rant and rave, it would seem that this was a near death experience. Then, there was the woman who returned a container of couscous she had bought the previous day saying it was no good. The proprietor took a taste and told her that there was nothing wrong with it, so what is the problem. 'Well" she said, "it doesn't taste like the kind I buy at Costco." As the season continues this kind of absurdity will thrive, again making us all wonder if it is really worth it?  The answer of course is a resounding YES. The wealth of blog fodder that would be lost is too great.  

'my brain is dim i must proclaim...'

 

 We fully expect the messyboard messys to become more extreme. Such as: bano surprise. First time in years I've had a hard shit here... picture included. Why is it that so many folks need to publicly proclaim their rather minuscule opinion on some non-issue. It's like hiring the announcement truck to express one's personal view. Give thanks that they at least charge.  Can you imagine.... attention attention- Linda nobody thinks its time to get dog poop off the beach, or Dave whofukincares thinks fireworks are loud.

'i have not brought my phrase book with me...'

    Well, its happened again, another (!) sure sign of the start of tourist season. 3 or 4 gringos assassinating the Spanish language with what can only be described as a passion. We have heard a whole verbal interaction in Spanish. Okay, not a whole interaction but at least the first 2 or 3 statements. Then it's a blitzkrieg of half Spanglish gobble de gook that makes sense to neither the Mexicans nor the gringos. And yet... they carry on. 'mucho busy in canada.' ' No trabajor this ano.' ' I'm here for tres mesas.' For someone here trying to learn as much of the language as possible, this is cause for confusión or alarm. Or, for those finally hoping to speak some English, a serious letdown, as it's some espanolish gibberish ludicrousity.

'i have not brought... my ideas... with me!'

    For those that want more. After shaking our heads in disbelief, all that can be said is, send in your stories, notions etc to our email.  We've run out of ideas and since we actually live in the wilds of Wisconsin, we don't know what's happening down there. Íf it wasn't for cuz'n Dave, or social media scanning, we  truly would have no clue.






 

the crime of the scene

new public toilets to be installed around town

Welcome back.



every solution breeds more problems 

 

  Cracked out drug addicts invade local home. Fresh from their northern sentence, a couple of nobs were recently robbed at machete point in their own home in broad day light. Fortunately no one was hurt and the objects taken are easily replaced. Unfortunately the insanity of the drug induced actions of some of our locals is getting more and more 'in yer face'. With the casual acceptance of a known drug dealing house is it any wonder? Although certainly the house doesn't cause it. There has also been numerous other robberies and people finding strangers sneaking about and on their properties. Interestingly enough, these stories seem to not exist. We don't want to scare the tourists away, and we do live in heaven so it just cant happen here.  No, no, no. Needless to say, many rental suites will now come with some form of defence mechanism. dog, baseball bat, gun, or machete.

Vigilance pays off

there is always an easier way to do it

 

     Manuel sits everyday on the edge of the lagoon, out by the beach, perched on an old stump. Contemplating the universe we're assured. However, he is not just day dreaming. He's keeping watch, and doing a damn fine job of it too. As attested by a recent visitor from Melaque who was here for the day. As he was walking the edge of the lagoon on his way to the beach he was quite surprised and panic stricken when a fairly large croc made a quick exit from the lagoon and appeared headed straight for him. Before he could shit or get off the pot Manuel was there. Armed with a palm palapa and a coconut he adroitly intercepted the beast and diverted him away. The visitor made a hasty retreat. The croc however continued his assault, only now on Manuel. Snapping its jaws while attempting  to grab a leg, the battle raged. But Manuel was adept and skilled in the art of  palapa croc dancing. He kept him at bay, until he could get a well placed shot with the coconut. Finally he connected right on the crocs snout. This convinced the croc to return to the lagoon. As typical in the retelling of the story the croc grew in size from a meter to a whopping 5 meters and scooting across the beach at a amazing 20 to 30 k.m.h. Manuel does admit that it was no baby as he returned to his watch. A week later and it's all daydreaming as the lagoon was opened and Manuel is pretty well out of business. Of course, he warns us that he sees a lot of crocs swimming in the ocean. Likely an attempt to clean off a seasons worth of accumulated shit that has been encrusting them for a year. Palapa fronds are less effective in the ocean, so watch out swimmers.

Savouring the words

never sleep with one crazier than yourself

 

    With the sheer quantity of less than savoury characters in our midst it is interesting to note the arrival of the saviour of these losers. The @#%*# lawyer. The self proclaimed path of the deliverer has somehow brought him here. How and why we don't know, other than self congrats and a quiet place to finish his book and movie. Likely a Broadway show later on. The citizen unsavoury amongst us will find a man perfectly fit to defend the defenceless. If it's the same old argument, that they are nuts, then we do have a pack of wanting clients.

 The cure all for bug bites.

any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way 

 

    Finally. Well ya gotta bleach it, or put heat on it, or cold. Wait, sorry but it's lemon or salted something or other. Heating being optional. No, it's booze. Various application methods. I tell ya, its a loofah pad, Rub excessively and vigorously. Or better yet, shaving is the answer. No you simply  don't go out at dusk or dawn. In fact just remain indoors. Don't forget to wear burka type attire. I'm sure its various fruits and vegetables herbs and spices, applied in various ways. Wrong, it's drugs and other pharmaceuticals or corporate bug spray. Nope, it's a tea bag application ( if you know what we mean.) You fools , it's toothpaste. No, all wrong it's simply don't scratch and shut up. What?, its yoga stupid. or is that yogurt? Almost, but it is what you eat, or not. Ahhh, you just use some household staple. Don't have dogs, cats or chickens. Don't sweat. Get a direct flight to some polluted city. Die.

La Manz scores big

if enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods

 

    Recent studies conducted by the Jalisco dept of highways have given Lamanz top billing in the state for many of the categories they gather statistics on. And that's no small amount. All statistics are on a per capita basis which probably is the reason Lamanz scored so high....after all it's not that big. Despite the ridiculous amount of pters who clearly are really big and important. 



    The first top score is for the greatest number of privately owned motor vehicles per household. (cars trucks motor cycles scooters atv's etc)

    The next is for the greatest amount of kilometres driven while covering the shortest distance.

    In the next category, Lamanz's score was off the charts. Greatest amount of unregistered vehicles operating on public roads.

    The final high mark goes for the greatest number of unlicensed and underage drivers operating vehicles on a regular basis. Lamanz just barely squeaked out first place in this one.

    All in all, Lamanz did take top honours in four categories which in itself is the greatest for any community in the state. Lamanz ... you are the greatest. Or so we have been told.

 

 

Annual migration blues

 

never argue with a fool - people might not notice the difference 



    Fear and panic, as well as loathing. and yes, love are sweeping across our local community as the babble has moved to 'when they will be arriving? '. Some are firmly still in denial as they push aside any concern stating that it's really not until December, and anyways with the economy bla bla bla. Others are proud almost that they have the definitive list of arrival dates for practically every single person. Some others are simply packing up now and heading up north where at least our pters wont be! So there! Then there are the few that are stocking up on goods that they can sell to the pters at unreasonably inflated prices. Many others are desperately searching for anyone to bring down some item unavailable here.  A few  are swimming in their beer wondering where all the time has gone, Sniff, sniff. And those across the table are counting the seconds until some new people arrive to talk to. (anyone, please!) And finally,(for now) others are excited and thrilled as the tourists bring business. Or at least something new to laugh about.
 

 

 

 

Oh no, not again, again.

men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted

 

 

    Sorry, but yes, It's getting close to that time of year again. This is the announcement of the nominations for the most pathetic character of the year! Imagine a wild cheering audience. Where has the time gone? As usual, the list is already quite extensive. Remember we are always  accepting nominations for this prestigious award via our email, or comment section. .

want ads revisited

you have taken yourself too seriously

 

 Help. I am a loser drunk who needs some surgery on my leg. I promise to tell everyone I know about how great you are until my surgery is complete and I've had a few.

Looking to sell fancy canoe (or some other item) for a price I couldn't dream of actually getting in Canada or the states. Slightly damaged but still has fancy name on side.

looking for labourers to work at half price and smile. Blindly nodding, while I bad mouth you to various gringos about your shoddy work and exorbitant prices, would be an asset.

As the curved sides of the bowl distort the fishes' view of reality

    You unlock this door with the key of anal retention. Beyond it is another dimension, a dimension of fright, a dimension of lying. You are moving into a land of both shadow and ... well, more shadow. Of things, but not ideas. You've just crossed over into the La Manzanilla zone.

 

New enterprise starting up. We fully expect this to be the first of a fleet. 

 

 

smarkass

"it is almost impossible to buy decent tackle on a philosophers salary"

    Lamanz has lately been blessed with a visit from the smartest man in the world. (again) Sure, you might say you haven't been around lately so how is it possible? Well, he told us. Also mentioned numerous times and at nauseam.. was a brief tryst with some poor local woman who probably had been bamboozled at first by his use of three syllable words, though according to him, it was his fantastic sexual prowess (that he had kept to himself for the previous 10 years). Interestingly, despite his claimed Kama Sutra-like skills, the local woman has been vainly attempting to distance herself from any reminder of what more likely may have been one drunken night. This led into him accusing one and all of ignorance beyond anything imagined. His social theories seem to evolve from the notion that the US is the womb of all civilisations on earth and nothing existed before it. You would be a mindless fool to think otherwise. And if you are not God-fearing, gun toting American you simply wouldn't understand. This thin clone of alex jones spent all his time here beering and spouting the theories he has garnered from the Internet. Clearly lacking any listening skills (whatsoever!!!) he has stated loudly and drunkenly that all here are raging imbeciles unworthy of his divine presence. Fortunately for us idiots he has returned to his native land for a few months. Let us enjoy our idiocy in peace.

 

 

mud sliding

"guests, like fish, begin to smell after 3 days"

                                   the continuing story of the gentrification of La Mansionilla
 

At the bar.

Carlos- Oh shit here comes trouble.
Elmore- What the fuck are you talking about?
Carlos- It's Two, and she's heading this way and doesn't look happy.
Two storms in
Two- I can't find my bikini bottom, Did I leave it here?
Carlos -(gagging) No, I haven't seen it, it's not here.
Bob - (Looking up from his computer) You had it on yesterday when you came out of the water. I remember you putting your skirt on over it so it probably isn't here.
Elmore- So where the fuck did you end up this morning?
Two- I was at home and don't give me any shit.
Bob- So how did you get home? Did you stop anywhere after here?
Two- I don't remember. And you don't give me any shit either. Carlos can I have a bloody Mary?
Bob- Hey Elmore I just got an email for you.
Elmore- So who the fuck would be sending me a fucking email?
Bob- It's Lenard, he's flying in in two days and wants you to pick him up at the airport. He says he'll buy all the beer.
Carlos- Holy shit. Lenard will be here in two days. I've got to get this placed cleaned up.
Elmore- You had all fucking summer to clean this place up, but you were too fucking lazy. Now you're going to have to fucking hire someone and pay them out of your own fucking pocket. You can also tell fucking Lenard that there is no fucking way I'm going to any fucking airport. Fuck him.
Bob- Here use my computer and tell him yourself, he's probably still on line.
Elmore - You know full fucking well that I don't fucking know shit about fucking computers. You fucking do it and I will buy you a fucking beer.
After a few moments.
Bob- Okay Elmore, here's your reply. Lenard says he's bringing a bunch of goodies down and the extra charges are more than the ticket. So he needs your truck. Besides the beer, he says he will throw in a hooker.

what's in a name
"one fish two fish red fish blue fish...say what a lot of fish there are"



    The local chapter of the house of Dave has announced 3 new members. Chatty Dave was proud to add that that brought their total to 34. Clearly the highest name count not counting the locals. The new nicknames will be Can´t stop reliving my childhood Dave, Ogles thirteen year olds Dave and Arrogant bastard Dave. In order to avoid the predictable confusion, a new policy will be implemented wherein all Dave's will be wearing labels starting in November. Not to be out done, Itsallaboutme Linda from the house of Linda has announced a similar policy change.

ink on a gentleman's agreement

"if the fish had not opened its mouth, it would not have been caught"



    "I will pay you 10,000 pesos a month until its paid off. I can't afford 10,000 so I will pay you 500 a week. no, wait, 500 a month. Actually, since my kid totalled it, I never said I would buy it. You actually...uhmmm, 'rented' it to ...uhm-  my kid. Where is it now? Uhm... i sold the wreck of that quad that you sold me, oops, rented to my kid. No, wait, I didn't sell it, someone just came by and picked it up from out in front of my place. It wasn't in your name anyways, and who's going to pay for the injuries to my kid after he drove off the cliff. There wasn't any insurance, how can you 'rent' a vehicle without insurance? And uh, maybe like er there aren't any papers for it. And he almost died from that scraped knee and nobody cares." You are way out of line expecting me to keep a deal. I'm going to drive off now in my new Saturn. I'm putting in a new pool after the garage is finished. That's my story and I'm sticking to it until i have to change it in order for it to make more sense."

   

 

 

 

 

Canadian bar owner tries to lure in any customers with special topless bar pitch. Mentions it to his Mexican employee who misunderstands the concept. Still, magically doubles clientele to 4.

Castles4U
"all men are equal before fish."

    It's been another slow summer news-wise, but a couple of new gringos have settled in with the idea of starting up a business. Oh boy, not another one. Fortunately, it's not another restaurant. What they propose to do has caught our attention though, and we think its worth reporting on. We do have all the time in the world. We were also asked to mention it. Amazing what can be accomplished for one cold beer. The name of their new enterprise is Castles 4U. Quite simply, they will be building small livable castles to fit on the only 'lots' left in town.... the sides of the mountains. They believe that there should be a market with the newer waves of retired upper-crusty gringos coming down. They will want something small and manageable but still with the visual oomph to outdo the neighbours.
    They have come up with a generic design which can be finished to the customers wishes and is easily adaptable to most hillside locations. They also have a number of other innovative ideas they say. They have given us some of the sketches of the basic plans (see below) which we can't make heads nor tails of, but maybe you can. They assured us that anyone with some rudimentary plan reading skills can figure it out. Good luck. Maybe, with all the castles springing up on the hillsides we can become the Bavaria of Mexico. And what's better in a fish bowl than a castle?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

dog daze of summer

 

new sign ideas 

    This new sign was removed after a fierce letter writing campaign by some local Canadian types. 

 

No free ride for Fido

 

    Local restaurateurs have got together and with an unprecedented agreement decided that they have had quite enough of people entering their establishments with their scurvy mutts. ¨What can we do?¨ they opined. ''It's not possible to ban dogs and not offend so many clients.'' It was decided to introduce doggy menus. Any choice the individual establishments decided to do was their choice. Chicken, steak what have you. In fact in some establishments it may be the same menu as what they present to the public. A minimum price per pet would be required upon entrance and if Fido, Poopsie, or Boots doesn't like what's on the menu they can have water. (purified or 'natural') One restaurateur was heard bemoaning how these folks won't even eat local fruits and vegis unless they have been marinated in a sterilizing solution. (Which lately has proven to be carcinogenic in itself.) And yet they will gladly dine amongst packs of flea bitten hounds that have evidently recently rolled around in something long deceased. Another food vendor responded as to how the new rules would be received and said "It won't make a damn difference in the number of dogs but it will give the gringos something new to bitch about. The price of water."

apologies to Theodor Geisel

The sun did shine. It was too hot to play. So we sat in the house All that hot, hot, wet day.
I sat there with boola; we sat there we two. And I said, “How I wish we had something to do!” Too hot to go out and too hot to play ball. So we sat in the house. We did nothing at all. So all we could do was to Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! And we did not like it. Not one little bit. And then something went BUMP! How that bump made us jump! We looked! Then we saw her step in on the mat! We looked! And we saw her! The fat bat in a hat! And she said to us, “Why do you sit there like that?” “I know it is hot and the sun it is sunny. But we can have lots of good fun that is funny!” “I know some good games we could play,” said the bat. “I know some new tricks,” Said the fat hatted bat. “A lot of good tricks. I will show them to you. Your mother will not mind at all if I do.” Then boola and I did not know what to say. Our mother was out of the house. For the day. But the Mexican said, “No! No! Make that bat go away! Tell that fat bat in the hat you do NOT want to play. she should not be here. she should not be about. she should not be here, when your mother is out!” “Now! Now! Have no fear. Have no fear!” said the whacked fat hatted bat. “My tricks are not bad,” Said the fat bat in the hat. “Why, we can have lots of good fun, if you wish, With a game that I call UP UP UP with your mota!” “Put my mota down!” said the Mexican. “This is no fun at all! Put it down!” said the Mexican. “I do NOT wish your clothes to fall!” “Have no fear!” said the bat. “I will not let my clothes to fall. I will hold them up high as I drink all your beer. With your mota in my pocket! And your coins in my purse! But that is not ALL I can do!” said the bat... “Look at me! Look at me now!” said the fat bat. “With your mota and your food in the bottom of my bag! I can drink up TWO beers! I can smoke up all the pot! And a little toy ship! And some tequila on a dish! And look! I can hop up and down on the ball! But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all... “Look at me! Look at me! Look at me NOW! It is fun to have fun but you have to know how. I can take all the pot and the booze and the food!
I can break up the dishes! And puke on the floor! I can call you an asshole And a little boy man! And look! With my wits I can blather away! I can fall down the stairs as I piss in my pants! But that is not all. Oh, no. That is not all...” and off came the clothes and the cursing began ......And that is when we ran, ran, ran, ran.

nobsters in paradise

The nobsters are here. Coming down from the shores of florida or some other hot bed for graft, they have stormed through town like carpetbaggers, scamming, looting, or defrauding any decent person on the street. The list of victims is forever expanding and one would expect a new incident any day. Appearing to be normal retirees they weasel their way into many a pocket book. With a trailer load of scammed shit being towed off by a stolen quad, they have managed to furnish their home with various bits of other peoples stuff. We hope that they have run their course as they have moved away to a near by town. Or it is the hideout. One must be constantly vigilant.

you are owned

The end is near for many a sane fellow who has fled the grate northern prison. Unexplainable lynch mobs of wealthy gringos are on the prowl, desperately trying to find all who have slipped through official cracks.Or those they just don´t like and hope have arrived here without official papers. The mob informs immigration officials and the hunt is on. Numerous long term folks have suddenly become scarce on the streets fearing to be tagged as illegal, and subsequently removed. The simple notion that people are not illegal is beyond them.

Pave paradise, put up a parking lot.



In the morning as the sun was just rising one could smell the fragrance of the flowers. Drawn in closer one saw the anarchic garden in its full glory. The haphazard array of plantings gave it a rustico like charm. Fuck that! Instead, they will build walls of dubious quality and add cement cement cement. Another little loss. then put in some kind of school for the insanity and move on. Nothing to see here.

 

 

What goes around..

 

    Several seasons ago a gringo couple decided to hook up their multi bath roomed edifice to the much heralded sewer system. Located several blocks from the beach, they would become the first connection in that area of town. Friends, neighbors and even strangers all tried to discourage them not to,  seeing as the sewer has proven again and again that it is clearly not the best functioning system, and flushing shit into it would be far more detrimental to the environment than a septic tank. They were however quite adamant about the technology having been caught up in the famous sewer hook up fee scam of yesteryear. They felt it was not only their right but their duty to hook up, especially after they did pay. They did not care that it was a scam nor that it didn't work... they had paid their money and by god they were going to hook up. And so they did and for a long time they were happy as clams flushing away shit, and paper too!

 

sometimes comes back
 

    Just recently, one of their downstairs toilets plugged up. Immediately all flushing resulted in a bigger mess. The plumber (the guy whose dad had some tools for plumbing) diagnosed the problem as a plugged toilet and suggested that they use the other bathrooms until he gets back to find the blockage. Needless to say, he didn't return and soon the other bathrooms started to plug up. When the highest situated one started backing up, a new plumber was called. He (the cousin of the guy whose dad once had some plumbing tools) deduced that there was a plug in the line and the system was completely backed up. This was after a driven stake erupted in a geyser of shit that covered the couples still shiny new SUV. A hotel was now in order as the house was quite unlivable. Needless to say the couple were quite pissed off. Both the delegacion and the ejido were unanimous in stating it was their problem, although they did give them the number of a pumping truck. Reluctantly they called. They paid up front with the guarantee of a finished job. After 2 hours the workers said they couldn't do anything about it and left. The couple were now irate, the bill not withstanding, as they were now totally fucked. It seems that the lid to the closest man hole had broken and the whole thing filled with debris shortly after being installed. and the line from there back to the unfortunates' property is completely jam packed with shit. Don't look for this one to show up in the house of the month any time soon. In other sewer news, the fountain of feces has again begun its seasonal display. Much to the chagrin of the resident crocodiles.

open and close



With the quasi opening of tenacatita the one time guards are now having trouble reintegrating into civil society. One small group recently put up a fence going into Los Ingenios, ready to demand ID and to take away any booze and cameras. Unfortunately nobody cares enough to worry about it. Some people have even tried to bribe them into not allowing anyone out. We can only hope.

new stages of grieving discovered

With all the deaths here, we have discovered that the venerable Kubler Ross list clearly missed out on a couple of the stages of grieving. We feel it is our obligation to add to the well known list (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). These being, the claims to great friendship with what's his-her face, and the avid looting of the deceased possessions. There is also some evidence that suggests a sense of joyous relief at the passing, as well.



 

 house review of the month

This month's house is once again another abomination by one of the notorious 3 gringo builders. The one who thought foundations were for sissies. It sits on the side of a hill hundreds of steps up from a perilously steep road. Another precipitous winding track will take you up to house level that is impassible during rainy season. From this level you descend 2 flights of stairs to the main living floor. This house which is reflective of this builders unimpressive style is all right angles and small cell like rooms. Living and dining rooms must be improvised as there are only a kitchen and 2 bedrooms. The roof top deck does have an impressive view of the bay, but watch that curb when getting to it, as it appears to be an afterthought without any clear access to it. If you don't have any qualms for paying an arm and a leg for a view this place is for you.This may be the last house review as a committee is being set up to eliminate all criticism of houses in lamanz. the new guidelines will be out next month. 

 

 

slidin stompin bashin brainin blues

Semana Santa a bust 

    Reports of rampaging crocodiles on the streets and beaches of La Manz kept the crowds away.

Immigration blues

    For the first time in a very long time the whole gringo population has collectively got something to talk about... the implementation of the new immigration laws. Needless to say, there is widespread agreement ... nobody is happy about them. Now it is harder to obtain permanent or even temporary residency, with new hoops to jump through, as well as costing a lot more money. But the part that really has nobs irked is what has changed regarding their best friends... their vehicles. (when it comes to cars even dogs take a back seat, and here that is saying something) Most, of course, are taking the new rules as a personal affront to their god-given right as gringos to be able to drive their beloved automobiles here without current  registrations, safety inspections etc. Many have operated their vehicles here for over 10 years without ever once queuing up to renew anything. This has long been a privilege which most will not happily auto-mad-glee relinquish. They've enjoyed a  glorious joy ride while the Mexican authorities have looked the other way, allowing them to live here turning a blind eye to the illegal operation of said vehicles. Well, the free ride is over folks, you can no longer have your car and drive it too, without paying the piper.
    Another disturbing immigration change (enforcement) became apparent recently when one gringo made the semi-annual pilgrimage to the border to renew tourist and vehicle permits. This time he was refused outright and was instructed to high-tail it out of the country and not return for another 6 months (yet another long-ignored law that now thanks to computers can be enforced). The new financial requirements for permanent residency are much stiffer causing many long-time residents, who cannot come up with the necessary bucks, to have to leave the country. Expect the gringo stated reasons to be some type of Mexico bashing. One recent victim is our buddy John, author of  "As the Mud Slides", who after 18 years of living in Mexico was refused a visa and told to get out. We are sorry to announce that this issue's episode will be the second to last.

Mud sliding
the continuing saga of the gentrification of La Mansionilla

At the emporium Waldo, the owner, is in conversation with Annette. Annabelle slips in without being noticed.

Annette -Waldo you have a fine store here with all the necessary products from back home. So, how come you don't have employees that speak better English? Its hard to get what you want when you are not here.
Waldo- I know, but I have to hire Mexican employees to stay legal and open. It's hard to find any who are reliable, trustworthy and speak English.
Annette- What about that American owned bakery. They don't have any Mexican employees.
Waldo- I know, I guess because they are American they don't feel that Mexican law applies to them.
Annette- That is weird. Coming from that shit hole country how could they think they are better than anyone?
Annabelle-What the fuck!? (Annette's dog has placed its snout firmly up Annabelle's ass)
Waldo- Who's over there?
Annabelle- What makes you think you can come down here and let your mutt run around unrestrained. I bet you can't do that back in Canada.
waldo- How long have you been here?
Annabelle- Long enough to hear your little tirade about how fucked up Americans are.
Annette- Well, we didn't mean all Americans, some are okay. And for your information there are no leash laws in Mexico.
Annabelle- At least none that you are aware of you stuck up twit. Why don't you go back to Canada and wait the 2 years for the medical procedure to remove that attitude.Oh and by the way you can keep your fucking M&Ms. (she throws them on the floor, and stomps out.)
Waldo and Annette - Fuckin' Americans.

    Meanwhile back at the real estate office...

Wish- Let's have some tequila boys. (He pours out 3 shots. They all drink)
Gary- God damn it Wish, what is this shit? I thought you only got the best?
Ian- Really man, this is some bad assed shit to be giving to guests. I'll need a beer just to wash the taste out of my mouth.
Wish- I don't have any beer.
Gary and Ian in unison- What!!?
Gary- No beer. What the hell is going on here?
Wish- There's no point in having beer if i don't have a fridge. I sold it to buy the tequila.Why don't you drop the price you want for your house and then I may be able to move it and be solvent again for a few months?
Gary- Whats the point of building it if I cant make a hefty profit from it?
Ian- You are never going to get rid of it while that blog exists. We need to get rid of it.
Gary- Look there it's that Wilma chick. She's behind it, I mean she's here all the time and is pretty outspoken.
Wish- Nah, it can't be her. She care takes houses here. Doing the blog would be like shooting herself in the foot.
Ian- She does have a limp. Anyways we need to get our heads together and figure it out.
Wish- Amen to that.
Gary-But in the meantime we should just find someone to blame. It doesn't matter who, as long as we make someone the pariah. Then at least everyone can blame them, and thus everything will be seen as okay and all criticism will be seen as  the drunken opinion of one loser.
All- hmmmmm.

Customs blues

                                                                   
  A while back several plane loads of tourists received a most unpleasant welcome to Mexico. At the Manzanillo airport the machine at customs with the red and green lights fucked up and virtually everyone pushing the button got a red light. Not having a contingency plan for this type of occurrence, customs officers proceeded to search every one's luggage who got the red light, which was practically everyone. As the planeloads of passengers started to stack up, tempers began running high. Especially those at the back of the line who were still standing out on the tarmac in the hot sun. Inside, things weren't much better in the non air conditioned customs hall. A few who exploded into tirades were spared the wait as they were whisked off by the police. As the people piled up the vendors were allowed in to sell water and snacks at much higher prices than the already exorbitant prices they were charging out front. Very few took this situation with much humor and many were heard spewing their bovine opinions about never returning. Things eventually cleared up but many had items confiscated and a few were busted for contraband and hauled off to jail. The glitch in the machine was later discovered to be a shorted-out circuit caused by a wayward gecko.

Mobile health unit

     With the moving of the beloved taco truck at the corner by the croc pit a void has been created on the said corner. Fortunately some gringos have come up with a brilliant idea that may well both make money and improve the community. In the near future  a mobile mental health vending machine will be introduced. An old horse trailer has been converted into a sound proof replica of a shrinks office albeit smaller. Still, there is a comfortable couch to lie on and a wide selection of counseling techniques are available from the vending machine located within. for an exorbitant fee one can relax and spew their 'issues' that are received by a voice recognition system, within minutes an art of the state computer responds in a manner that corresponds to the pre-selected psychology with some appropriate psycho babble to assist the client. Based upon observed mass psychosis within the local population it is sure to be a popular spot, particularly during tourist season. Multilingual services will be available.

LaManz to get Autopista

    Many have been asking - "What's going on up on the highway just out of town?" The answer is Autopista, a mini toll road that will short cut into town. The arroyo through town is simultaneously being widened and graded to accommodate the new thoroughfare which will connect up with the project on the highway. Completion of the project is scheduled for the beginning of the next tourist season. The project foreman was asked what's going to happen during the rainy season when the new multi-lane arroyo turns into a raging river... "I just builds them- what happens after is someone else's problem".

Stompin'

In memory of Stompin' Tom Connors 1936-2013 

hey Tom, ever been to lamanzanilla?
  you might think its goofy, but/ thats the town i love the best./ while away down south in ontario/, i was buying up the bargains in the old market place./ at forty five below zero,/ i got no girl, there's nothing on tv,/ so i flew/ way down south in Mexico./ just a barbeque with a friend or two,/ the old folks gather in the parlor./ when i climbed your hills of promise,/ on tragedy trail./ the man at the top,/ he tries to smile. /when he said bend over i was ready to leave. /nothing but a dirty old man./ Must have burned at the way i turned my nose up in the air and said/ " i wont go along with your plan",and streaked off. with Irish Jim O'Connell. and Scotty Jack,MacDonald. and waldo./
    Shanty town./ we're out to have a fun day for its Saturday tonight. down the street you can hear the beat, and the clickin of the dancers heal./ me and my sue are going to woop de doo. /but thats all right./she could have been true./ she shook her little head and said "no way Fred"./ i got me another girl ./she winked at me and said. / i'm an expert,/ i'm the best in all the world./ and just when all my cares are gone about a million bugs start carrying on. /we get to see them all,/ right on the table!/ at half past two,/ i took some good advice./ with big and friendly/ Benny the bum./ drank a bucket of gin./ i chose the wrong companions,/  and i blew my mind and my money in vain./  when i awoke there was fog in my head. /i'd like to tell that guy with the bell to shove it into his ear. / i got no girl, i got no dough./ without friend,/ i was wet right through to the underwear./ my back still aches./ trying to get a bus./here comes an old truck driver.i climb up on the load./ i'm going back up north./
    farewell to/ good fresh air./starry eyed heaven./ swimming in the ocean blue./ the grief i have known./ when snow flurries fall,/we'll be southbound again,/and we will raise another glass.

Demolition derby

    Earlier this season an extravaganza was given at one of the hillside mansions for 'the beautiful people' here for the season. There was the usual piles of food, an open bar and live music. The booze flowed freely and everyone one was having a grand old time. The party's host wisely advised with the invitations that all should arrive by taxi as the road can be quite treacherous and parking maybe an issue. Of course almost all drove their own cars and parked one after the other along the sides of the narrow cliff road. As  people began to want to leave, the problem became apparent. Not many folks are actually capable of driving back down a steep winding mountain road when they are sober in the bright light of day, never mind trashed at night, and having to squeeze through all the parked vehicles. At this point some genius suggested that everyone should leave in the reverse order that they arrived. The idea was not met with a positive response. Eventually some of the more macho of the guys (on advice from their wives) decided that they weren't going to wait and they would have no problem backing down the hill- unlike the pussies who waited. The two big SUVs left together with one following closely on the heels of the first. They were rolling smoothly along until the first bend when the first loud crunch was heard. With the second vehicle riding the tail of the first, what happened next was a chain reaction pile up a la 'its a mad mad mad mad world' , all the way down the mountain. In the aftermath, there were surprisingly no physical injuries, though much ego bruising, as well as 19 cars with minor damage, two requiring a tow, and two others left dangling over the mountain's edge. It took over 3 hours and 2 backhoes to untangle the mess. Once the road was reopened, most chose taxis and settled for retrieving their vehicles another day. The bar was drained dry. 

re committed

sorry folks our blog had a seizure or something and deleted this posting, as well as some other stuff in the works. hopefully the issue is solved.

the sky is the limit

    If one should stop and read the boards in front of the local real estate offices they would think that the worlds financial woes are over. Prices for Lamanz's questionable real estate have once again gone almost as high as their sellers must be to think some one will actually come along and buy one. This months house review is a fine example of the nonsense. This place sits on a hill above a road and at a distance is an imposing mansion like structure. After negotiating the steep twisting driveway a large flag stone parking area/patio with a nicely landscaped pool continues the illusion. What appeared from below as an impressive tower turns out to be an accretion containing a staircase that reminds one of fire stairs in a high rise. The house is essentially like a post world war II duplex with one identical unit above the other. Each contains a bedroom and bath and a combination living kitchen and dining area. which is of such small proportions that there is no room for a dining room table with further restrictions of permanently built in concrete furniture. Sloppy construction is evident. An example being  a 3 meter long passage way narrowing 20 centimeters from one end to another for no discernible reason. A covered roof top deck looks over the unencumbered view of roof tops and a tiny sliver of ocean. Built by one of Lamanzs notorious 3 gringo builders one would be smart to question the structural integrity of the place especially the shaky looking retaining wall that is holding the whole place up. The price as to be expected, through the roof.  A committee will soon be set up to cover up all defects of all houses on the market.

thankyou

    Thanking the locals for allowing us into their community. The mantra rises again. And again like they had or have a choice. Spending all funds on the one sanctioned gringo day at the last rodeo and somehow envisioning it as thanking the local Mexicans. Despite the fact no actual funds get to the locals we wonder how this high priced party for themselves becomes a thank you to the Mexicans. We guess its by just spending a few hours in the prideful arms of their compatriots and not with the locals that they are doing the thanks. As usual, none of this thanking goes beyond the one gringo day. The other rodeo events are essentially sin gringos. And the Mexicans are probably thankful for that. For as most Mexicans might and do say they can do without nob ways and attitudes that do not much more than patronize the locals. A special committee will be looking into how to improve the thanking process for next year.

most pathetic

    Another year and another fantastic battle for most pathetic character of the year as well as most pathetic couple. First off with the couple category we had simply too many nominated to list them all. The surprise winners (or is that losers?) for this year are that unbelievable coupling of old Europe and full of itself Ontario. The strange truth is that no one who knows them quite understands how they continue to be... them. Continually lubed by booze as they stagger about, their  loudness can be heard 15 minutes before they show up. Often just enough time for many to escape out the back or down a side street. The most pathetic character winner was also a difficult choice. Hey, look around. All the regular nominees are back except those that have passed on and its practically a coin toss, what with all the new applicants. In fact we couldn't decide so we tossed the coin. And the winner is .........  the committee has deemed this announcement as injurious to their well being.......  Congratulations to the winner! As for the pathetic losers, better luck next year.

mud slides more

The continuing saga of the gentrification of La Mansionilla

     
    Buck leaves and passes Louise on his way out. Louise heads for Wilma and Annabelle's table
Wilma- Louise, its good to see you. When did you get back? Come sit down grab some coffee and tell us how your summer was.
Louise-My summer was fantastic. That cultivating of medical marijuana has turned out to be profitable and rewarding.i just wished i could have brought some down with me. In fact I haven't been able to locate my regular source, Do you know where i can get some?
Wilma- I can spare you a couple of joints  but the stuff is pretty scarce right now.
Annabelle- You might try Carlo's down at the bar. He always seems to be able to come up with whatever you may want.
Louis- Good idea, thanks, and can I get those joints just to get me by until I score.

  Meanwhile back at the restaurant.

Louise- That was good coffee. Well, I'm off to see if Carlos can hook me up.
Wilma- I'll go with you. I'm ready for a beer. What are you up to Annabelle?
Annabelle- I'm going over to the emporium.
Wilma- I thought you said that place was too gringo for you?
Annabelle- Well yes it is but they have M&Ms and I'm a real sucker for M&Ms.
Louise- Lets go along the beach and smoke that doob.
Wilma- Good idea we can cut through the square.
   They leave and continue their conversation along the route
Louise- Ooh whats that smell? Ugh, that's disgusting!
Wilma- Oh that's just the sewer, its been backing up and flowing into the streets all summer.
Louise- God that's awful, Why don't they do anything about it?
Wilma- Ah, they are doing what they always do. Turn a blind eye, and keep their fingers crossed that it stops before tourist season is in full swing.
Louise- let's get a move on, I can't hold my breath much longer.
    They approach the beach.
Louise- What the fuck happened to the beach? I've seen more sand along the coast in Newfoundland.
Wilma- Yeah, I know. They are also keeping their fingers crossed that the sand makes it back by high season.

exposing oneself

    Not quite local, but never the less a  poor sap,(one troubled Mexican) is continually libeled and slandered. From claims of exposing himself to some gringa, a vast wave of condemnation has washed away practically any chance for the poor boob to scrape up a few measly pesos. Beliefs must be that this tragic and clearly traumatized fellow and family are scam artists simply waiting for the opportunity to whip it out for your displeasure. As he stumbles about town with kids and woman in tow he is continually bashed for his begging. Others in a similar boat are given a free ride while this guy is dammed for his perceived perversions and ridiculed for the structure of his skull. A committee is being set up to insure that all further slander or libel will be perceived of as community service.

renegade shirts

    Some local rankler has rankled the ranks of the "committee". No, not that committee, another one. Without official sanctioning from the committee a ream of rogue rodeo t shirts have been on sale. Attempts to curtail the sales and/or to bring the rebel under committee control has failed. One art walk  despot purposely parked his big shiny vehicle in front of the poor sap salesman in order to show him how mature and powerful the art walk committee is. Or so we assume.  Still, sales have been brisk. The committee is at a loss, as the under their breath boycott hasn't had any effect, Desperately trying to retain some non existent power they've taken on the new tact of having a competition next year for the privilege of being allowed to produce the shirts for the gringo day of the rodeo. We guess the committees actions are another method of thanking our Mexican hosts. Petty controlling is always the best thank you. As for the art walk, well nuff said. We are sure the committee will be looking into it and making appropriate decisions for next year.
    Incidentally, the Rorschachian nature of this years official shirts has resulted in numerous notions about what the hell it is. A map of Mexico, a theatrical mask, a bull chasing a gringo ass, a martini glass, underwear? We don't know. its art, dam it! Maybe some one will come up with vague personality generalizations based on what people think it is. Obviously a committee should be set up.

jay waltzing

    Gringo woman tries to beat up a motorcycle, and then blames the motorcyclist. Of course since blame is the game. Never mind watching where you are going or accepting responsibility for your own actions (and thus shutting up). Its always someone elses fault. That's dog shit on your shoe, lets blame the dogs...no, the owners. hell the dam beasts eat dog food , lets blame Purina. Maybe just a wee little responsibility for ones own actions may be in order. Certainly not in the nob line of blame blame blame, but likely more sensible. (Strangely, the following day we witnessed an old blue haired gringa screaming down the main drag at highway speeds passing vehicles on whichever side showed more space.) Attempts to pry funds out of the poor sap Mexican for medical expenses are underway at this time. Also at this time no funds are being pried for damage to the bike. And we don't expect any thanks to go to the bike rider who valiantly tried to avoid the apparently blind and deaf gringa waltzing into the street. Of course a committee has been set up to insure gringos don't have to use common sense.

baseball blues

    No, not the unfortunate passing of a local gringo after the almost all gringo game a few weeks back are we on about. Although yank liberal types are trying to now ban baseball of course for being deadly. We warned all a few years back about how gringos may well ruin what was a beautiful thing. It now seems to be occurring as historically  ineffectual top down micro managing system seems to be being implemented. Rules and policies are exploding out from what we assume to be committee meetings. The kids play on unaware of the coop that is underway. Out with those old useless retirees who are only in  it for the love of the game and community and in comes the structure and behavioral policies that mainly just push those who really care out the back door. Soon it will be consequences consequences and further consequences doled out to create the next generation of pliant sheep, all in the glorious name of behavior modification. Warm ups are coupled with ovine lessons.  Teaching supposed proper behaviors  has replaced teaching baseball skills. All this against the back drop of 25 local kids idea of a good time. Alas it may soon be a soulless group of robots jack booting across the infield as gringos yell behavior modification orders from the sidelines. The committee will decide how to best spin this insanity.

baseball blacks

 Eerie similarities to the White Sox of 1919, the local gringo old timers took on an under aged group of local kids in a baseball game a while back. After building a strong 9-5 lead heading into the bottom of the last inning they suddenly forgot the rudiments of the game. Errors abounded (some claims of at least a half a dozen) and what would appear to be simple plays became mistake prone bumblings. One must question whether a fix was on. There was a pop up to the pitcher who simply failed to move the 2 feet to get it. Some tried to blame the blind ump but he couldn't see plays on either side so that balanced out. After the game there were many players who claimed tiredness and old age for the monumental collapse and vowed to put the boots to them next time. its hard to swallow that line but what wasn't hard to swallow was the fan turn out and the moneys raised for league development. we assume the baseball committee will be looking into this.

Piss tank of La Manzanilla

The following is inspired by king of Kensington an old Canadian TV show.

When he stumbles down the street
He drunkenly slobbers at everyone
Every one that he meets
calls him piss tank of La Manzanilla.! ( how ya doing? que pasa? no, i don't have a beer.)

He finds his fortune in the pockets of the faces that surround him
His wife says that it's other people that get him drunk
But then his mother tells a slightly different story
hes the only drunk around without a buck!

He's a sot among men
The drunkards' champion
And when destiny calls him
Beep beep beep - I'm sorry, that line is still busy
He's piss tank of La Manzanilla!!!!!

What a prick!



Piss tank of La Manzanilla was witnessed by a live audience.



comments from original post


 I am disappointed you feel this way. The GD committee never had a problem with the Other t-shirt (we certainly bought enough of them). We spent our pesos on hosting the Farola night & feeding 750 people. You never mentioned where the proceeds for the other tee had gone to. Also we were willing to help him sell his t-shirts but he wanted to sell them to us for $50 p each, AND he was willing to show us the invoice costs. Well that never happened, he started selling them on his own. We are not against enterprising people. It is for his good energy & ideas that we want him on the committee next year. Also the t-shirt design contest idea we are tossing around will be open to Gringos as well as Mexicans .. seems like you are damning us if we do & damning us if we don't. If you think you can do better you should sign up for the GD committee next year we will welcome you. If you feel there should not be a GD ... tell all your Mexican friends you are against it & for them to tell us "they don't want it".

 response

its all about money and power. a comment (likely via a gd day committee central control spin doctor) regarding the t shirt bs from last issue is all about power and money. say it aint so.  pointing out how much (money) the gders put into the gringo day and wondering about what some enterprising fellow did with his earnings? its not their money. Either way in fact. for them its moneys raised for a cause, and as for the other fellow and his earnings. who cares? but it is about money (and of course power) so again, who cares?, well, apparently the committee does. although they claim they have no problem with it they still express a problem by simply commenting on a humorous bit on some obscenely remote blog. and the feigned offense that is expressed with the none so subtle 'well, we are taking our ball and going home' attitude suggests there may be an issue. as for anyone wanting or not wanting the gringo day rodeo party, dont they decide? We dont recall or find there being any mention about whether there should be a gringo day or not. We only describe what it is. Its interesting to note how a targets reaction to satirical criticism so often points out the validity of the criticism.