guns, bats, and bull-shit in paradise

gulag telesecundaria




around town

     New stairs at local watering hole went up amazingly in only 3 days, resulting in only one injury and a mere 3 days of inconvenience for anyone wanting to patronize the place. Thirsty customers loyal to the bar, or more likely, loyal to the sporting events on the TV, scaled a rickety ladder in order to enter and leave. Fortunately no clientelle injuries occured.

    Just down the street at another watering hole, a talent show was held drawing in an overflow crowd of entertainment starved patrons. During the show a group came in wanting to eat dinner only to find 'no room at the inn.' They were told by a surly bartender that if they wanted to eat they would have to bring their own table. A few minutes later the group was back lugging in a table and they were then served dinner.

    A meeting was held in the jardin concerning security in Lamanz. The president of la Huerta was there, giving the regular lip service and fielding complaints from a mixed crowd of locals and gringos.  Security was tight for the event with rifle toting cops circling the jardin, and 2 patrol vehicles circulating the streets around it. The main concern (security wise) was the lack of a permanent police presence and a local telephone to call them. Further issues took up the remainder of the docket, most having nothing to do with security. When all was said and done, the president promised to look into getting a telephone 'as soon as possible'. But, he said due to personel problems in the police department he probably would be unable to supply anyone to answer it. The two dogs humping in front pretty well summed it all up.

    Several new sewer hookups have been made along the main street. It is apparent that when the system has the appearance of functioning properly, it is then time to hook up.... Don't take in too many deep breaths when passing the pump station!

    Big news, Saturday last.... Robbery! Earthquake! All in one day!!!
3 armed robbers stole the payroll for a local construction crew. As the 3 bandits fled, the construction crew posse'd up and took off after them. Dodging bullets, they caught up to one bandit with the money, when his six shooter ran out of bullets... They proceeded then to beat him to a pulp. The other 2 escaped.
    The earthquake happened about 2 pm. You had to have been alert or you might have missed it.

2 peoples paradise

The sun rose majestically over the mountains, greeting us to yet another beautiful day in Lamanz.
Fuckin' hangover again as I struggle to find a cool dark place to hide.

A leisurely breakfast while listening to the local fauna speak of the glory of the new day.
I puke up the remnants of (what i assume to be) pizza, while cursing the yapping of the neighbors dogs and crowing of the damn roosters.

A casual stroll to the beach to watch the delightfully innocent playing of the children.
Stumble down for a six pack to ease the pain while warding off the hordes of begging brats.

After a casual swim and a relaxing read, we stroll along the streets greeting the pulchritudinous people and sharing our dreams and hopes with one another.
Pissed my pants on the way home but managed to tell that fuckin' neighbor to shut his fuckin' dogs up before I kill them.

A few magnificent moments spent in the garden tending to the spectacular flowers and abundant fruits and vegetables.
The heat gets to me and I collapse into a pile of dog shit on the side of the road.

After a fullfilling siesta a delectable meal is prepared and lovingly served.
A couple hours later i wake up, with dog shit in my mouth, and my beer stolen. I wolf down some greasy pig meat.

Another stroll to the tranquil beach to watch, yet, another glorious sunset.
Since I can barely stand, I drive to the store for more booze and head back to my dingy hole.

A couple of delectable drinks after dinner with friends, we stroll back home in the cool enchanted evening
Piss drunk by 7, but well stocked with tequila and chips, I realize how god damned cold it is.

make heavenly love to my soul mate by moonlight, and drift off into a blissful sleep.
Fuck, then shoot, the neighbors dog and pass out on the bathroom floor.

another great day in paradise.
another great day in paradise.

part-timers / tourists

        How to tell the difference, for they seem the same by outward appearances (pasty white). Yet, there are major differences in regard to behaviour and action.
    Let us start with the arrival. The tourist will grab a cab or bus from the airport, the part-timers will swindle someone (anyone!) into driving them, (thus restarting the big "friendship" scam) or, they will drive themselves, packed with plastic shit from the great north. When here, the tourist is wide eyed, the part-timer acts like they've been here for generations, although the clean clothes and jewelry tend to give them away. The tourist is happy and excited to interact with the locals. The part-timer acts like the king who has returned to the realm after a crusade, expecting adoration.  For the tourist, everything is new and exciting. The part-timer does inspections.  The tourist makes great claims (i'm an astronaut), the part-timer claims destitution. (EG. the part-timer will say "sorry no money this year..... for you my mexican 'friends' ". But I will (because 'I really can...')  go to excess in my own consumption. The tourist will gladly toss around their bucks to their newly met "mexican friends", often with 200% tips. The part-timer quibbles over 3 pesos. The tourist can't see the rocks for the beach, the part-timer, the opposite. The part-timer has a set group of businesses they patronize. The tourist goes everywhere. (the tourist gets the whole pie, the part-timer has a slice. Yet still way fatter than the tourist.). The tourist leaves in a rush still hungover from the previous night. The part-timer announces the departure date weeks in advance, and whines about it til the last second.part-timers give each other nicknames, tourists use your real name. The tourist sees the ex-pat as a knowledgable local that speaks their language. The part-timer sees the ex-pat as ignorant and so backwards that they couldnt survive in the 'real world'. The tourist loves the locals. the part-timer 'knows' them.

baseball

    2 games (?) in and it's the home manager up 2 zip. Strong defence in the first game led to a 5-3 final. Hard to believe in a game with 25 errors but... The play of the game being a line out that went off the pitchers glove and into the short stops. The visiting manager stressed his teams unfortunate base running decisions. Pushing offence, the following weeks game ended 9-5. (with less than 20 errors!) Despite a valiant effort by the losing team, they were again plagued by poor base running and some questionable defensive decisions in the infield. A little frustration arose afterwards as the visiting manager questioned the 'stacking' of teams and some of the questionable calls by the ump. Will this "controversy" carry over to the next game? Will this motivate the visiting managers players? Is the ump an estatia de la libertad? Are we making this up? Come out to the next game (Friday at 4:30)

last issue comments

    OKAY A LATE BREAKER The boys of summer are out in force. and so are the girls. All ages and skill levels battling with universal issues of philosophy brought forth by  the game of baseball. Sure, they are overtly doing what we think is good -exercise, team work, respect, picking up after yourself and others, sacrifice, and we guess even the troublesome 'keeping out of trouble' idea, to name a few. Yet what is really important i think is the potential grasping of the mountain of bigger meaning that baseball has to offer . baseball is 'the good way' and the lessons learned and perspectives gained will far outweigh any other benefit derived.  it's alive right now down at the soccer field on fridays and we hope that it continues the way it should;  timeless and forever. lessons learned and memories created to serve a lifetime. its beautiful. hopefully we gringos wont fuck it up too bad.

    hello, i've read and reviewed several issues of "the eye" on line. i would like to add a few comments. years ago, i surfed the pacific coast of mexico,and found my self  spending time in la manzanilla. then a quiet fishing village with enormous positve energy. over a period of time i and others noticed a change. i built and sold a modest home, moved south but have since visited la manzanilla twice. with a background in psychology, i see a pattern of rejection and blame shifting projected by the author/authors of "the eye". your articles leave one with an empty, shallow and negative feelings. i, for one, would have to nominate the author/authors as "the most pathetic person/s" of this year or any year.....thank you

    damm it youre right but we cant win EVERY year. it just wouldn't be fair. we would propose its you (not the one) with the empty shallow and negative feelings. are you the pot calling us black or do you feel like its your type we are lampooning? either way keep up with the rejection, blame shifting,surfing and the ever popular building and selling. without that type it just wouldnt be as much fun.

NOTE:  We want to thank a contributor for the entertaining story that was sent to us for this issue. We want all to know we love unsolicitated stuff, and will publish it unedited and anonymously....maybe. We also want to welcome our new 'around town' correspondent who, hopefully, will last longer than the others.

robbed,neutered murdered... horseshoes anyone?

New cobblestone pathway along the lamanz beach

four legs....watch out!!

    A gala event that some gringos call "the party of the season" (and if you count the sheer numbers of them in attendance this may be true) was held last week. The purpose was to be seen amongst your peers doing your civic duty and participating in the community by the giving of your money so that a bunch of nut clippers can be brought to town. It's a generous project to teach the locals how to keep the dog and cat population down but it's real questionable about how much the locals appreciate the gringos trying to educate them in gringo ways. It also makes its sponsor look like caring responsible and important(!) people, to be looked up to by the lesser gringos for their altruism.

    Some locals take advantage of the free neutering service. Many more are coerced into bringing their pets in, and the majority want nothing to do with it. After all, this is mexico, and the problem of an overpopulation of dogs and cats can be handled the mexican way... take them out and shoot them. Many of the gringos that take advantage of this service haul their pets great distances so they can get them fixed "for free". The problem is there are not enough animals being brought in to to keep the mad expensive team of cutters busy. The answer, lets go get them

    Hapless volunteers are armed with traps (they have to supply their own bait) and sent forth with orders to fill them up. Unfortunately some of these eager volunteers don't know the difference between a dog and a iguanna leading to all manner of fauna being brought in. Neighbors pets are always attracted to these cages which subjects them to anesthetising and clipping before they are ruled 'already done' and sent back home in their drugged up state. The real gung-ho volunteers become part of the round up team - their mission: patrol the town and bring in anything with 4 legs. One year there was one fat old clown  chasing after bewildered mutts donned with a cowboy hat and lasso. Another time, when one poor drunk was crawling home only to come to later surrounded by howling dogs laying in their own piss.  Yes, it will soon be that time again, so if you don't want to become a victim, stay sober enough so you can still negotiate on 2 feet and keep your dogs and cats locked up inside.

safe vacation spot discovered

    Man is killed in nearby town. Gringos freak out like its never happened before. Hopefully many more will jump on the band wagon of those promising to never return. After extensive research we have found out that the moon is the only place where no murders have yet to be recorded. Book your flights now.

thefts

    A suspect in the recent rash of burglaries and thefts was apprehended last week by visiting police. Despite being caught with 3 lap tops and some various jewelry he was released after some victim tourists insisted that since he was white he couldnt be the one, and had probably found the items as he claimed.

warning! get out now

    Canada (or insert any bloody country) has recorded its 5th murder in the last week. All Canadian victims. It's truly insane that any Canadian would stay there or even visit the place. It's unfortunately a lawless failed state that needs to be placed on travel advisories.

House review of the month

    This months house is one of a family of simular structures all perched on the edge of a cliff. The view from the balcony is definately enough to bring on a nose bleed. Makes you wonder what's holding it in position. Don't even wonder, sound structure was not even a consideration when this baby was built. In fact a whole new concept was employed in its construction; start on the top and work your way down. And down is not where you want to examine too closely. Those gaps between building and gravel aren't suppose to be there. Built solely for the view, the inside of the building is totally unremarkable, And how about those open windows with no glass or screens, not to mention the aging palapa roof. The asking price is totally commensurate with the view, and so maybe the action ride down the cliff if there is enough rain and or an earthquake.

silly gringo games

    No, not the mind games. In sporting news, 14 teams participated in the 2nd horshoe match of the season. Food and fun and other giggly-happy stuff was consumed by most and (except for those who thought they were going to win and didn't), all had a good time. One of the losers proclaimed that he would never play again (to loud applause) after being eliminated by a girl(!). Another had an issue with the fact that the gathering was 90% gringo and the top honors went to a mexican. The smart people went 0-2 and sat, ate, drank, watched, and bull-shitted.    

last issue comments

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