some of whatshisfaces shit

                                     Old whatshisface is gone but not forgotten. 

An incomplete assemblage of one of our lately departed contributors. 

                                                               Eat your hearts out

With lots of folks gone for the season, the matronly (?) old hens that weather out all year round here, are in a quandry has what to do. With gossip down to a minimum, they have come up with a brilliant idea......A Competition! Since most already resemble the north end of a south bound bus, the fat ass competition has come about. A gateway one meter wide has been set up in a local watering hole, and the first contestant that can't fit through without touching both sides will be the winner. There will be two wagers available to the general public with the winner of the competition collecting half the pot. #1 wager will be the first not to fit, you bet on your favorite. #2 wager will be the date that the first person doesn't fit. The contestants are estatic : comments have been heard like"no longer do I need to feel guilty about laying around watching tv and eating junk food, now I can do it all day long". Another said "no more walking for me, I'll ride the scooter everywhere, even to the bathroon if it will fit". And of course several were grinning wide, knowing they can consume all of the alcaholic beverages they can hold. It sould be a very interesting competition, check the message board for further betting instructions.

From our poet laureate

Bowdan had a pretty white ford ranger

decals of ghosts adorned the rear glass

with high mileage it seemed close to danger

for him it was time to sell it at last

Just dave really needed more transportation

much like he needed a hole in his head

the truck so nice he succomed to temptation

and found himself handing over the bread

Jimmy convinces dave to sell his new wheels

and bobby does fancy jimmy's old truck

soon everyone is agreed and makes their deals

and with two cars dave is no longer stuck

since both vehicles reside in the others' town

an exchange needs to be worked out

bobby will drive the new ranger down

then buy the other, and turn about

bobby takes gail and they set off together

speeding through manzinillo like a couple of loonies

but here one wrong turn leads to another

and three hours later they're lost in the boonies

arriving back with tails 'tween their legs

they set off the next day with determination

past manzinillo and now zihautanejo begs

'cept the clutch, goes on permanent vacation

after repairs and many a bus ride

the intrepid two are on their way and yet

forty clicks further south do they glide

until the truck blows a head gasket

expensive repairs and many more busses

the truck to la manzanilla does return

the fix, it sucks... and the truck still misses

so now it's the local mechanics concern

repairman to repairman it does go

and finally one says he can fix it

after much time and lots of  pesos

its back and still runs like shit

FREE PANCHO

In taking a tour of the newly constructed crocodrilario you snake through the mangroves on what will undoubtably soon be a rickety raised boardwalk. In passing you will notice that the boardwalk passes through an area where no crocodiles can be viewed. Until you come to the concrete enclosure. In here you see crocodiles. Behind the steel bars and the linked fencing of pad locked pens are two shallow cement ponds. One has about eight small to medium size crocs, refugees from another location.  The 2nd pen contains the pictured croc. His name is Pancho and this is his solitary confinement cel.  What is Panchos crime? Just being a crocodile. He once lived in Boca de Iguanas, where he was happy and fat lunching on what ever came by. His tactical error- too many pet dogs came by and he ate them too. Now, if a dog is so stupid as to run loose where they know there are hungry crocodiles, why should this croc have to pay?  They are, after all ...  duh, crocodiles. In todays atmosphere of protecting endangered species why are these kind of measures being takin just to protect a bunch of stupid dogs? Some of these are probably the same stupid dogs that slept as their owners houses were being robbed a short time ago.  However,if we instead find fault with the stupid owners of the stupid dogs, well... same argument.  Here at "The Eye", we want to see pancho released so he can return home and do what he does best... keep the stupid dog population down. We are also currently looking for ideas on combatting the ever increasing stupid dog owner population.



LLANTERO

You should never go out in the woods alone or ever go to méxico because the wolf will eat you or for sure you will get ripped off. Or both. I was carefully driving down a back street in Mazatlan when I ran over some heavy construction wire that put four holes in my front tire.  Help!  Call 911.  No call a llantero, one that fixes tires.  He arrives on time with his truck, compressor, long metal bars, rubber patches and lots of glue.  Fifteen minutes later the tire is back on and he wants 15 dollars. Ripped off again!  So I was able to talk him into $20

Altercation in Cihuatlan

A local restauranteer was observed in the bodega store in Cihuatlan picking up frozen entrees and other supplies to serve in her restaurant, when all hell broke loose. Said restauranteer was ripping some poor stockboy a new ass hole because a juice container had a dent in it, and the whole store apparently needed to know about it. When questioned about it, the store manager just shrugged and said we call her the 'bruja de la manzanilla'. She carries on about something every time she comes in. We just think of her as a bad joke and certainly don't ever desire to even go to her restaurant. We just thank our lucky stars she lives there and not here.

House Sitting Nightmare

My wife and I retired last year, jettisoned everything, and hit the road in our suv with what belongings it would hold. After leisurely traveling south through the US and northern Mexico we arrived in La Manzanilla, a town we were strongly urged to see. We weren't disappointed and immediately fell in love with the place. Soon we joined the rest of the gringos lining up at the real estate offices.

  One night, after several margaritas, my wife said, "I think we might be a bit hasty in looking for real estate, what about house sitting first? I saw several ads looking for house sitters on the message board."

Not long after, we were being interviewed and shown about by a delightful couple, who told us that we would be perfect- if we wanted to take the position. Their house is beautiful, up on the hill with a 'to die for' view of the bay and of the quaint little village below. Besides the view, there is a pool, A.C., fully equipped kitchen, washer, dryer, internet, maid and gardener. Our only responsibilities would be to keep everything fixed up if it needed 'fixing up', pay the gas and telephone. and take care of the dog which came with the house.

  The morning after we take the job, we are sitting on the patio enjoying breakfast and the view when the gardener walks in, unannounced. We called him Nimwit. What was he doing here? He was only supposed to come three times a week and this day wasn't one of them. Before I could ask him, he disappears into the kitchen, gets stuff out of the refrigerator and starts making himself breakfast. "Whats going on" I asked. He said to me quite calmly "you started eating without me, so I have to fix my own". "What?!!" yelled my wife. "This isn't even your day to work!". As he slopped grease all over the stove, he looked up and said, "I didn't come to work today, I've just come for my meals. what time is lunch and what are we having? Meals every day, but sunday, is part of the deal I have here, I like lunch about 2pm.". We were flabbergasted at this omited detail and told Nimwit we didn't eat at 2pm, and weren't going to start, and that he wasn't welcome for any meals. After much arguing, a compromise was met: We still had him for breakfast and we would pay him $50 per day to go and get his own lunch. After finishing his breakfast he announced "Since you're not giving me lunch I might as well leave." My wife said "What about all the mess you made, you are going to clean it up?" He said as he headed out the door, "The maid comes today, she will take care of it".

The maid didn't come that day, but he was right, she was supposed to. After finally reaching her by telephone,( we decide to call her Surly) she tells me she didn't come because I wasn't there to pick her up. As I hung up I screamed "Son of a bitch, what else were we not told about?". My wife comes in and looks at me and said "How about we have no water.". There was no contingency for water on our list of numbers, that we could call in case of different emergencies. We decided to call the 'emergency-only guy.' The fellow at the other end was slightly less than friendly, but did say he would relay the message to the water man. The water man called the next day and told us he hadn't filled up the tank because the account was 2 years in arrears. Fortunately the water bill was not very expensive, but it wasn't part of the deal either.

  Now we started to think about the phone and the gas which 'were' our responsibilities. The gas had about an eighth left in it, so i called them and they assured me that they would get up to us next week. The phone wasn't so easy. No one knew where i should go to get the bill, but apparently once i got it, the paying was easy. After running around in circles all day, the best information I got was 'maybe try the office in Melaque.' "Manana" i mumbled and headed back on up the hill.

  Slowly we were getting into the groove. Nimwit for breakfast, driving Surley to and from her house, and dealing with one 'needs to be fixed' problem after another. At least the dog was turning out to be quite a joy.
  The next day, we discovered there was no internet, and of course the phone was dead too. I was off to Melaque, my wife needed to wait for the gas truck. Another day of running around. From Melaque to Manzanillo, one office to the next. Finally, after paying an exorbitant reconnection fee, I'm told the phone should be on in the next few days. The week passes and things are looking better. The phone worked but the gas truck still hadn't arrived. Over the weekend the gas ran out, and we were hit with the first rain.

  On Monday when i phoned the gas company, I was informed that now that the rains had started there would be no deliveries on the hills. Nimwit then tells me that if I couldn't supply him with hot breakfasts he wouldn't be coming any more. So we take off in search of a blue cylinder. The drive down the hill was quite a shock. Although not too much rain fell, the road was a mess and 4-wheel drive was a must to get back up. It scared the shit out of my wife. We got the gas at the mind numbing cost of buying a new and filled blue bottle. We managed to make the hill and got the tank in place, only to discover that we didn't have the right connections. I called the plumber and told him of our predicament. He told me he could get the necessary hardware "manana" but his truck didn't have 4-wheel drive, so I would have to drive him up and down.. No problem, I figured whats a couple more trips?

  Later that evening the dog got sick, and was looking in real bad shape by the morning. So it was off to the vet only to be told that I needed to take it to Melaque. After several hours there, I am informed that the dog would have to remain overnight. After returning to Lamanz, the plumber couldn't be found, so it would be another night without gas.

  It rained like hell during the night, and in the morning we got a call from the vet saying that the dog could now be picked up. I had a bad feeling about the road, but i had to get the dog. The road was absolute shit, and half way down it ceased to exist as anything one might even call 'a road'. Trying to get back up, the suv got stuck. On foot I slogged it down some muddy stairs and finally arrived in town. At the delegacion I asked how soon the road would be open... and was told, after much guffawing,'in the fall'. I had to hire a back hoe and it took the rest of the day to make the road passable and get the suv unstuck. The rear bumper would never be the same.

  The next day I gingerly slid down the hill, picked up the dog, and really expensive medicines in an infinitesmally small bag, found the plumber, and got him up and back. After our first hot meal in days and many strong margaritas, we finally sat back enjoying the view while wondering 'whats next?' That question was answered quicker than we could have imagined when we watched this huge black angry cloud form over the ocean. The next 2 days brought a steady torrential downpour, the likes we had never witnessed before in our lives. No Nimwit, no Surley, low on drinking water, really low on supplies and the dog had started to throw up. The back hoe operator tells us he will come get us as soon as conditions allow. He also states "that if we had any smarts we would get the hell out now and not come back."

  We were about to take his advice when he finally showed up... a week later. The dog had fortunately improved. But only after even more expensive drugs in an even smaller bag. When we finally got a hold of the owner, and told him what happened, he was outraged. He said we signed up for the summer and that was what he expected and he didn't give a shit about anything else, and if we didn't hold up to our end of the bargain, he was going to sue us etc. etc. etc.
  Needless to say we decided that La Manzanilla was not our kind of place. We are quite happy with the dog, though.  

House review of the month

This four year old charmer, was originally built as a spec house by one of La Manzinilla's "notorious three" builder/architects. In the case of this one, it looks like the architect was desperate to come up with something different, so he threw away his straight edge and slopped together a bunch of circles, coming up with something far more pleasing to the eye, with numerous totally useless spaces inside. Located at the side of the arroyo it sits on the side of a hill with a view of the arroyo; come summer time it could easily be water front property. From the road below, the house is accessed by a winding, undermined, hand- rail less stair way, that climbs up the steep grade that is the yard. The drive way off the road is big enough to park one vehicle and can easily be accessed by a high clearance 4x4. A 6' high mesh fence surrounds the property detracting even more the visual appearance of the place while being a joke as far as security goes as is usual here in La Manz. The asking price is astronomical and the place wouldn't be a good value at half that. But we rest assured it will sell if only because of the price. An aspect of the multi faceted dumbness of gringos. 

 

house review of the month

As we are now falslely believing we are getting up to speed, we hope to include different categories other than just news. hahaha, news. anyways, it appears that just about everything real estate wise is for sale here. So we just had to have a peek at one.

    This months house is brand new (!). Finished a few months back and built as a spec house. Located on the other side of the arroyo on a charmless viewless lot. Or this side of the arroyo depending on where you are. Identical lots are beside it. for future spec houses? Hopefully not identical.

    The house is a cavernous box. the rest of the walled in lot has space for a pool and patio. The down stairs is one huge open space with a kitchen area. Enough space for a dance hall. A spectacular spiral stair case ascends to the second floor. Would certainly look right in a vanderbuilt mansion, but possibly a bit much for here. This floor contains three rather unassuming bedrooms. All with baths, though not necessarily in-suite. At the top of the stairs is lots more room, or space. Where a grand piano would fit. Too bad about the stairs.

    Besides the pool and patio in the rear, there is also a bar built just under the stairway. It is here the design team may have melted down. Is the bar supposed to be inside or outside? There is nothing under the stairway in the way of a door or even a window. Just a large opening to the outside letting in anything that flies, walks,or crawls. The house has been 'tastefully' decorated to attract a certain kind of buyer. Rich and stupid.

    The price has been extravagantly set at a number that would cause many a sane person to break out in hysterics. If such a person lives here. It's not like La Manzanilla is known for being a hot bed of intelligence. It's a win win situation.Mud sliding

the continuing saga of the gentrification of La Mansionilla

At the emporium Waldo, the owner, is in conversation with Annette. Annabelle slips in without being noticed.

Annette -Waldo you have a fine store here with all the necessary products from back home. So, how come you don't have employees that speak better English? Its hard to get what you want when you are not here.
Waldo- I know, but I have to hire Mexican employees to stay legal and open. It's hard to find any who are reliable, trustworthy and speak English.
Annette- What about that American owned bakery. They don't have any Mexican employees.
Waldo- I know, I guess because they are American they don't feel that Mexican law applies to them.
Annette- That is weird. Coming from that shit hole country how could they think they are better than anyone?
Annabelle-What the fuck!? (Annette's dog has placed its snout firmly up Annabelle's ass)
Waldo- Who's over there?
Annabelle- What makes you think you can come down here and let your mutt run around unrestrained. I bet you can't do that back in Canada.
waldo- How long have you been here?
Annabelle- Long enough to hear your little tirade about how fucked up Americans are.
Annette- Well, we didn't mean all Americans, some are okay. And for your information there are no leash laws in Mexico.
Annabelle- At least none that you are aware of you stuck up twit. Why don't you go back to Canada and wait the 2 years for the medical procedure to remove that attitude.Oh and by the way you can keep your fucking M&Ms. (she throws them on the floor, and stomps out.)
Waldo and Annette - Fuckin' Americans.

    Meanwhile back at the real estate office...

Wish- Let's have some tequila boys. (He pours out 3 shots. They all drink)
Gary- God damn it Wish, what is this shit? I thought you only got the best?
Ian- Really man, this is some bad assed shit to be giving to guests. I'll need a beer just to wash the taste out of my mouth.
Wish- I don't have any beer.
Gary and Ian in unison- What!!?
Gary- No beer. What the hell is going on here?
Wish- There's no point in having beer if i don't have a fridge. I sold it to buy the tequila.Why don't you drop the price you want for your house and then I may be able to move it and be solvent again for a few months?
Gary- Whats the point of building it if I cant make a hefty profit from it?
Ian- You are never going to get rid of it while that blog exists. We need to get rid of it.
Gary- Look there it's that Wilma chick. She's behind it, I mean she's here all the time and is pretty outspoken.
Wish- Nah, it can't be her. She care takes houses here. Doing the blog would be like shooting herself in the foot.
Ian- She does have a limp. Anyways we need to get our heads together and figure it out.
Wish- Amen to that.
Gary-But in the meantime we should just find someone to blame. It doesn't matter who, as long as we make someone the pariah. Then at least everyone can blame them, and thus everything will be seen as okay and all criticism will be seen as  the drunken opinion of one loser.
All- hmmmmm.